Stake Conference.

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Welcome to "the engines of my love," a regular review of why I love you, Martha Ellyn Sharp Nelson, and no other woman.

I love you because you sat by me the first half of Stake Conference. I was thoroughly suprised to see you come and talk to me in front of all of those people, and especially since I expect a friend might see see you and not approve. It felt so good to have my wife on one side and my son on the other side of me. It felt so good to see your leg crossed towards me the entire time you were sitting by me. It felt so good to look at you and to sense your presence. I'm sure you feel I read too much into body language, but time will tell if you are as hard as you are trying to appear to be, or if you really do care and just possibly still have a little love for me.

Yes, I was disapointed Sara refused to come. I do not understand why my comment about how she will never be independent if she doesn't learn to control her body resulted in such a strong reaction. Yes, I was disappointed Rob went to the bathroom during President Jones' talk and was asleep the rest of the time and that he wandered off the second time. When he came back and sat down he said, `Dad, why don't you move over. I can't see.' I responded, `Why don't you sit on the other side of me?' He replied, `Why do you insist on keeping me away from Mom?' I answered, `Why do you want to separate us?' He said `I just wanted to lay my head on her lap?' I replied, `I thought you couldn't see. You need to control your body.' He left and didn't come back.

The talks you missed had several good messages in them. The Stake Young Women's President talked on gratitude. She stressed it is not enough to feel gratitude, we must express it. If we are always giving we feel bitter and unloved. If we are always taking we become a selfish egotist. Children get in trouble when peers become the main source of positive reinforcement. When people are belittled or ignored they become unable to give. Men are particularly guilty of not noticing and commenting to their children and spouses about what they are grateful for. Then Sister Sorenson, the Mission President's wife talked about a receipe her Grandmother gave her for rice pudding and wrote on it always make one to keep and one to give away. Like Christianity and testimony there is no growth unless we share it. Then President Sorenson talked about his Grandfather, a street sweeper in Salt Lake City whose 12 grandsons and 4 of 8 granddaughters served missions. Phillip Miller bore his testimony, specifically stating the only safe course is to follow the Prophet, the Stake President, and the Bishop. Elder Gardner was not as funny as last night. He did say he was a little worried about President Jones because he rode in his Porshe and it is awfully close to breaking the word of wisdom. Then he talked about letting his son drive and get his new pickup stuck, helping him get it unstuck only to have the kid back it into a fork lift, and having the child look up after a chastisement and say `How come you let little kids drive your pickup?' His talk was about the four hungers we all have beyond basic physical needs:
I know the gospel is true. I wish I lived it so those who mean the most to me also know of it's truthfulness. I trust in my Redeemer and I believe He will work everything out for all of our benefit, for I know he loves each of us. I love our children and I am striving to do the best things for them. I appreciate when you point out different choices I could make.

I was disappointed when neither you nor Rob decided to come back and sit by me. My initial reaction was you must have been embarassed by compromising on your view of divorce and realized someone may have seen you sitting by me. Rob later told me you went to do some laundry. We talked about this when you came over to the house and cut my hair. Thanks. I found your comments about me not saying things when you have the sissors to be very enlightening. The comments forceably reminded me of Dr. Whites oft repeated statement that when we overreact it is because we have something in our own childhood that is unhealed. I look forward to understanding both sides of reactions we have had with each other the last few years. I was certianly not trying to put your divorce decision off on your Dad. However, I encourage you to calmly and reasonable evaluate your reactions to my interactions with the kids. I feel there is often an overreaction on your part, just like you feel and I acknowledge I have tended to overreact to choices the kids make. I am doing better, even if there was a `power struggle' in the conversation with Rob at Stake Conference. Is it possible you have a childhood wounding which has not yet been healed in regards to your Dad or your Mom not understanding some of your needs? If so I expect I have been able to push fear buttons over and over without trying. I wish I knew how to put my feelings and discernment into words. I could delete these, but I anticipate a judgemental reaction to whatever I might write about my feelings on today's experiences. So I am choosing to leave the words, with the hope that someday you will find some truth in them, and knowing that when you do you will realize how much I love you.

I'm interested in sharing why I love you. I know how important the written word is to you, and if you ever feel neglected, ignored, or unloved, and would like an up-to-date bound copy of these lovelets or any subset of these lovelets for any purpose you might have come to mind, please tell me or e-mail your request to rnelson@walden3d.com with the request 'lovelet update.'

With all my love,
Roice

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Copyright © 1997 H. Roice Nelson, Jr.