cc: file, Grandma Hafen via Tony Hafen, Pauline Nelson via mail, Sara and Des Penny, Claude and Katherine Warner, and Lloyd and Luana Warner.
"Last week I wrote about life: (`I know my life has been extended. I believe this has been because I can be of service to my God! I recognize His hand in my life. Accordingly I have dedicated my life to serving Him and His work. I made this commitment back in 1968, and inspite of all of my weaknesses, I continue to strive to provide this service.'). Based on events of this last week, it seems logical to talk about the other side of the coin this week.
Reynolds Cahoon (D&C 52:30, 61:35; 75:32; 94:14; opps, that was Reynolds' ancestor) reports to me on his Home Teaching. We decided a couple of interviews ago to have a dutch oven dinner for his families at my house. He invited a young man his son Ryan had taught the gospel to, before leaving on his mission, to join us. The young man arrived a few minutes before anyone else. He is 20. His wife delivered a son by cesearian section early in July and they named him a Junior. Last week his wife left and took his son with her and went to Tennessee. She had committed adultry 3 or 4 times, he had accepted her back, and now she was gone. As we talked, I asked questions based on Pairs experience, and a little book I read last week: `How to Survive the Loss of a Love' by Melba Colgrove, Harold H. Bloomfield, & Peter McWilliams. To provide a context I quote from the book, pages 19-20, 22, and 68-69:
So after I listened to the dispair, I asked if he had considered suicide. He answered yes. I put my hand on his shoulder, looked him in the eye, and asked him to promise me he would not take this action. He promised.
I recall three times in my life when I felt complete dispair.
First: I took my 30-30 saddle gun out of the closet, loaded it, and with fanfare, asked Marti if this was a solution. I scared myself. Shortly after this I packed up all three of my guns, shipped them as baggage when I went to Utah to visit Mom and Dad, and gave them to Uncle Tony, who likes to collect guns. I don't remember when this happened.
Second: On the 22nd of May in 1994, in a talk titled `Why was the Aaronic Priesthood Restored?' I wrote and said:
Paul made a comment to me about how inappropriate my comment was. It always interested me that there was never a question asked, as to what was the origin of these feelings of total dispair. Despite having a lot of friends in the ward, I think I scared them with my openness. I guess it doesn't matter if anyone else knows what initiated the emotional meltdown, since it was my feelings, and I just needed to learn how to refocus my thoughts, put in the nuclear control rods, and avert meltdown.
Third: I recall when I was driving back from Austin each week, how I identified several places where I could drive the car and it would most likely not be discovered. It takes a geologist and a river to have these kind of thoughts. There were feelings of failure, and pain, and anger, and rage. Needless to say, I turned my thoughts a different direction, and do not think suicide will ever be a viable option for me. Hopefully it will also not be an option for any of you or any of yours.
Your Mom's Uncle, Aunt Martha's husband, committed suicide. He shot himself with a revolver. It was devastating on his children. I have always had the greatest respect for Aunt Martha. She has seemed like the true rock among the children of Thomas Barabas Sharp. However, I am sure that this experience has left a lasting impression on your Mom. I do know that before your Mom told me, yet again, she was going to divorce me, she went to Bishop Daniels and warned him I `might do something stupid.' I'm glad she was wrong. I'm sorry I created and fed on those fears. I didn't even realize this might have happened until earlier this year, when I called Aunt Martha to see if she had any advise for me, based on your Mom visiting her.
Today in Gospel Doctrine the lesson was about Jonah. When The Lord told Jonah to go to Nineveh and cry against that great city, he rose up to flee from the presence of the Lord. When the sea's tempestuousness was about to sink the ship Jonah said:
When the Lord was merciful to the people of Nineveh, after they repented, Johah said:
After teaching Jonah he did not labor for a gourd of water, he did not make it grow, and it was of no benefit to him to get angry when it perished, the Lord taught:
Paul wrote a nice letter this week, in which he talked about the Lord's grace. He said:
As I think of the mundane of my life, it is nice to have good books, the scriptures, my guitar, friends, and family to remind me I am important and life is worth living. We have been working very hard to get Continuum up and running. Staff meetings, interpretations of 2-D and 3-D data sets for demonstrations, a nice lunch under Ken's new picture at Beef 'N Bird with Doug Harless, demonstrations to Creve Maples at Rick Zimmerman's company of what a real oil company does, planning meetings, and a visit from Carolina Cruez, the lady who built the first CAVE (tm) as part of her Ph.D. program, all seem to muddle together as I recall the last week. I went to see the movie `Smoke Signals' Friday night. It is really good. It is about what I have written about, and yet it is not. It ends reminding us, among other things, `we need to forgive or fathers for divorcing our mothers or not divorcing our mothers.' The movie got me thinking about some of the mistakes of my life, and some of the successes. It motivated me to take on a hard topic, to attempt to face it directly, and to encourage each of you to also face it directly, whether in your own lives, or in the lives of your friends. Last night Reynolds and I had about 16 folks over for dinner. It was a lot of fun. The kids loved the pool and the cobbler. The adults loved the dutch oven potatoes and the conversation. It made me feel really good to be alive, even though none of you were here to enjoy it with me. May you all live long and healthy lives, emotionally and spiritually as well as physically."