cc: file, Tony Hafen, Pauline Nelson via mail, Sara and Des Penny, Claude and Katherine Warner, Lloyd and Luana Warner, Diane Cluff, Maxine Shirts via mail.
"No comment on last week's alphebetical chiasmus poem. In fact, there are seldom comments on these Thoughtlets, unless I offend someone with what I write. Oh well! I guess, as I start this morning, I am having one of my reoccuring anxiety attacks. Is this effort worth it? Or is it wasted effort that never seems to be appreciated, like too many of the other things I find myself involved in? Sometimes, when I get in one of these moods I just want to escape into a fantasy, maybe to go to `Ye Olde Renaissance Christmas Feaste.'
I recall when I took Marti to England once, and she wanted to go to one of these `Renaissance Feastes.' In my dozens of trip to England I had never done anything like this. Partly because I am too much business, and partly because I never have learned how to play. Anyway, we went down these narrow steps into this little dungeon, which open up into a low ceiling all black room which would seat about 50 tourists. We found ourselves at a head table, and I suddenly became very uncomfortable. I recognized I was going to be part of the show, and I do not like to be in circumstances where I am not in control of what is happening to me. Despite being very uncomfortable, it was a funny evening. Marti was in her element. She refused to chug a two foot tall goblet of beer, because she was Mormon, and her choice of punishment was to be put in the stocks or to dance with Bruno the dancing bear. There were some good laughs, and I wish you kids could have been there to see one of the many good times.
Referring to England, reminds me of a meeting with Sam LeRoy on Tuesday evening, where I shared with him the e-mail Des printed for me when we were in Utah. It is still relevant, and since it was in the New York Times, I feel I should share it with you all, in case you are not aware:
Sam could not stop laughing. He read the entire article out loud, and it was like `Ye Olde Renaissance Christmas Feaste.'
Monday morning started out with a call to Lee Cohen, who is a strategic planner with the Social Security system in Washington D.C. He is a friend of Lewis Jaffe, w I met when I gave my Obsolesence paper at the World Future Society (0031.html). Lewis has called me a dozen times since then, and he is working very hard to network me into others who can take advantage of some of my out-of-the-box ideas and projects. For instance, I sent him a copy of the `unsolicited proposal' I sent to the Bush school at Texas A&M a week ago yesterday, and he took it to Haverford College last week. Anyway, Lee does research, evaluation, and statistics relative to the implications of various policies on the long-term solvency of Social Security. They use large data bases, and they take profiles from the population and simulate the impact of various policies on their lives, studing the implications for men vs. women, racial groups, marriage status, etc., defining who are the future winners and losers, dependent on policy. The automated self-classifer (0047.html), the Infinite Grid (SM) (0039.html, 0042.html, and 0048.html), the Knowledge Backbone (SM) (../9729.html, ../9735.html, ../9803.html, ../9807.html, ../9809.html, ../9810.html, ../9819.html, ../9821.html, ../9833.html, ../9848.html, ../9909.html, ../9916.html, ../9930.html, 0010.html, 0012.html, 0014.html, 0016.html, 0018.html, 0029.html, 0033.html, 0034.html, 0035.html, 0037.html, 0038.html, and 0039.html), and some of the other stuff I am working with has potential impact on his work. The issue always comes down to budget, and definition of a prototype project. If I had the cash to do a prototype project for free, there could be some giant government contracts come out of the work. Oh well!
Most of the week was spent following up on proposals and contacts. Rudman is not intrested in funding a project alone (0047.html). They are going to go talk to their partners, which will take a few weeks. Chroma's proposal was reworked (0045.html). Brigham Oil & Gas is interested and they have not had time to meet and discuss it because of the holidays (0047.html). They have 200 square miles of seismic in Nolan and Fisher Counties, which they might be willing to let us work up for them using the technologies, with a draw against an override on anything we find. Conoco is checking out whether there is any interest. Sam and I had a gread dinner with Richard Nehring on Tuesday night, where we floated the idea of merging NRG Associates into Dynamic Oil & Gas, and received a favorable reaction. I'm sure there will be more to write about this later. I met with Ed Rogers and he requested a revised Prospectus, taking into account the things we have learned in the Offshore Eastern Louisiana AMI (0044.html), to pass by one of his partners. Had lunch with Neil Goins of Exxon-Mobil on Friday (we used to work together at Mobil), and talked about ways we might work with him. I don't see much chance of anything happening here. Met with Joe Robert's friend Tom Pelatari, President of Velocity Databank, on Friday, and he asked for a revised Prospectus. There was the Wednesday night activity of distributing flyers in the neighborhood for the Annual Nativity Display and Live Nativity at the church. Thursday morning I spent a couple of hours being retested for out of range blood readings related to liver functions. Our Home Teachers came on Thursday evening. Matt and I went Home Teaching on Monday evening, and Matt gave his first lesson at the Moores. He did a great job. Thursday I took Andrea to lunch at The Shrimp Grill on Fry, and reviewed the status of all of the proposals and opportunities I am pursuing. I have a couple of `real job' opportunities (0037.html) and promised to take one of them, if one of these proposals does not come in by the middle of the month. Maybe all of this is why I have been feeling a little despondency, and want to escape into the fantasy of `Ye Olde Renaissance Christmas Feaste?'
Maybe it is because Mom was taken to Dixie Hospital last Tuesday evening with congestive heart failure, and I'm not there and can't do anything to help her. Mom, I'm glad to hear you are back at Porter's now, and as fiesty as ever. Maybe it was reflection on Bridget and Justin's wedding (0048.html), and my feelings of inadequacy in helping others see and know what I see and know. For instance, once this week I was reading over some past Thoughtlets, and came across:
I also reread `Alex's Unspoken Prayer' (0015.html), and let my mind wander back to the night I met Alex Stamper. It is easy to idealize days gone by, and yet those were wonderful days. Busy with school, and yet taking time to go to the Salt Lake Temple every Thursday night. In those days, there were not the number of temples there are now in Utah, and when we went past the temple recommend desk, we were ushered into the temple chapel, which served as a waiting area until there was room in an endowment session. This beautiful little building sits just north of the Salt Lake Temple. It is a gorgous room, tall like a cathederal yet with large windows all along each side, and with two lovely murals of the Savior at either end. I remember sitting in this room while waiting go downstairs and change into white clothing, reading the scriptures or simply looking at the beautiful art work, and wishing I could have my sister and my parents with me to enjoy the peace and serenity of the temple and specifically of that lovely chapel. I reflected on when Andrea and I came upstairs from Justin and Bridget's wedding a few days ago, and on seeing Sara, Des, and Brian in this very same room, and how full my heart was.
Speaking of the wedding, Des sent an e-mail to all of you that he has put, at http://www.suu.edu/faculty/penny/weddingphotos, copies of the digital wedding photos I took outside the temple and at the receptions. Des, I will be copying them over to an address at /photos at walden3d.com at some time in the future. Thse photos are part of the permanent record, the eldo (ELectronic DOcument, see ../9725.html, ../9733.html, ../9825.html, and 0011.html) I intend to create as the supplement to the original Ken Turner painting I intend each of you to have as your inheritance from me.
On Wednesday evening, when I was bringing Matt home from Young Men's (Andrea and Rachel were looking for Rachel's wallet which was misplaced during the activity and found after a prayer and having to take unavailable time to search), I mentioned to Matt `I am really tired tonight.' He responded, `Roice, I'm sorry. Do you know that is the first time you have talked to me like that. You never talk to me.' We then talked about me growing up alone on the farm, usually just around grownups in the meat packing plant or working with the hired hands on the farm, and how different this is from how he has grown up. We talked about how it is emotionally safer for me to write my thoughts in a journal or a Thoughtlet, than it is to speak them, and I agreed to attempt to talk to him more. Maybe my despondency is because I realize, yet again, my weaknesses and how I have not met the needs of those I love.
Melanie, I recall when you came home with three ear rings, and how I was completely beside myself, and convinced you were going straight to hell. It is sure nice to be proven wrong! I recall brining up my fears with Ron Burgerner, who was my High Priest group leader, during a Home Teaching interview, and how he got me to look rationally at the situation. He later brought me a copy of the BYU magazine, with a picture of a co-ed on the front with 10 ear rings, and a detailed description of all of her wonderful work as a social internist in a poor part of Washington, D.C. I calmed down a little after that. Melanie, I'm sure I said something, yet I doubt if you have any idea of the depth of my concern, nor the seriousness of my feelings of failure when you made that choice. I had had similar feelings when I learned about Roice and Ben's tattoo's and Ben's ear ring, and when my perfect daughter made a similar choice I felt I had truly failed to teach principles which were intuitive to me. Of course, over the last few months, since President Hinkley spoke out on this subject at the Women's Conference, at General Priesthood meeting, and at the special broadcast Youth Fireside a few weeks ago. For those of you not aware of these comments, I quote from a talk by Margaret D. Nadauld, Young Women General President, from the last General Conference, titled `The Joy of Womanhood' (the comments are bisexual):
On Thrusday afternoon Rachel and I took the Lexus back to Continuum. I say it doesn't matter, yet Andrea says I have lost my status symbol, and mabye this change in lifestyle does effect me. Ben and Sarah, thanks for the Saturn. It is hard to turn, and there are a lot of miles on it (we can only put 9,000 more miles on before the balloon payment in August or we have to pay per mile to turn it back in). I like Saturn's and enjoy having a stick shift again. When I took Neil out to lunch on Friday, he made a comment about me showing up in a Saturn. Oh well! Better than walking. Right Melanie and Paul? Our Home Teachers, Brother Lunt and Brother Gebauer visited us on Thursday night. It was a good visit. Rachel was late coming home because she had a practice for her choir fund raiser, which was both Friday and Saturday evenings.
Friday evening Andrea and I went to see the movie `Unbreakable' as our weekly date. I was not very excited to see it, as the previews seemed like a typical worldy movie. I expected violence, shocking scenes, nudity, foul language, and wondered what they had cut to keep it from being `R-rated.' I was suprised. It is dark. It is slow. Yet it is intense, like a good novel. It keeps attention, and is like the dark comics it parities. In a sense it is the exact opposite of what Sister Nadauld was talking about. In that sense, I understand why I was not excited to see it. However, in another sense it also was a parity on my mood this week. I think Rob would really like it, and I really miss him. Oh well! When we got home I started working on preparing another prospectus for Ed Rogers and Tom Pelatari.
Saturday morning was a marathon choir practice. We had Ward Choir Practice for the Ward Christmas Program on Sunday, December 24th, from 8:00 until 9:00. Then we had a three hour practice for the annual joint concert with Epiphany, which is next Sunday evening (../9750.html, ../9848.html, ../9850.html, ../9943.html, ../9945.html, ../9946.html, ../9947.html, ../9949.html, ../9950.html, and 0016.html). When we got to one of the last songs we practiced, I could not keep the tears from falling. I kept thinking of Ethan as we sang:
Then we sang from The Messiah:
And I came home and spent the rest of the day working on revising the Prospectus. Rachel woke up just before we got home, and spent the afternoon vegging. Matt and Andrea lit the house and the yard with christmas lights. And I worked on spread-sheets and struggled finding words to communicate my message. I was pleased when 6:30 came and we left for the Taylor Choral Department's 11th, or maybe it was 14th, annual madrigal dinner. This year it was called: `Ye Old Renaissance Christmas Feaste,' and it was. Rachel was ushering and serving in a wench costume Andrea made for her. Rachel you are beautiful. Angela Moore, whom Matt and I Home Teach, was one of the `wenches' taking care of our table. The food was great. The singing was wonderful. The juggler was fascinating. They sang a song in Hungarian, and I thought of Tyler Burgerner's mission to Budapest. There was some Christmas caroling at the end. It was a wonderful way to end the week. Thanks Rachel. It was the first time I had ever been, and the first time I ever knew there was something like this done at Taylor High School. It does make me wonder what kind of coccoon I live in.
We got home about 10:00 last night, and I worked on the Prospectus until about 1:00. At one point I took a break, and looked through my notes in the book `Why? Science Unveiling the Mind' by R. Colin Johnson. Partly this distraction was in preparation for writing today's Thoughtlet, and partly it was in response to my semi-regular reoccurring anxiety attack about whether there is value in writing these Thoughtlets. I quote what I reread:
These same concepts are more succintly summarized in the Book of Mormon when Lehi was giving his sons (in his Thoughtlet) advice, just prior to his death:
Today we only had Fast and Testimony Meeting because of the Nativity sets in the cultural hall and it being opened to the public today and tonight. It was a good meeting, and I considered bearing my testimony. However, I didn't. Kind of feeling like who would want to hear me, which I realize is self-destructive. Matt and I collected Fast Offerings after church, and I came home and finished writing this while Andrea fixed dinner for the lady missionaries to the sound of `The Messiah.'
Listening to this music reminds me, it would be nice to know what everyone's plans are at Christmas, and who will be here when. What I know now is Rachel and Matt will be here. Audrey comes in on the 12th and returns to Utah on the 7th of January. She will be working downtown for Baker-Botts over the holiday. Heather arrives on the 21st and returns to Utah Christmas morning in order to be at work Christmas evening. Paul and Kate arrive late Saturday evening, the 23rd, and return to Utah on Thursday the 28th. Ben, Sarah, and Ethan are not going to be in Houston over Christmas. Jared and Melanie might move in with us in January for a few months, or at least when they are not in Denver airating. Melanie and Jared, I don't know your Christmas plans. Nor do I know Roice's, Sara's, nor Rob's plans yet. I guess plans can not exist if we are not actively involved, and hopefully you each see me being as actively involved as is reasonable. We are going to have Christmas dinner on Sunday evening because Heather leaves for the airport about 8:00 on Christmas morning. I do look, forward, with all my heart, to as many of you as possible joining us for `Ye Olde Renaissance Christmas Feaste.' In the meantime I hope and pray you each have a wonderful week."