cc: file, Tony Hafen, Pauline Nelson via mail, Sara and Des Penny, Claude and Katherine Warner, Lloyd and Luana Warner, Diane Cluff, Maxine Shirts, and Sherri Trittipo.
"Every twice in awhile paranoia strikes, and I wonder why I bother to write these notes. For over a year now some of you havn't commented on whether you even read them anymore. At least they don't bounce back, so I know your computer receives them. I recognize the fact the Thoughtlets do not seem to create any better communication by themselves. For instance, I'm not getting much information back from most of you. Paul it was nice of you to send a note back answering my question about where you were when the tragedy on September 11th happened. It was mostly an excercise for you individually, and so I'm not going to repeat your response. You will each be able to do that for years, yourselves, everytime there is a terrorist aggesssion somewhere in the world.
As was said in an early Thoughtlet, communication requres a source, a media, and a receiver (../9643.html). I know I'm sending information out (the source), and the messages aren't bouncing (the media), and yet there is seldom acknowledgement of receipt. Then I think how much I wish I had a diary of my Dad, my Mom, one of my Gandparents, or their parents, and I realize again why I am writing these notes. Partly it is ego. Partly it is to leave my mark and say to the world, this person lived and his life was not in vain. Mostly it is to find ways to tell you kids how much I love you, and that I want you to be able to learn from and avoid my mistakes, and to find joy in your own lives. The Thoughtlet approach, by it's nature, is a long-term approach, and I do recognize I might not learn if it really has value or what that real value is while I am alive. Oh well! It won't prove to be a valid test if I stop, and so I don't. I am in this for the long-term, and I apologize for those times like this week, when my notes comes across as `poor me,' self-indulgence pity. Maybe seeing me open up my feelings will help some of the rest of you see when you get into this depressive mode of living. The key is to recognize the mood and get out of it.
Maybe I have not learned how to not overreact to something said in passing. It is interesting how word can hurt, even when I am certain they were said with absolutely no malicious intent. Last Sunday evening when I called my Mom, I said something about someone, and she came back with, `Well, I certainly hope I don't get judged for all of the things you have done.' Mom, I honestly believe you did not intend to say anything hurtful. I have certainly said and written much more biting words to you. And your words gave me something to think about this week.
My first reaction was righteous (more probably self-rightous) indignation. I have lived a good life. I have always strived to make the right choices. Since my experience in Corvallis, I have attempted to put God and His work first. I have always provided for my family. I have done the very best I know how to teach correct principles. I have let those I love govern themselves (maybe not as soon as I should have). I have wonderful kids. I have a wonderful wife, whom I love with all of my heart. I have worked to make integrity and honesty part of who I am. I have fulfilled all church callings to the best of my ability. I have worked hard in my profession. I am respected and lauded for my professional accomplishments. And my Mom doesn't want to be judged by all of the things I have done?
My second reaction was I have missed the mark and I have failed. It is easy for me to get into this self-pity mode, and to say `Oh, poor me! I have it so rough!' Certainly I do not have the relationship I would like to have with my parents, of whom only Mom is left, with my sister, with my cousins, nor with my uncles and aunts. I am certainly not as close to you kids as I would like to be, and especially not Roice and Rob. Although I did have a good visit with Roice when he came down two weekends ago. Also, Rob and I have sent several e-mail's back and forth the last couple of weeks. Certainly Rob blames me for his getting kicked out of school, and not graduating with his High School Class. I find it interesting to be on this side of being judged. Especially since the little things I did with regards to answering the school's questions about his extra curricular activities were only a small portion of what the Life-Way Counselors suggested I do. It is certianly easy for me to fall into the trap of feeling like I haven't done anything that really matters, and I have missed the boat on most, if not all, of my activities.
My third reaction was, I will never be able to please my Mom. The goal posts are not fixed, and no matter what I do, my efforts will be judged as insufficient and irrelevant. And if I feel that way at 51, how does Roice feel at 26? Ben at 25? Paul at 24? Heather and Melanie at 22? Audrey at 21? Sara at 20? Rob at 18? Rachel at 17? and Matt at 14? I hope you each know how much I love you, irrespective of any goal posts! Mom, I know how much you love me.
So Mom, thanks for getting me to think about judging and being judged this week. It has provided a good basis for keeping the neurons whirring, during those slack times in the car, between meetings or phone calls, in the evenings, or when I've been out running or walking. I can't say I have come up with any profound insights, and yet there were a couple of things happen I feel are worthwhile to put in this electronic journal.
To start with, yesterday I went and got a haircut. It was Cinco Ranch Homecoming day, and so I had the opportunity to wait for a half an hour. The only non-girl magazine on the table was an Inc. Magazine for July 2001. The article is sufficiently relevant to my topic of being judged, I am going to type it out for all of you to read:
So what were some of the other thoughts I've had this week about being judged? There was an e-mail from Heather, I haven't responded to yet, a discussion with Rachel, another discussion with Matt, e-mail from Rob last week, and conversations with Andrea all tied around whether I am judging or not. Interesting thing is, it doesn't matter if it is righteous, just, on-track, or just plain right. The fact is none of us like to feel judged. We all do like to feel loved. Important truths.
Of course, I like each of you have been saturated with media coverage of the war against terrorism. My thoughts have wondered to quotations from various prophets and apostles about calamities in the Last Days, and about the signs of the times. I recall reading prophecies that there will be a second migration to the Rocky Mountains, and that it will make the handcart treks look like eating a piece of cake. In the back of my mind, I have worried about this ever since moving to Texas. In some ways, I have considered all of my scout work as preparation, in case I need to lead groups to Utah. Ken Turner had a dream once about hundreds of tents on his property in New Ulm. I know if there is a terrorist attack in Houston or vicinity, it is my intention to use Ken's place as a staging area to get family and friends out west. Hopefully all of you in Texas remember these words and know how to get to New Ulm. Hopefully this is simply paranoia. However, related to these trials and tribulations, which will `deceive the very elect,' is this quote from Wilford Woodruff, the 4th Prophet of our dispensation:
The balance between being judged and receiving mercy is often such a fine line it can be considered bipolar (../9709.html). I know I do not consciously judge, and yet experience teaches us we need to judge in order to make decisions. I hope all of you learn from my mistakes and my successes and when it is necessary to make a decision find you have judged with integrity. For none of us can do any better than our best.
In terms of this week's diary, I worked at home quiet a bit of this week. Steve and Albert came out Tuesday evening and had dinner with us. I went in and met with them and one of the folks they are interviewing to run vPatch Wednesday afternoon. I didn't have Young Men's and so I stayed home and watched the 2 hour opening of 'Enterprise,' the new Star Trek series Wednesday evening.
There were a variety of telephone calls and teleconferences. I started making follow-up calls from APPEX, SEG, and GCPE (Gulf Coast Prospect Expo). Even made my first visit to Harry Mcmahon, Vice President Exploration and New Ventures with Anglo Dutch Energy L.L.C. on Friday afternoon. I think they will enter into a little contract with Dynamic within the next couple of weeks. Andrea and I went to the Temple on Friday morning. First time we have been since the attack, and it felt so good to be there. I went by Chroma in the afternoon, and ended up being late for Matt's soccer practice. Brother Burnham was home and he picked up Matt and took him down to practice for me. I picked him up, helped him mow the lawns, and went to a meeting about Saturday Night Live (November 10th for anyone who wants to come and join us) at Steve Salt's. While at that meeting Swede Nelson called and said his investors have put in a bid to purchase Texas Independent Exploration from Rick Zimmerman, with a nice commission for me. I don't expect this to happen. By the way Sara, Steve and Rick want you to come and show them your picture and tell them about your trip to France.
Saturday included a run/walk, and was Matt's first soccer game with his new team. I spent most of the day reading a novel called `Cutting Edge.' It is about high-tech Network Agent software development in Silicon Valley, and I enjoyed it. It was a church member's first novel, and he did a pretty good job. Andrea judged 4 debate tournaments on Friday evening and went to the church wide women's broadcast on Saturday evening. I watched a two hour History Channel special on the history of terrorism over the last 100 years on Saturday night after finishing the book.
Church was nice today. We had another meeting about Latter-Day Night Live (remember, I'm the new Ward Activities Committee Chairman), and our home teacher came by. Matt went with Brother Gebauer to visit one of his other families since his companion Brother Lunt is ill. I hope each of you also had a good day, and I hope you feel loved and not judged."