cc: file, Tony Hafen, Pauline Nelson via mail, Sara and Des Penny, Lloyd and Luana Warner, Diane Cluff, and Maxine Shirts.
"There were several topics I could have selected for this week. I considered `Rain' or 'Thunder' or `Hiding Stuff' or `Truth.' I selected `Daddy-Daughter Young Women Activity' because this Wednesday was probabily the first and last opportunity I will have to participate in one of these.
At least, I don't recall going to a Daddy-Daughter Young Women Activity with either Melanie nor Sara. And, of course, neither Heather nor Audrey lived here when they were in Young Women's. And Rachel leaves in just 3 more months.
Well we had fun on Wednesday night. It was an activity for one of the Wood's girls, and she did an excellent job. The first thing we had to do was fill out questionaires about obtuse aspects of our our life: `Is Rachel's room more like a file cabinet, a locker room, or a tornado aftermath?' I chose file cabinet and was right. In fact, the only question I missed was Rachel's favorite actor. I said Matt Daman rather than Brad Pitt. Then they put shaving cream on the daughter's hands, said `go' and they had to lather us up, shave the lather off with a popcicle stick, clean off our hands, and tie a necktie on us. There was even strawberry ice cream and sprite- cranberry juice punch for dessert (thanks to the sparcely attended Valentines Dance and the Activity Committee). It was a good evening, and I wish there would have been more of them with each of you beautiful young women I call daughters. Just as I wish all of the campouts with each of you boys would have been good experiences for all. Oh well!
The other topics I was considering are pretty descriptive, simply by title. I recall several times in my life when it has seemed as if the heavens are weeping with me. These include:
I was in Austin at the La Quinta Inn on North Mopac the night I learned about the tax hit. I had my guitar with me. I was on the fourth floor in a room overlooking Mopac. There was one of these Texas thunderstorms that you can watch for 100 miles and which light up the entire sky and as they approach can be deafening. I started a song that night, on 03 April 1997, which I have never finished, and which, to some degree, captures the moment:
The rainstorm Wednesday night was mild by comparison. At
least in terms of thunder and lightening. However, the
feelings were raw and hurt. I do not believe the words
Carolyn shared were intended to hurt, they were simply a
combination of her hurt coming out, and sharing information
with her neighbor she felt should have been shared a long
time ago, and which her husband probably didn't agree
should be shared. I learned we had a major impact on them
when they moved in, and I asked if they would like me to
get the Elder's Quorum to help them move in. At least,
Carolyn really appreciated the gesture. I learned she
works with one of my friends, and it is obvious they talk
about our family. I learned one of my kids talked to 911
one night when there was a drinking party going on at their
house and was able to calm the whole situation down and
keep the police from being involved with a nasty situation.
I learned one of my kids and their friends used to sit on
the roof of our house and smoke, talk to Tommy, and go
over and have a smoke with him. I learned one of my kids
partied with their daughters friends at college, and the
implication was the parties were not like ones I host.
I learned by what wasn't said there were other things
which could be and probably will be said at some time in
the future. Basically I learned that my paranoia in
those years was probably right on track, and that there
was a lot of stuff that was being hidden from me.
Of course there isn't anything I can do about all of this stuff now. I could wish there would have been more daddy- daughter young women activites in those days, campouts were sons and dads actually communicated, that I did not travel as much as I did in those days, that I hadn't lost my temper as much as I did and created a perceived need to hide stuff from me, and that those I loved would choose to be honest with themselves and with me. I could sweep it under the carpet and not mention anything about what I learned. I chose to share the comments, without tieing names to specific activities, as an attempt to do a little teaching.
First, Carolyn Kroll just needed to talk. Maybe she was being true to herself, and was sharing information with a neighbor she likes and trusts, partly because she was hurt by the sudden death of her husband, and, I believe, largely because she needed to warn her neighbor all is not well in Zion and she was no longer being disloyal to her husband by sharing the information. If any of you say anything negative to Mrs. Kroll because I have the integrity to share with you the things I learned rather than to bottle them up inside of me so that they would later explode, I will be really disappointed. If any of you feel guilty, it is only a small prelude to how you will feel as you stand at the judgement bar of God, unless you confess and put the past behind you before you wake up and find yourself standing there. Confess does not mean you have to confess to me. You are all adults now, and your repentance, if you choose to do so, is your business. It is part of life that we all make mistakes. The plan of salvation allows us to repent, if we choose to have faith, to have our sins washed from us, and to be taught a better way to live by the Holy Ghost. It is there for our taking and it is free. It is entirely our choice.
Second, the choices of each member of a family reflect on all of the members of that family. Laman and Lemuel had a major impact on Lehi, Sariah, Nephi, Sam, Joseph, and Jacob. Just as Nephi had a great impact on each of the others. Typically a family has unwritten traditions. These traditions, or scripts, carry for generations.
Let me attempt to be specific. John George Hafen accepted polygamy. His wife, Suzetta Bossard, did not, and it created a bitter strife. His son Adolph Hafen kept the Post Office and Store in Santa Clara, and did not provide sufficient for his 13 children, just as his Father was not there for all of his children. Paul Adolph Hafen wanted out of this, and started his own cattle business. He provided money for college for some of his sisters and brothers, to make up for Dad. He was an angry and controlling man. I recall how he treated Uncle Glenn when Glenn bought a fancy new little car. I loved my Grandpa. Yet in the last few years I have heard my Mother say how upset she is with both of her parents. David Forshee was a philanderer. His wife died of a broken heart shortly after Grandma Hafen's birth. The Morris Family helped, and sought insure Grandma didn't follow in her father's footsteps. Grandma seemed to thrive on books I found repulsive. And yet she was a wonderful person. Like each of us, a flawed person. A person who made mistakes. A person who had a pattern written on her personality by her environment and her genes. And she made the choices herself as to whether to throw a temper tantrum at the ranch where no one but her kids (and their kids, through the actions of her kids) could see her. I didn't see her do this. I love Grandma Hafen. I heard about the temper tantrums, and I have seen repetitions of them in myself and others.
I want to stress the same kind of negative words can be written about the Nelsons, the Sharps, the Lewellyns, the Shirts, and even the Bairds. Hopefully there are always more positives than negatives. And it really doesn't matter, once we accept our ancestors and ourselves as human beings, with flaws that need our Savior's grace to overcome, and then focus on undertanding the scripts playing out in our lives and start making the best choices possible ourselves. I quote again from Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (../9845.html):
Third, I wish my relationship with each of you was close
enough you would not feel the need to hide anything you do.
I wish we could have discussed choices before they became
catastrophies in your lives. I hope you can see that
PAIRS truly helped me get rid of a lot of anger I was
carrying around, and that when it rains, or there is
thunder, or I find those I love hiding stuff from me, or
when there is reason to question the truthfullness of
statements others make, that there can be a frank, open,
and honest discussion about what is actually going on. I
realize some of you may never escape the negative scripts
unwittingly or purposefully passed on to you. And I hope
and pray you will. And I hope my efforts to teach truth
through my words and my example will prove to be an iron
rod you can each hold on to when storms cross your path.
As far as my week, other than the Daddy-Daughter Young Women Activity, it was more of the same. I met with three executives of a small oil company on Tuesday. They expressed interest in using us and in funding us. I had a follow-up meeting with Black Stone Minerals, and they agreed to another follow-meeting next week. I had a 3 hour interview with Shell Research, and might go to work for them for a couple of years working on Exploration Process stuff. I should know how that went this week. This was follow-up on the meeting with Paul Sullivan on February 10th (0206.html). Albert, Steve, Roger, and I had dinner with two of the Shell representatives I interviewed with on Monday at the Canyon Cafe on Tuesday night. Christian Singfield and I spent time on the phone and time with each other and with Chuck Edwards. Albert Boulanger and I created a whole series of web pages which allow folks to select areas, using the web, where they would like Dynamic Resources to use the Lead Generation Machine to highgrade where to explore (see the examples linked to http://www.walden3d.com/dynamic/counties). I put together some pages focused on the needs of Meritech (see http://www.walden3d.com/maritech). We trimmed more trees and bushes on Saturday, while Andrea went to the Annual Relief Society Conference. Joe Amason stopped by and there was a nice conversation with him while we were cleaning up the branches. Matt and Rachel both helped a lot outside. And Andrea had done a lot of the hard work under the bushes during the week. There was a Cardinal in one of the Cypress Trees and I was able to talk to him for about a half-an-hour. Fun.
I finished `Bone Hunters,' the novel I started when the computer went down. Pretty good, except for language, and misrepresentations of the church. I found some of the comments quite insightful. For example:
And like many novels it was based around a series of
different lies. Which, is my subtheme for this week.
I liked the following words, and wish you could each
say the same words (at least the words in the first
paragraph) in your own way and with real meaning:
Saturday evening Matt, Andrea, and I went to see the
Count of Monte Cristo. I loved the movie. It was only
last fall when Rob basically asked me to go after Bill
Rollwitz to get revenge. I prefer to spend what resources
I have building up rather than tearing down. And I
declined to play the revenge game. I hope someday he
understands. I also hope that the maps I have been
following lead to the same kind of financial freedom
the Count of Monte Cristo found. Anyway, time will tell.
In the meantime, I hope you all have a wonderful week,
and that those I offended with this e-mail will get with
me and talk through stuff that needs to be talked
through. The difference between my Dad, my Granddads,
their fathers, their fathers, and me, is that I've been
forced to face the lies I've told to myself, and I've
come out a better person. The result is I am available
to help each of you face the lies you've told to me and
to yourselves, if you want my help. If not, there are
counselors and Bishops who will do just fine. If you
will take advantage of this, you will be better and
happier people. Sort of like a stepdad at his first
Daddy-Daughter Young Woman Activity."