Welcome to "the engines of my love," a regular review
of why I love you, Martha Ellyn Sharp Nelson, and no
other woman.
I love you because you sat by me the first half of Stake Conference.
I was thoroughly suprised to see you come and talk to me in front of
all of those people, and especially since I expect a friend might see
see you and not approve. It felt so good to have my wife
on one side and my son on the other side of me. It felt so good to see
your leg crossed towards me the entire time you were sitting by me. It
felt so good to look at you and to sense your presence. I'm sure you
feel I read too much into body language, but time will tell if you are
as hard as you are trying to appear to be, or if you really do care
and just possibly still have a little love for me.
Yes, I was disapointed Sara refused to come. I do not understand
why my comment about how she will never be independent if she doesn't
learn to control her body resulted in such a strong reaction. Yes, I
was disappointed Rob went to the bathroom during President Jones' talk
and was asleep the rest of the time and that he wandered off the second
time. When he came back and sat down he said, `Dad, why don't you move
over. I can't see.' I responded, `Why don't you sit on the other side
of me?' He replied, `Why do you insist on keeping me away from Mom?'
I answered, `Why do you want to separate us?' He said `I just wanted
to lay my head on her lap?' I replied, `I thought you couldn't see.
You need to control your body.' He left and didn't come back.
The talks you missed had several good messages in them. The Stake
Young Women's President talked on gratitude. She stressed it is not
enough to feel gratitude, we must express it. If we are always giving
we feel bitter and unloved. If we are always taking we become a selfish
egotist. Children get in trouble when peers become the main source of
positive reinforcement. When people are belittled or ignored they become
unable to give. Men are particularly guilty of not noticing and commenting
to their children and spouses about what they are grateful for. Then Sister
Sorenson, the Mission President's wife talked about a receipe her Grandmother
gave her for rice pudding and wrote on it always make one to keep and one to
give away. Like Christianity and testimony there is no growth unless we
share it. Then President Sorenson talked about his Grandfather, a street
sweeper in Salt Lake City whose 12 grandsons and 4 of 8 granddaughters
served missions. Phillip Miller bore his testimony, specifically stating
the only safe course is to follow the Prophet, the Stake President, and
the Bishop. Elder Gardner was not as funny as last night. He did say he
was a little worried about President Jones because he rode in his Porshe
and it is awfully close to breaking the word of wisdom. Then he talked
about letting his son drive and get his new pickup stuck, helping him
get it unstuck only to have the kid back it into a fork lift, and having
the child look up after a chastisement and say `How come you let little
kids drive your pickup?' His talk was about the four hungers we all
have beyond basic physical needs:
- The need to be loved.
- The need to be appreciated.
- The need to be understood.
- The need to be trusted.
I know the gospel is true. I wish I lived it so those who mean the most
to me also know of it's truthfulness. I trust in my Redeemer and I believe
He will work everything out for all of our benefit, for I know he loves each
of us. I love our children and I am striving to do the best things for
them. I appreciate when you point out different choices I could make.
I was disappointed when neither you nor Rob decided to come back and
sit by me. My initial reaction was you must have been embarassed by
compromising on your view of divorce and realized someone may have seen you
sitting by me. Rob later told me you went to do some laundry. We talked
about this when you came over to the house and cut my hair. Thanks. I
found your comments about me not saying things when you have the sissors to
be very enlightening. The comments forceably reminded me of Dr. Whites
oft repeated statement that when we overreact it is because we have something
in our own childhood that is unhealed. I look forward to understanding
both sides of reactions we have had with each other the last few years. I
was certianly not trying to put your divorce decision off on your Dad.
However, I encourage you to calmly and reasonable evaluate your reactions
to my interactions with the kids. I feel there is often an overreaction on
your part, just like you feel and I acknowledge I have tended to overreact
to choices the kids make. I am doing better, even if there was a `power
struggle' in the conversation with Rob at Stake Conference. Is it possible
you have a childhood wounding which has not yet been healed in regards to
your Dad or your Mom not understanding some of your needs? If so I expect
I have been able to push fear buttons over and over without trying. I wish I
knew how to put my feelings and discernment into words. I could delete these,
but I anticipate a judgemental reaction to whatever I might write about my
feelings on today's experiences. So I am choosing to leave the words,
with the hope that someday you will find some truth in them, and knowing
that when you do you will realize how much I love you.
I'm interested in sharing why I love you. I know how important
the written word is to you, and if you ever feel neglected,
ignored, or unloved, and would like an up-to-date bound copy of
these lovelets or any subset of these lovelets for any purpose
you might have come to mind, please tell me or e-mail your request
to rnelson@walden3d.com with the request 'lovelet update.'
With all my love,
Roice