Responselet 9738b
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 1997 23:14:12 -0600
Dear Roice,
Our computer was out of e-mail commission for a week so I just read the last thoughtlet. I'm sorry your friend got in trouble again. Having watched Mother's self-destructive behavior for years I find it difficult to see people like this changing their behavior. It's as though they have so little grasp of reality that they think none of the rules apply to them.
Her latest is she needs a flashlight so she can go for walks while she is at Porter's. Another recent "need" is a fence around the house in Cedar for when she goes home. Last Thursday it was an urgent need to go to the circus in Salt Lake. (Let's remember that it takes two people to get her in and out of bed and she can hardly get from the wheelchair to my car and is exhausted after being out for three hours.) Tonight's demand was that she has to look at two houses in Santa Clara so she can decide which one to buy so she can move out of Porter's.
I see this behavior as addictive self-destruction because blaming everyone else rather than accepting personal responsibility avoids the need to change, the need to make an effort, and the need to get herself under control. I guess it's just more fun blaming Daddy for all her problems and trying to control everyone but herself. It is so sad, but I don't have the ability to help her change. All I can do is try to protect her from herself by having her taken care of and giving her outings.
Anyway, please don't put all your resources into helping these people who will disappoint you. Maybe they really can't help themselves, but I don't want to see you hurt any more. There is also a very real danger of harm to yourself or anyone else in the house. Brian thinks I'm paranoid and I probably am after years of having to sense trouble and trying to avoid it, but addiction really scares me and I don't want you hurt. I realize that this seems like writing off whole groups of people who are in a mess and it's probably my own insecurity that makes me want to avoid these issues. But at least exercise caution and be careful about who you invite into your home, especially when the children are with you.
We'll look forward to seeing you in October.
Love,
Sara
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 1997 21:44:29 -0500
Sara,
Thanks for the note. I appreciate the words and the concern. I am striving to make wise choices, as I will strive to say in my next Thoughtlet, which I didn't get written last night. I have not posted most of your mail because I anticipated it would embarrass Mom. I do not know when the kids will go back and reread this stuff, and yet I am certian they will, and I would like to include your commets as part of the message. I realize there is the downside of other people reading this, starting with cousins and expanding out as someone points someone else to these pages. So I would like specific permission to post your last e-mail.
In terms of a visit, I will be there Friday night, unless I call you and tell you otherwise. EGI has some stuff they want me to do to get ready for Rick Zimmerman's visit in the middle of October. Plan to stay with you Friday night, with Grandma on Saturday night, and to fly back to Houston Monday morning.
Love,
Roice
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 1997 21:27:10 -0600
Dear Roice,
I reread my note and I guess it is alright to use it because it still strikes me as the truth after thinking about it. Since the cousins already realize what we're dealing with, I don't think it will be a big surprise to them. I sent you a letter today about last Saturday's visit in St. George and I've sent Mother a letter telling her to sit up a few hours a day and move more or I won't be able to take her in my car again. I can't be begging strangers to help me get her in the car like I had to on Saturday while she screams at me, "God damn it, don't be so understanding."
The high school homecoming is Friday. It will be fun because Bridget is in the thick of it. If you get here the parade is 3:30, cross country track meet at 4:30, senior spaghetti dinner at the school from 5 to 7 p.m. We have a family ticket and you'd get a kick out of seeing people and the school all decorated. It's a big community thing. Then there's the game at 7:30 p.m. We can go yell and it's socially acceptable. Maybe that diverted aggression is the reason sports are so popular. You can't scream at a concert.
Brian doesn't want to go to the game so he'll be home if you get here later and don't want to come up to the high school. We'll be home by 9:30 or I don't need to go to the game if you need me home before then.
We'll look forward to seeing you on Friday.
Love,
Sara