cc: file, Grandma Hafen via Tony Hafen, Pauline Nelson via mail, Sara and Des Penny, Claude and Katherine Warner, and Lloyd and Luana Warner.
"On Friday I received a call from the editor of one of the more widely circulated magazines in the oil industry. He was trying to sell me a one page advertisement in a specific issue of his magazine. I don't make those decisions for Continuum and so it was a wasted phone call. However, he also wanted to talk. The cynical side of me says he was looking for inside information. He really suprised me when he said, `Roice, it is so good to see you smile again, after several years of appearing to be down.' I was really quite taken back, because of two other conversations eariler in the week. However, I recovered and said, `The last few years have been a fairly significant challenge.' He responded, `For me too,' and proceeded to talk about how well we had done at the SEG Convention and said we stole the entire convention with the presentations Continuum Resources showed (.../1998/9838.html).
By the end of the conversation I almost forgot that `No success in life can compensate for failure in the home.' Maybe my friend David Devor is right, and I need to spend some time defining `success,' `life,' `failure,' and `home.' I know I don't consider any of you kids to be `failures.' I also don't consider my efforts to be completely in vain. I doubt if I would keep writing these Thoughtlets if I didn't believe the effort to have value over the longer term. In thinking about my ongoing feelings of immasculation and failure, I recall the second of three councilors your Mom and I went to did some tests, and diagnosed me as having a long-term low-grade depression. In my reading about this stuff since that time, it is my conclusion that this kind of feeling is mostly inside our own heads. Maybe the bottom line is I just need to smile more. Maybe smiling is what we all need to do more of.
Sister Grua went to work for me on Monday. She is going to take over keeping track of Walden 3-D, Dynamic Oil & Gas, HyperMedia, and my personal finances. She is also going to work on some of my personal projects, including to help me finish cleaning up the filing Melanie started this summer. Rhonda is so busy with Continuum stuff, that this stuff has kind of been left in the dust, and it is time to get it all cleaned up. When Rhonda met with her on Monday and they were talking through all of the things I am trying to do, Sister Grua said to Rhonda how good it is to see me smiling again. Rhonda told me about the conversation on Tuesday, and seconded the comment with her own observation that I seemed to be a lot happier the last weeks than the last few years. I don't feel like I am smiling any more, and it is still nice to have others point it out.
When I got home Monday, there was a message from Des pointing out the game we played was backgammon, not cribbage. Oh well! I smiled at my lack of interest in games. Later Monday evening, at Family Home Evening, Jane Moreless was back for the first time in several months (she is retired and spends most of her time on cruises, visiting her kids, and travelling around). She also made a comment about how much happier I seemed to be. Rob was at Family Home Evening, and he volunteered to give the lesson next week (tomorrow night), on his birthday. He is sure good with Janet and Mike Smith's two kids and with Paige Law. We have built some nice memories this last two years with our little Family Home Evening Group.
Wednesday I went to lunch with a researcher I have known for several years at The University of Houston, who has been working at Texaco for the last year. He talked me into being the organizer for the Gulf Coast SEG (Society of Exploration Geophysicists) Spring Symposium, which will be held in Houston the 15th and 16th of April. I selected Beef 'N Bird Rotisserie, and as we were driving there he asked me if I had seen the gastly painting with all of the ghosts. I smiled and said `yes.' Then he proceeded to tell me how wierd it was to have a painting of ghosts of people who have not been born yet. I smiled and said `I can understand how this can seem unusual.' As we sat where we could both see the painting, I mentioned I know the artist very well, and that the painting in my office (Sara's painting of the landscapes and milestones), was done by the same artist. The conversation that ensued was really interesting, and it included several things which suprised me. He reminded me that prior to his leaving the University of Houston he had taken me to lunch, and he had sought my input on how to direct his career. He is seriously following some of the things I suggested. He pointed out how many things I have been involved in starting, and how they have impacted his studies, his research, and his career. And he mentioned in an offhand way, how pleased I seemed to be with myself these days, and how much happier than a couple of years ago. By the time I got back to the office Wednesday afternoon I knew what my theme for this week's Thoughtlet was.
Thursday and Friday I spent working on a couple of papers, planning out the Spring Symposium, working with the software guys on design issues, and doing maintenance. There have been a lot of messages on my Project Mind mail list the last few weeks, and I have been averaging being between 500 and 600 messages behind. I worked on catching some of this up Thursday night, getting the list down to the 400's, and the backlog mail was back over 600 again tonight. Rhonda spent some time talking to me Friday about my budget, about all of the stuff I am trying to do, and about how much happier I seem to be lately. I tried to explain I don't feel any different. I told her about having a reasonably nice conversation with your Mother on Wednesday night, when I picked Rob up for Young Men's. I told her how Rob had asked to go on a double date to Anastasia on ice for his birthday, and how I didn't react, was simply understanding, when your Mom told me there is no way she would go with me. Rhonda sent me a nice e-mail, which I think is worth including in a Thoughtlet about smiling, for I think it captures the humor of one father. It is a story by an unknown author called A Father's Will.
Friday evening Rob and I went to see the movie Pleasentville. The boy in the movie summarized my feelings, when he was talking to his Dad in the court room about how he must feel like something has been cut out of him, something is missing, after the Mom left. There is still a big gapping hole in my life. As I said to your Grandma Jackson, `It is as if someone reached down inside my chest, grabbed my heart, pulled it out while it was beating, threw it on the floor, and stomped on it.' As we left the movie theater, Rob acknowledged how uncomfortable he felt sitting next to me in that movie. I smiled to myself, because I understand how this movie was a little close to home in several of it's themes. I recall walking out of a similar movie at Memorial City Mall about three years ago, and walking the ten miles back to the house in anger and absolute disgust. Paul, based on your advice I not go see Titanic because of the painting scene, I expect you would find this movie quite unacceptable. There might be value to you kids seeing Pleasentville if it opens a conversation about things that you need to talk through in order to help you each heal with your own `sacred woundings' (a phrase Dr. White used at PAIRS).
Saturday Rob and I went on a Philmont prehike. I spent most of the time talking to Doug Hastings about IDEF, immersive environments, the new house I hope to build this next spring, and how this project could lead to a fundamental change to his business. I had a great time. Rob said he only went because I enjoy it and he wanted to please me. Even though he didn't talk with the guys much, I think he had a good time, and I was glad we went. He had a Haloween Party Saturday evening, and I went downtown to the Alley Theater and saw the new musical `The Civil War.' It was not particularly fun to go alone, and even though I enjoyed the musical a lot, it focused my mind on the fact I am interested in having a travelling companion to share experiences like this with (.../1998/9828.html). There are a couple of very touching scenes: where a slave is singing and you hear a whip crack and see the singer jerks her body; and where a group of freed slaves sing gospel style. I was struck by the contrast between the message and the mostly white audience. The musical presented an upbeat and touching message about the emotions tied to the Civil War, in a way that left a smile on my face as I went out to the car and drove back to Katy.
There was a nice e-mail message from Andrea Shirts Nielson from Cedar City (.../1998/9843). She attached the following story to her e-mail, titled Heaven and Hell, which one of her brothers had sent to her:
I hope this story brings a smile to your face, like it did mine. Today in Sunday School, Jane Moreless came and said, `Is anyone sitting next to you. ... Of course not. May I sit here.' I responded `Sure.' She then said, `Did you go out again this weekend?' I told her I went to the movie with Rob Friday and to the musical alone Saturday. She said, `Good, you need to get out. You have seemed so much happier recently.' I smiled and said to myself, `There are enough independent sources, I am going to have to believe there is a difference.' When Rob and I got back to the house, he ended up cooking an early dinner to break our fast: shake `n bake chicken drumb sticks, french fries, corn on the cob, and rice-a-roni. Then we played a game of Monoploy. I barely beat him, and he was really into the game when we finished. It took so long to play the game, I still didn't go to Stake Choir practice because I wanted to write this Thoughtlet out tonight. Both Rob and I had a big smile on our faces as I drove him back.
So in conclusion, I guess what is going on inside, shows outside more than we realize. I also expect we can adjust the inside by getting the outside to smile more. So have a good week, and smile."