11 Mar 2007 #0710.html

Michael Grant Cahoon

. . .

Dear Family and Friends,

Welcome to this week's "Thoughtlet."

These words are my personal diary and a weekly review of ideas, beliefs, thoughts, or words that will hopefully be of some benefit to you: my children, my family, and my friends.

"This was a hard week for me. And I won't even refer to the two communications which came this week and which were the hardest for me to accept and handle. Rather I will focus on the death, possibly suicide, of Michael Grant Cahoon.

I have no notes on Monday. I expect I was still recovering from the disappointment regarding the meeting at Texas A&M University at Galveston regarding Galveston Futures (0709.html). I recall it was about 3:00 in the afternoon before there was any question about my day in Galveston. The question came from Mike Dunn, who was sympathetic and came across as if he expected the kind of result I received from my meetings. Oh well!

Tuesday morning I first read this e-mail from Melanie:

'Hey dad! I'm sorry that you were disappointed with the Galveston Futures discussions and that it didn't go better. I was thinking about you all week... when I saw Andrea on Saturday at the Time Out for Women, that was one of the first things that I asked about and she told me that you were disappointed. We are going to Austin on Thursday night... my old roommate from college is getting married in the San Antonio temple on Saturday and we decided to make a short trip out of it since it is the beginning of Jared's spring break. I went to the chiropractor today... my back has been really bothering me for about 3 months now. It is more sore this evening than ever... he did an adjustment and said that I had a pretty bad muscle strain so its fine but I hope it goes away sooner than later. Here's a GROSS Colby story... Enjoy!! On Sunday, the one of the counselors in primary came and got me out of gospel doctrine because Colby had gum stuck all over his shirt. We were trying to get it out but it was stuck good. So somebody found a shirt in the lost and found that he could wear. He was concerned that everybody would know it wasn't his shirt because he hadn't been gone out of primary long enough to have gone home and changed and come back. He made us wait a few extra minutes just to be sure it was long enough. When one of the teachers asked what was in his shirt... he told him that he was saving the gum for later. So, we got home from church and I was telling Glenda and Jackie about it and I said, "Colby, you never did tell me where you got that gum from." Jackie asked him if he got it out of the trash can. Colby said, "I did tell you where I got it from - I got it from the toilet!" Oh wait - it gets better. I said, "The toilet!!" Colby said, "Not the normal toilet mom, the one with all of the holes in the bottom that is against the wall!" SICK - he got it off of a urinal!! He says he didn't put it in his mouth and so I am going to believe him because that is so gross! Love ya, Melanie'

Tuesday evening one of the members of the Bishopric called to see if he could meet with me. He came over to the house about 7:30 PM for the purpose of exploratory questions regarding having me be the assistant 11 year old Blazer Scout Leader. The current leader is not doing his calling, and they need to get a mentor for the teacher. My response, of course, was I will do whatever I am called to do. It turns out his son was one of my scouts, when I was working in the Young Men's organization years ago. Also, his son was sent home early from his mission. During the conversation, it came out that shortly after their son came home, the Stake President visited, and after beating around the bush for quite a while, asked if he was angry at Youth Leaders who had not taught his son correctly. This was the first time I had correlated this Stake President's thoughts about about Youth Leader performance with me. It clicked, and it hurt, and at the appropriate time it needs to be explored in more depth directly with the individuals involved. After the Bishopric member left, Andrea and I watched an episode of 'The Unit' which Andrea had watched before, and which I had seen the last portion of, but did not have the beginning context.

Wednesday morning Andrea called about 9:00 to tell me about Michael Grant Calhoon's death, and how it appeared he had thrown himself in front of a bus to commit suicide. Coming on top of the previous night's revelation about Youth Leaders, and given my excessive ego, I could not help but correlate Michael's death with mistakes I have made. I wondered if my sacrament meeting talk, where I mentioned the night I considered suicide (../9835.html), had placed the thought in Michael's mind. The next couple of hours were really hard for me. It was an emotional meltdown, where my mind started going in negative circles and I was blaming myself for other people's choices and I could feel myself loosing control. My mind jumped to other times this has happened. I recalled vividly the night we had a TV special play a woman survivor of the holocaust screaming in our living room in Dallas, and my completely loosing self control for a couple of hours, screaming, pacing, putting my fist through my Warsaw guitar, and having an emotional breakdown over seeing this dramatization in my living room. Dr. Nancy White told me she thought this had something to do with something that happened when I was a very young baby, before I could speak, and that the images brought back the memory of this event. I thought of all of the times I have reverted to food to combat when there were emotional experiences I did not know how to handle. At 11:30 I stopped the work I was doing, and went for my 54 flight stair walk, hoping this would get my mind off of it's downward spiral. One of my thoughts as I walked was that it seems like these things which are so emotionally damaging to me tend to precede some kind of good news. By the time I finished walking, and after reading from the book I've been reading in the car pool and at lunch (State of the World - 2004), I was able to get my mind back on work and to stop the emotional meltdown. In fact, I focused on work so much it was about 3:30 before I checked the e-mail sent to the house, when I noticed an e-mail received at 12:55 PM, just after I finished my walk and lunch time reading. This e-mail said was from Jan Miller and said:

'Hi Roice, Thank you so much for your patience during our editorial process. We find your concept highly engaging and want to make sure that we can sell your material properly. We have enjoyed reviewing your website and other materials. We will be in touch shortly on a final decision. All the Best, Jan Miller Dupree/Miller & Associates'

This was the first response from Jan Miller since submitting my proposal by e-mail on 26 June 2006 and the hard copy version on 15 July 2006. I had called on 07 Sep 2006, 11 Oct 2006, 15 Nov 2006, 16 Jan 2007, 15 Feb 2007, 16 Feb 2007, 27 Feb 2007, 01 Mar 2007, 05 Mar 2007, and 06 Mar 2007, with the only really encouraging conversation being 15 Feb 2007 (0707.html). This e-mail definitely pulled me out of my emotional meltdown, and made me feel like my life might be worth something after all, even if I have failed at those things most important to me. I wrote a response, and decided, even though Andrea has been quite negative about this project, and it has been the cause of some of our most serious disagreements, I should let Andrea review my response before I sent it. I don't know if her edits were needed or not, and I went along with them. This is the response I sent:

'Jan, Thank you very much for your e-mail, and your interest in an engagement. Based on my research, I have no doubt you can sell 'An Open Mind.' Furthermore, I recognize that once there are resources to allow me to focus, the book must be my only focus until it is published and makes a nice profit for the publisher. While I have been waiting for your response, I have expanded some of the indexing/taxonomy framework concepts behind the web pages you and your team have reviewed (http://www.walden3d.com/openmind), and expect there will be interest in this work as it relates to 'An Open Mind' (see http://www.walden3d.com/Galveston, and particularly the expanded Timedex(SM), which is at http://www.walden3d.com/Galveston/td). Please pass on to Nena I was pushing on learning the results of your February 16th Focus Group due to some personal planning and scheduling issues. I look forward to your final decision, and hope it is to go forward. Best Regards, Roice'

Thursday started out with me being excited about the work I was doing for Geokinetics. This lasted for a couple of hours. Mike Schoemann and I had talked about how I could make some progress with the project I am working on, and I went after each of the specific opportunities we discussed. It took a couple of hours to come to dead ends on all sides, and I found myself waiting on the process again. So I told Mike I was going to give up and work on another project. He said there was nothing else I could do until the current migration finished. So I started working on 'An Open Mind,' and specifically building a table of the various God's of Mankind, as defined by key religions. Thursday evening I mowed the lawn, which was a good thing because the Homeowner's Association sent an e-mail telling me to mow the lawn which arrived on Friday. For what it is worth, Andrea had asked me not to mow the lawn until the new sod had taken root.

Friday I continued to work on the table after getting a haircut on the way home. Finished it the key draft Friday evening during the movie 'The Last Train to Gun Hill' and a new episode of 'Numb3rs.' Andrea and I left the house about 11:30 to picked up Matt at Hobby Airport at 12:55 AM. I-10 was closed, and so we took the Grand Parkway to I-59, then went to I-610, then to I-45, down Broadway to Hobby, and arrived right at 12:55 AM.

We were up early in Saturday morning, especially considering it was after 2:00 AM by the time we got to sleep, in order to get ready for Michael Grant Cahoon's funeral. It is a long drive to The Woodlands, especially when I-10 is closed. Clay Road was backed up. And we still made it to the LDS Chapel in the Woodlands about an 75 minutes before the funeral. The first folks we saw when we got inside were Ryan, Michael's brother who is Paul's age and went on his mission shortly after Paul, and Wanawan Cahoon. They are in our ward, and Wanawan teaches primary with me. I knew it was going to be a hard day based on how hard and how long Wanawan hugged me. Same with Ryan. Michael Grant Cahoon had a lot of make-up on. It hurt to see him lying in a coffin. Luana also grabbed hold and did not want to let go. Then Reynolds bear hugged me and did not want to let go. His comment was, 'Roice, you have always been such a good and true friend.' I did not feel like he was blaming me for his son's death, and this is when I expect Wednesday's emotional meltdown disappeared. Reynold's needed to talk, and he went through the last three days of Michael's life with me in detail. I came away from the conversation with reasonable doubt as to whether this was a suicide or not, and whether when Michael ran around the corner he was just running too fast and did not see the bus. I felt it was good we were there.

Matt was in his dress uniform. It was fun to watch people recognize him and their interaction with him. Coleen Cahoon is engaged, and I think it was very hard for Matt to get this news. We made our way to the chapel, and sat in the center in the first row behind the family seats. Andrea told me this was the same chapel where they had the service for Larry Law. And this would have been the chapel Todd and Michelle Stahlei attended. I couldn't help but reflect on the ties between this chapel and our chapel on Norwalk drive. We had almost an hour of meditation before the service started. The service was very nice.

The the cover for the program for Michael Grant Cahoon's funeral is to the right, and on the inside it said:

' Michael's Life Summary Michael Grant Cahoon was born July 23, 1984 in Dallas, Texas, to Reynolds and Louanna Cahoon as the fourth of their six children. the fourth of their six children. In his youth, Michael loved art, sports, and the outdoors, including finding and raising various reptiles. He was an excellent athlete, and particularly enjoyed and excelled at soccer and basketball. As he matured, his hobbies included fishing, singing, composing music, and playing guitar. In the spring of 2002 he received the Eagle Scout award. Michael graduated from Taylor High School in Katy, Texas in May 2004, and soon after served an honorable mission in the Seattle, Washington area for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Since his return, Michael has pursued his goal of becoming a high school English teacher by attending nearby Montgomery College. Throughout his life, Michael also gave many hours of service to those in need, including assisting with the Katrina and Rita hurricane efforts and serving in church programs to help the poor. For the last several years, he has struggled with bipolar disorder, which often gave him extreme mood swings and difficulty thinking clearly. Since his later youth, though, his greatest desire in life has been to share with others the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Funeral Service The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints 27707 Glen Loch Dr., The Woodlands, Texas Saturday, March 10, 2007 Presiding: President Randy Tolman Conducting: Bishop Sid Mann Organist: Robert Meyers Chorister: Jana Greenhalgh Family Prayer: Michelle Meyers Opening Hymn: #141 – Jesus the Very Thought of Thee Invocation: Bruce Cahoon Speaker: Ryan Cahoon Musical Number "Come Ye Disconsolate" Michelle Meyers and Anthony Cahoon Accompanied by Jana Greenhalgh Speaker: Cynthia Gilbert Speaker: Bishop Sid Manna Musical Number "Sweet Is The Work" Michelle Meyers, Ryan Cahoon, Cynthia Gilbert, Colleen Cahoon, Anthony Cahoon Accompanied by Jana Greenhalgh Speaker: President Tolman Closing Hymn: #85 – How Firm A Foundation (Verses 1-4, 7) Benediction: Ben Gilbert Postlude "I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go" Recording by Michael Cahoon Pallbearers Ryan Cahoon Anthony Cahoon Robert Meyers Ben Gilbert Bruce Cahoon Grant Cahoon Mark Cahoon Christ Guthrie Internment Klein Memorial Park 14711 FM 1488 Magnolia, Texas Graveside Dedicatory Prayer Reynolds Cahoon'

I remember playing chess with Michael Cahoon when we went to Big Bend National Park on a High Adventure (../0222.html). I remember playing the guitar at his Eagle Court of Honor (../0245.html). They had the program from Michael Grant Cahoon's Eagle Court of Honor on display next to the coffin, with my name there in black and white. The depth of my emotional involvement with the proceedings is shown by the fact I wrote four possible stanzas for Prime Words during the funeral Service at the Glen Loch Chapel in The Woodlands, based on comments by (a) Ryan Cahoon, (b) Cynthia Gilbert, (c) Bishop Sid Mann, and (d) Stake President Tolman:

'A man without guile A man full of compassion A man who did not prejudge A man showing charity and love (a) Many life events Center on serving others Being anxiously engaged In a good cause (b) As we reflect on others We need to reflect on our Savior To know he loves us And loves us unconditionally (c) Do not rush the grieving process It does no good to say 'What if?' Approach the Father on bended knees From tragedy comes goodness (d)'

After the service we stood outside and talked to friends who had driven up to The Woodlands for about a half-an-hour. We could not go to the graveside service because I needed to be back for Christian Larsen's baptism. Again it was fun to see reactions to how Matt has grown up, and it was fun to see him interacting with members of Nottingham Country Ward. I was a little nervous about getting back on time, especially as we had to stop and get gas. We actually had a hard time finding a service station, and when we did it was backed up. We got back in time to drive past the Pig Race place on Baker Road, and to get to the house by 2:10 PM. I left for the baptism at 2:15 PM.

I had several props, which I was able to set up prior to the baptismal service starting. The program for Christian Larsen's baptism said:

' Baptism of Christian Michael Larsen's March 10, 2007 Conducting Mark Beckstrom Chorister Thor Larsen Pianist Debbie Siebert Opening Song When I Am Baptized Opening Prayer Margaret Schoener Talk on Baptism Morgan Larsen Musical Number: Baptism Thor Larsen Baptism of Christian Larsen Vic Larsen Talk on Holy Ghost Roice Nelson Confirmation of Christian Larsen Vic Larsen Welcome Mark Beckstrom Closing Song The Holy Ghost Closing Prayer Carolee Larsen Refreshments'

My talk followed the basic outline I had put together. I did only use the first quote from 'On Walden Pond,' mostly because I was having a hard time keeping Christian's attention. Oh well! I think the talk went OK, and here is the talk as I wrote it out last Sunday afternoon:

'Christian Larsen's Baptism – Talk on The Holy Ghost Do you have an ear? How do you know? Can you touch it? Do you have a heart? How do you know? Can you touch it? Does your heart have an ear? How do you know? Can you touch it? The Holy Ghost is going to touch your heart's ear. You have to listen very carefully to hear The Holy Ghost. So what is The Holy Ghost like? Doctrine & Covenants 130:22 teaches us: "The Father has a body of flesh and bones as tangible as man's; the Son also; but the Holy Ghost has not a body of flesh and bones, but is a personage of Spirit. Were it not so, the Holy Ghost could not dwell in us." Christian, this afternoon, I am going to share two musical examples of listening to The Holy Ghost. To introduce the first I will quote from Henry David Thoreau's conclusions describing his time living at Walden Pond": "Why should we be in such desperate haste to succeed and in such desperate enterprises? If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. It is not important that he should mature as soon as an apple tree or an oak. Shall he turn his spring into summer? p. 216 Drums from Nigeria, Benin, Mongolia (forgot), and Australia. "Our Class" C: Our class is the CTR-8 This year we pass baptism's gate We Truly are CTR-8 And there's no question we are great 1. My name is Roice I teach this choice Group of young people Who are finding their voice 2. I'm Thor Larson's I'm not Johnny Carson I help keep control As a substitute Parson 9. I'm Bethany A pretty penny Quiet and shy Envied by many 3. I'm Christian I like to listening Sometimes to a different drummer Getting baptized is my missionary In Doctrine & Covenants 68:25 we are taught: "And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by th laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents." Did your parents teach you to be baptized and to receive the Holy Ghost? Is this how I knew it was your mission to get baptized? So what happens now that you have been baptized? Well sometimes you will feel very much alone. As Henry David Thoreau wrote in "On Walden Pond": "A man thinking or working is always alone, let him be where he will. Solitude is not measured by the miles of space that intervene between a man and his fellows. The really diligent student in one of the crowded hives of Cambridge College is as solitary as a dervis in the desert. p. 95 My experience is that these time when we are alone are when we can be taught by The Holy Ghost. Doctrine & Covenants 121:46 teaches us: "The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever." Please listen with your heart to the words of this next song. This song describes how The Holy Ghost answered my first prayer: The First Prayer: C. Be still, my son (Christian), be still Be still, my son (Christian), be still Be still, my son (Christian), be still And know that I am God 1. You ask: "Who am I?" You want to come to know me. You ask: "Where am I?" And, "How will I answer your plea?" 2. Yes, I'm close when you're on your knees Yes, I hear you calling out to me Yes, I'll touch your thoughts of truth The spirit will answer for me 3. Look, down inside your heart Can't you feel the burning there's It's a voice witnessing for me The love of God is everywhere 4. Help, this tiny seed to grow This message is for everyone Let all my people know Tell them what Jesus Christ has done I want to close with another quote from Henry David Thoreau: "Though the view from my door was still more contracted, I did not feel crowded or confined in the least. There was pasture enough for my imagination." p. 63 As you go through your life, listening to your own drummer, may you always find enough pasture for your imagination and may The Holy Ghost always be your guide.'

Andrea had Matt bring her to the church and she arrived after the baptism and before my talk. She was Christan's Primary Teacher when she taught Sunbeams. Christian's Dad performed the ordinances, and is a Bishop up north someplace. We had a nice conversation. On the way home Andrea had some very nice words to say about my talk, about how well I relate to the kids, how I talk to them as a kid, how much difference I make in their lives (specifically referring to the hug Shannon Conners gave me when we were at the funeral earlier in the day), and how it really doesn't matter if I ever build my city or not because of this difference. It still matters to me. The following photos were taken by Sister Larsen and sent to Andrea and I as e-mails:

At 5:30 PM Andrea, Matt, and I were back to the Relief Society Room to attend an Eagle Court of Honor for Jay Rainsdon and Andrew Salt. Matt Feil gave the Eagle Charge and Floyd Lunt gave the Eagle Award Presentation. I found it particularly rewarding to see Matt Feil lead out in this Eagle Court of Honor. He was in the first young men's group I worked with when we moved to Nottingham Country Ward. He left the church, married, divorced, and was working construction in Salt Lake before he married Tiffany Jones, moved back to Houston, and now they are expecting their third child. Maybe I am not a failure on all accounts after all. And maybe most of what I beat myself up about has little to do with me, and a lot to do with other people's choices. I wrote three possible stanzas for Prime Words at the Court of Honor, which was held in the Relief Society Room at the church on Saturday evening, 10 March 2007, quoting from (a) Marvin Rainsdon, who was quoting Ralph Waldo Emerson, (b) Steve Salt, and (c) Matt Feil:

'What lies behind us Or what lies ahead of us Matters little when compared To what lies within us (a) Scouting is aimed at Teaching the importance of service Special Olympics and the Epiphany Concert are examples (b) The white of the badge teaches honor Blue is loyalty to God and country Red is courage to stand up for right Cheerful service through daily good turns (c)'

Our Matt was in the Eagle's Nest. He did not plan ahead enough to put his uniform back on. After the Court of Honor he went to the mall with his friend Andrew. Andrea and I went to Cinemark and watched 'Amazing Grace,' a movie about England creating laws to abolish supporting the slave trade. It is a good historical movie. Kids probably would not like it, and I think it would be good for all 10 of you and your spouses to see. I went to bed and fell asleep before Matt got home.

Sacrament meeting was good. There were a lot of people not there because of the early change to Daylight Savings Time. Greg Branning's comments seemed particularly powerful to me. Then in Primary Sharing Time, my former student Morgan Bancroft gave the talk. It was a good talk, and when I thought she was through she said 'I need two volunteers.' Almost all of the kids put their hands up. She selected Evi Davis and Rachel Sarlls (who is in my class). When they got to the front, Morgan got down from the podium and went to the chalk board where she pointed to a drawing and said 'This is obviously a shovel,' pointed to another drawing and said 'And this is obviously a hole in the ground. We are going to take your sins and bury them in this hole. Evi, what sin have you committed this morning?' Evi could not think of anything she had done wrong at 9:25 AM after an hour of Sacrament Meeting on this the first morning of daylight savings time. Morgan kept pushing her, and finally got frustrated and said: 'Well, I'll just make up some sins, or write about some of mine. I yelled at my brother this morning.' Then she unsuccessfully attempted to get Rachel to confess to a big sin this morning. Since this didn't work, she asked for some more volunteers, and everyone's hand went up again. This time she said she needed to pick boys, because they make more mistakes. I couldn't hear what the boys confessed to doing, but Morgan diligently wrote it down in the hole. There was a space at the bottom of the hole, and she said, 'I need one more volunteer to fill up the rest of this whole.' All the kids raised their hands again. And Morgan pointed at Sister Davis and said 'What sin did you commit this morning?' Sister Davis was quite taken back, and she said with a timid voice, 'I didn't read the scriptures this morning.' Morgan was satisfied with this, wrote it down, drew dirt on top of the whole, and drew a flower growing out of the whole. Then she bore her testimony about how we all need to be like the Lamanites who buried their weapons of war, and bury our sins. None of the teachers showed any expression. I thought it was hilarious. Here is a strong eight year old calling the ward to repentance. I'm glad she didn't ask me to confess my sins.

I took a long nap after a big spaghetti dinner. Then it was time for choir. We took a key to Scott Miner to take in our mail and paper while we are at Disney World (0711.html). Our Home Teachers, Tim Gebauer and Andrew Salt, the new Eagle Scout, came by because Matt is home. Matt's friend Andrew, his fiancée and baby from another woman and 6'8" friend came by and spent an hour with us. Matt is certainly being exposed to different examples, and I think he sees the danger of some of these examples. I just wish I would have known what to do to set the right example for those I love, including Michael Grant Calhoon."

Since the 38th week of 1996 I have written a weekly "Thoughtlet" (little statements of big thoughts which mean a lot to me). Until the 43rd week of 2004 I sent these out as an e-mail. They were intended to be big thoughts which mean a lot to me. Over time the process evolved into a personal diary. These notes were shared with my family because I know how important the written word can be. Concerned about how easy it is to drift and forget our roots and our potential among all of distractions of daily life, I thought this was a good way to reach those I love. It no longer feels right to send out an e-mail and "force" my kids and my family to be aware of my life and struggles.

Everyone has their own life to lead, and their own struggles to work through. I will continue this effort, and will continue to make my notes publicly accessible (unless I learn of misuse by someone who finds out about them, and then will aggressively pursue a legal remedy to copyright infringement and I will put the Thoughtlets behind a password).

The index to download any of these Thoughtlets is at http://www.walden3d.com/thoughtlets, or you can e-mail me with questions or requests at rnelson@walden3d.com (note if you are not on my e-mail "whitelist" you must send 2 e-mails within 24 hours of each other in order for your e-mail to not be trashed).

With all my love,
Dad
(H. Roice Nelson, Jr.)

. . .

Copyright © 2007 H. Roice Nelson, Jr.