cc: file, Grandma Hafen via Tony Hafen, Pauline Nelson via mail, Sara and Des Penny, Claude and Katherine Warner, and Lloyd and Luana Warner.
"In the third paragraph from the bottom of Thoughtlet #9716 titled Repent (.../9716.html) I quoted the following from Ezra Taft Benson:
I first saw this quote in Stephen R. Covey's book `The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.' When I first read it I was offended. Sometime later, in a Gospel Docrine Class, Corwin Slack quoted this and said it was his favorite saying of President Benson. This second time I heard the quote, I was deeply offended. After all, what I heard this quote says was that all of my efforts through Walden 3-D were outside-in, with the implication they will never work. Although the conversation with Ray Gardner started in 1970, back in 1990 I wrote back about a planned biographical novel about the conception, design, building, and habitation of a prototype 21st century community named Walden 3-D:
This week I learned something about the power of inside-out growth, and the wisdom of the teachings of one of our modern-day prophet of the Lord. This insight truly struck a chord within my soul. I, along with each of you, received a Pseudo-Thoughlet from Ben. Ben, I said thanks to you directly, and now I want to say thanks in public. `Thanks.' Repeating what I said in my note directly to you: `You made my month. Immatation is the greatest form of flattery.' Thanks again Ben.
Now, why did this e-mail strike such a chord with me? One of my most basic fears is that I will lose my family. When I was working in Austin, and going to dinner with Roice each week, I mentioned how I had come to realize this is one of my most basic fears (which I intellectually understand is irrational). The fear is that I will be left alone. The fear I will be cut off from my parents, that I will be cut off from my descendents, and that I will be cut off from anyone I deeply care for. Thanks to PAIRS and RePAIRS, I've come to believe these fears go back to stuff that happened when I was a little boy (Mom, Grandma, and sister Sara this statement doesn't mean I believe my childhood was terrible). We all have woundings, we all were neglected, and we all have had abundance or adoration (which creates expectations which others with whom we have relationships with could never meet). If anything, the issue of my childhood is too much adoration, too much of being the little prince. It is impossible for anyone to meet or exceed these times of dedicated attention. Maybe this is the reason I currently doubt if I will be able to trust a woman enough to attempt to begin a personal relationship again. The result is more obvious to those who know me, than to myself. I have self-fullfilled my fears. My fears have traveled inside-out.
Ben and Sarah, since I have been encouraging you to go to PAIRS before you leave the area, and while Nancy and Leonard are still teaching it, I will expand on my insight from Ben's pseudo-Thoughtlet, which was totally unrelated to content. Rather than facing my fear of rejection, it seems I continously test and prove how valid my fear of rejection is. How do I do this test? I do this by my perfectionistic requirements of all of those around me. Why do I expect perfection? Because by keeping all of the commandments and by following the list (the law) with exactness, I have come to believe it is a fact that I will receive a mansion with my Heavenly Father, and, by implication, with those who love me and are willing to join with me in keeping His commandments. Is this guaranteed in my mind? No! It is subject to grace, for `it is by grace alone we are saved, after all we can do' (II Nephi 25:23). In fact, this unquantifiable factor certainly is at the base of deep fears. I have tended to be heavy handed and controlling in my attempts to steer each of you to join with me. I look forward to the day you will each realize there has been no maliciousness nor any premeditation on my part. The tears in Melanie's eyes as she read Ben's words, and then turned to me and said, `Dad, I told you your Thoughtlets were a good thing!' instantly and powerfully brought to my mind the true strength of inside-out growth. If those I love, continue or choose to reject me because I have exercised `unrightous dominion,' shame on me. If those I love, continue or choose to reject me because they are not keeping the commandments, shame on them. If those I love continue or choose to embrace me and my example, oh happy day! Ben, thanks again for the pseudo-Thoughtlet and unexpected insights!
As I went through meetings this week, the strength of inside-out growth permeated my thoughts. Monday morning we had our second Continuum Resources meeting on getting ready for our SEG booth. Tuesday there was a long teleconference with John Amason and the MuSE people in Albequerque about the SEG. Wednesday morning Blaine Taylor and myself met with the PGS people about helping them build a Knowledge Backbone, and reached a handshake agreement on $25,000 worth of consulting, which will include us spending the week of September 20th in Stavanger. Wednesday evening I cooked dinner for Rob and his friend David Hergenrotter, and then watched the two Star Trek shows. Thursday we had the third SEG staff meeting. Friday we had an interview meeting with a Ph.D. we expect to go to work for us at Continuum Resources. Friday night I finally made it to see `The Mask of Zorro.' I also backed up some data for MuSE and was still at the office at 11:30 PM. Saturday I went for a run, and realized how out of shape I am, from the inside-out. I also bought a water bed to put upstairs for when Ben and Sarah (and others) visit. Ken Turner had the unvailing of his latest painting (The First Thanksgiving) Saturday afternoon, which follows the same multiple people portrait theme as `The Family Reunion.' It was a little snobby. However, the words of Joe Mannke, the owner of `Beef 'N Bird Rotisserie,' about the power of Ken's paintings on him as a World War II emigrant from Eastern Europe, brought tears to my eyes. I then went to `Mulan,' and was very touched by the true story of a daughter's efforts to honor her father. I do feel rejected and a failure when my kids check out of or choose to not attend Seminary or Church. Maybe with time I will learn patience and to internally recognize, as in each of the events of this week referenced in this paragraph, real strength comes from the inside-out. The same way geology or a plant or a baby grows and receives strength.
So do I think 28 years of thinking about, planning for, and designing the ideas behind Walden 3-D are doomed to an outside-in collapse? No! To me the key line in President Benson's quote is now `Christ changes men, who then change their environment.' I was touched by the Savior in Corvallis (.../9715.html) and I changed. I continue to be refined and polished, with the last couple of years having polished me and helped me become a better man. I am still far from perfect, and I still strive to be perfect, so I won't be rejected. As long as my efforts are for this reason, I intellectually realize I will be rejected. Because I have been changed, I strive to change my environment. The environment I have chosen to change just happens to be Earth. Will I accomplish the thoughts, plans, and designs of the last 28 years? Absolutely not in my lifetime. Probably not in your lifetimes. However, like the Thoughtlets, we are planting seeds, and when those seeds sprout, growing from the inside-out, they are destined to have a profound impact. A profound positive impact for you, my children, for your children, and for your friends. With a new hope and trust in my Savior, I truly look forward to watching each of you grow from the inside-out."