Responselet 9648a
Date: Mon, 25 Nov 1996 13:04:20 -0800
Thanks again for your kindness. I've struggled long over the following commentary, not wanting to sound preachy or condescending. I want to share some of the things I feel strongly about in relation to your predicament and laments. I hope you'll accept them in the good spirit of my intentions.
Lewis' ideas appear to be a common thread in human experience and writings.
I think it's normal to have highs and lows. Without the lows, the highs would be mundane, rather than sweet. Without the highs, the lows would not be as poigniant (sounds kinda yin-yang-ish doesn't it?). I can't help feeling things were meant to work this way.
I've read that Abraham Lincoln fought depression most of his life (he's not alone, the list is astonishingly long). He fought valiantly, and I think became noble for continuing in the face of feelings and events that at times must have been overwhelming. I can't say whether my peaks and valleys are any higher or lower than anyone else's, exactly because they are mine and not theirs (my limited perspective let's me believe that my suffering is worse than anyone elses).
But I'll tell ya this, I wouldn't want to trade miseries with anyone I know. I've never talked with anyone that didn't feel the same as they came to understand what they would be dealing with.
Then there is another matter here that I'd like to address. There are certain personality types (your's is one of them) that are given over to dwelling on the "bottom half" of the "undulation".
I share that, but know I must fight it with all I have. For if I give sway to the accompanying sense that "all is lost" because of my failures, and all the "blood and horror" (guilt, misery, and personal torment) that life can offer, I am defeated before I get out of bed (and one day may simply not get up at all). It is in the very resistance to those feelings that I become an "overcomer". Then, if I take direct action to fight them, THINGS WILL HAPPEN.
I believe that when the apostle Paul said "...for I have fought the good fight..." he was talking about far more than the obvious. I think he included that personal victory over one's own "demons". This victory is not in destroying them (for that is not possible), but in getting up one more time than they knock us down. You can prabably already see that this idea suggests that the very reason for our own personal "demons" is to help us grow.
I have recently come to believe that each of us has the opportunity to touch the lives of specific certain others (within and outside our immediate families). While our greatest work is within our homes (a work the never ends), there are effects in the world at large, just because I got up and went out into it this morning.
Anyway, there are those that will respond to my influence, or a word, or just my presence (with all that I stand for). That influence is my gift to them. I often give it unknowingly, but by my example and effort, by my leadership, my choices. And it is real. And if I elect not to play, their lives won't be as blessed.
I hope this doesn't all sound too airy-fairy or new age-y, because it isn't.
If you were to study the Warrior Class of all the great cultures, you would have a clearer view of what I mean, but express poorly. I'd suggest you start with the 2,000 stripling warriors and carefully read the description of their training and steadfastness. While we may not be able to honestly say we were "raised in the nuture of the Lord", what is there to prevent any one of us from taking up our "sword" at any time? What is there to keep any one of us from choosing our role as leaders and declaring personal war on the adversary (ya know it IS war whether we accept it or not) and all his effects, influences and rages? What would keep us from electing to raise ourselves up in "the nurture of the Lord"?
This war is not fought with swords and spears, but with kind words and deeds, teaching moments, the best attitude I can muster, AND BY SEEKING OUT EVERY GOOD THING WE CAN, BY ACKNOWLEDGING IT, AND SHARING IT.
I find it much more difficult to build on the successes I have than on the failures, but it is infinitely more rewarding.
You see, Roice, it's a choice, .......... your choice. It's the thing you've been avoiding for so long, fearing you may not measure up, may not be good enough for, or equal to, or as well prepared for as someone else, or that you just didn't count. And there is no one else that can touch the lives you can. I especially love the movie with James Stewart as Henry in "It's a Wonderful Life". He had so much to cope with, yet he was a keystone in a considerable circle of lives. It's the same for each of us, even though we each have our problems.
Although some disagree, I feel there is nothing wrong with being tough, if you are also loving. Preimminence in one's career is great, if advancing technology is your choice, but far more personally risky (and rewarding) is living every day like your last, and electing to be a contributor to the lives of everyone you come in contact with every day.
Well. That was pretty direct. I hope you find something worthwhile here.
God Bless,
Chuck