cc: file, Marti, Sara and Des, Diane Cluff, Tony Hafen, Darrell and Nancy Krueger, Eric and Annette Krueger, Eric and Renee Miner, Claude and Katherine Warner, Forest and Amy Warner, and Ivan and Chell Warner.
On the surface it seems a little thing to be embarrassed. However, as I think about times I have been embarrassed it was not a little thing at all.
I started playing the guitar in 5th grade, probably because my Mom was infatuated with Elvis Presley. I would go to my guitar lesson every week and play the notes while Eddy Carlocker fell asleep. He was a very nice little old man, and he taught me how to read the treble clef. By the time I was in the nineth grade I thought I was ready to graduate to the big time, and so Randy Shirts and I practiced and practiced to play in a ninth grade assembly in the old Cedar High School Auditorium. It seems like I have already written about this experience, but since I don't have the Thoughtlets set up so I can do key word searches yet I will chance repeating myself. We were to play `Sukiaki' and `Chim-Chim-Chiree.' I played the melody and Randy played the piano part on his accordian. I forgot my part. It was the first time we had ever played in front of a big audience, and certianly the first time to play before this many acquaintances. I was scared to death, had to go to the bathroom, and could not remember my own name. Randy had asked me to have my music out on the stage and in my pride I said no. We started twice and twice I stopped. Not knowing what to do I signaled the next act to go on and someone came across the stage in a skateboard, slipping off, and sending the skateboard across the stage where it almost hit Lance Whetton's new drum set. We played Chim-Chim-Chiree ok. However, I was totally embarrassed. Funny thing is, as I write about the experience I still am somewhat embarrassed.
A few years later, I got my first car. `The Red Apple.' It was a 1957 Red Chrysler New Yorker with a black roof. Mom and Dad bought me the car about the summer before my Junior year in High School. I remember it still had the new purchase licence in the back window and I had just put on the license plates when I got pulled over by the Cedar City police. The issue was it was probably between 12:30 and 1:30 in the morning and they saw me pull out of the Knell Motel parking lot on Main Street and head towards the farm. It was probably Labor Day Weekend, since I believe that was when the annual Southern Utah Livestock Show was. Marnie Sorenson was showing cattle at the show that year, we had gone to a movie, and had talked (and kissed) later than curfew. I was embarrassed. Probably was afraid of what would happen when Mom and Dad found out I was pulled over by the police that late at night. Probably feeling guilty. Definitly not excited about being caught, even though I had not done anything wrong.
Last Sunday my Home Teaching Companion Alan Peterson and I visited a home where one of the members of the family had just got out of several months of being in jail for theft. They were moving and were embarrassed to ask the church for help because of all the issues in their lives. They were embarrassed to go to church. They are lonely, want friends, and yet are staying away from where they can get support because of pride.
Melanie and Sara called me in Austin at 1:30 Monday night. They were embarrassed. Brother Grua had stopped by the house, at my request, to make sure everything was OK since I was in Austin for two nights. There was a party going on. At the minimum there was beer in my house and underage kids drinking. Melanie said she would ask everyone to leave. They moved the cars down the culdesac. Later in the evening the police came and everyone who was there to party did leave the house. Melanie and Sara both were embarrassed. Melanie said it was the worst night of her life. She said she learned her lesson and would never allow anything like this to happen again. I was also embarrassed. However, thanks to PAIRS training, I reacted much better than I have in the past. `Oh Well!' It wasn't my choice, I asked them to not have anyone at the house while I was out of town, and they learned a little about consequences. The next morning as I read my scriptures the words jumped at me: `you have feared man and have not relied on me for strength as you ought.' (D&C 30:1)
Today I substituted in Sunday School for Chris Schmidt who is on vacation. The class included Shannon Conners, Wendy Flanagan, Amanda Jones, Charlotte Jurnak, Meagan Peterson, Daniel Weber, Brandon Camp, Ben Daniels, etc. The topic was D&C 93-96, talking about `learning line up line,' `light and truth,' and `setting our own houses in order.' Due to being divorce I was embarrassed to teach the class. However, I did, and I was deeply touched as I read from D&C 95:1 (`Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you whom I love, and whom I love I also chasten that their sins may be forgiven, for with the chastisement I prepare a way for their deliverance in all things out of temptation, and I have loved you-'). It is amazing the comfort on the other side of pride.
In some sense I have felt some embarrassement about some of the things I have admitted in these Thoughtlets. I have always believe in being open, and as I strive to write openly about thoughts I hope will be of use to you, it has sometimes felt challenging to know what is useful and what is dirty laundary. Hopefully I don't err too often. Both Mom and Grandma were embarrased about my descriptions of my suits on my mission. I'm sorry, I had no idea this would be embarrassing. Sara, my sister, put a whole new twist on my Thoughtlets effort for me in an e-mail she sent this week. She said `I think the thoughtlets are good for you.' My motivation was and is not for me. However, I think she is right on track, and I guess if it is good for me this is another reason to continue to make the effort.
It hurts me for any of you to be in pain. It hurts me to see any of you do anything which will create pain for you at some time in the future. It hurts to be chastened. It is embarrassing. However, I am a better person for the changes which have come into my life. I am striving to let each of you experience the consequences of your choices and to not be embarrassed for you. Rather I am striving to let you experience the range of emotions accompanying your choices all on your own. My hope and prayer is the emotions you experience are tilted towards happiness and joy."