cc: file, Diane Cluff, Grandma Hafen via Tony Hafen, Darrell and Nancy Krueger, Sara and Des Penny, Claude and Katherine Warner, and Lloyd and Luana Warner.
"This week was hard for me. Maybe you picked up on it from what I wrote last week. Rob, I discovered last Sunday night you had spent the week at Amason's rather than with me, not attending any seminary, and not coming to church on Sunday. Sara was left home alone while your Mom was in Austin. I felt completely cut out of the lives of those who are most important to me. At PAIRS they teach when you have these strong feelings, in this case feelings of rejection, you have three choices:
According to the dictionary, introspection means to consider one's own mental and emotional state. I have spent a lot of time doing this over the last few years, and in many ways Monday was a culmination of these efforts. One of the things I decided was to write about this experience for you kids so you can better appreciate how I was feeling, and what I did about those feelings. I expect most people feel sorry for themselves, at some point or another in their lives. I wish I knew my Dad's thoughts when the government shutdown his life work, Nelson Meat Packing Plant. And since I doubt any of you will be immune from sorrow, pain, and fear, and especially since you all know I am far from perfect, I figure it is worthwhile for you to know about my struggles (see Enos 1:10).
Having a friend to talk to is key. Bishop Feil has a unique context and so I felt I could talk to him without divulging confidences of others I do not want to hurt. As I listened to myself talk, it became obvious how petty and selfish my reactions and feelings were. We have to be willing to listen, not only to ourselves, but to the spirit. I was submitting a proposal for major services centers to be built in London, Cairo, Caracus, and Perth on Tuesday. I did not want to submit this proposal and then be committed to working with John Amason if Karen was going to continue to be in the middle my relationship with you, Rob. My fear, it turns out, was that by just submitting the proposal I was committing myself to what could become another Bill Rolwitz situation. I never want to hurt my friend John, and I do not have the stamina to go though another HyperMedia experience. Steve didn't really say anything, he just listened. And so did I. It was obvious my decision time-table was arbitrary and there was no real driving need to try and make a final decision immediately. If the proposal was accepted overseas it could always be turned down if my fears appeared to have a basis in fact later.
After Steve left I got the big white board out and started writing down all of the different options I have. They are really infinite for each of us at any one time. Since, by choices of others outside of my control, I am limited on my immediate family interactions, I focused on work options. I am working with a couple of guys to do oil and gas prospect evaluations. NRMI (Natural Resource Management Incorporated or Networked Reservoir Management Incorporated), WVS (Walden Visualization Systems Corporation), interpretation projects using my Landmark licenses, working with MuSE, following up on Bavinger's life work, or working with one of a half a dozen data base companies seemed to be the key options. They are all positive contributions to society, each can make a difference, and they each have the potential to provide sufficient financial resources to meet my needs and wants. Since the people I work with are important to me, I listed the key people I would work with in each case.
About this time one of them called me, Dr. Roger N. Anderson from Lamont Doherty Earth Observatory and NRMI. I told him of my struggle and my concerns. He is also a friend. He said, `Remember Roice your kids are still kids, they are going to make the choices kids make, and you need to choose to stay as involved in their lives as they will let you.' I heard it loud and clear, and as he hung up I was expressing thanks to the source of all inspiration for bringing this answer to me. And so by 10:00 Monday morning I was pretty much back on track.
I spent the rest of the day making lists. I based a lot of my thoughts around the six aspects of our life the church teaches us we need to keep in balance:
I matched the scores which showed my strongest interests from the Birkman test against these aspects of life and came up with:
I made lists of the things I enjoy doing:
I thought about what I want to enjoy and where I want to end up as I make my life journey over the next 30 years:
I had been asked at RePAIRS a few weeks ago to go and see the movie: `Good Will Hunting.' It is `R-Rated' and I didn't want to go. Roice, you had mentioned you had seen it in one of your e-mails to me, and so, as you know, I wrote and asked you if it was worth seeing. Roice, you wrote something I hope the rest of you kids will use as a guide: `Dad, I would not have been embarrassed to have you sitting there with me watching it.' I have come to believe that as we step outside of the time and space limitations of this life, we will be able to go back and see and experience the emotions of our interactions with others and our reexperiencing of earthlife will be what the scriptures refer to as a judgement. I do not recommend the movie to Sara and Rob yet. I realize the language and jokes are standard for the environment depicted, and they are still offensive to me. However, the message was very strong and very good for me, as Dr. White knew it would be. Everything is not my fault! And maybe it is time for me to go find `the girl' (Genesis 2:18; Moses 3:18; and Abraham 5:14; `It is not good that man should be alone.') In fact, I did spend several hours on Monday writing a letter to a lady my mind tells me could become a good friend. I ended my day of introspection putting the proposal together with John and getting it printed at Kinko's. I quit working about 4:00 Monday morning, and was tired all the rest of the week.
Based on having made decisions to stay in Houston and to focus on NRMI, it seemed natural when Tuesday morning there was a call telling me an investor is interested in putting up the $15 million we are requesting to turn the work in Virtual Environments into a business. Then on Wednesday there were excellent demonstrations for GeoMechanics International, M.W. Kellog, Sanchez O'Brian, and Halliburton. One of the Halliburton guys took me aside as we left the CAVE(tm) and said: `What can you possibly do that is fun after you leave work?' Landmark agreed to pay the fees for VETL students and support personnel to attend their annual technology forum and present our latest demonstration examples. PGS, a major seismic processing company, has committed to using the Knowledge Backbone (sm) technologies we have been working on for several years. And a friend called me up out of the blue and offered me a unique opportunity to get NRMI involved in the Willmington Field in L.A., the 3rd largest oil field in the U.S. There is always light at the other end of a tunnel.
On Friday I even wrote a song about my introspection:
Tonight there was a baptism of Stan and Janette Wright and three of their children. She is a co-worker of Tim Lund, the husband of your Mom's good friend Anne Lund, and Anne and Tim came down to see the baptism. Rob went with me to the baptism. Paul, this is the third week in a row we have had baptisms in the ward, and there is another lady scheduled to be baptized next week. There were a hundred plus people in attendance.
There is nothing quite like a baptism to close out a week of introspection. As we sang the opening song, `I am a Child of God,' I thought of my annual effort to prune the roses yesterday, on Valentine's Day (.../1997/9707.html). I only got a couple of cuts, and one of them was from a branch that snapped back resulting in a couple of thorns hitting me on the forehead. It hurt, and as we sang the song, rememberance of the pain was not the reason my eyes teared up. It is wonderful to know I am a child of God, and to know I am loved. It is nice to annually have such a graphic reminder of what His Son did for me. It is nice to find joy and peace. When I got home there was a nice letter from Ben, and it felt like the third line of verse 2 was true. It is my wish for each of you that you will experience this same kind of joy and peace I felt at the opening of the baptisimal service in your own lives."