Responselet 96.41a
Date: Tue, 08 Oct 1996 15:18:22 -0700
In reading your musings, I'm drawn to consider my own issues along the
same vein. I hope that these thoughts will add, rather than detract, and as
always, should be jettisoned without further thought if not of some use.
I've been accused many times of being "judgemental" or "unfair", when I
felt I was accurately (if also too factually, even critically) giving a name to
someone's behavior.
I was troubled by the "judge not lest ye be judged....." tone others applied to
my expressions.
The source of my discontent in this regard is the apparent disparity between
the above comment and teachings we all heard from childhood like: "choose
your friends carefully", or "you shouldn't spend time with THEM, they're
trouble", and so on. Clearly, in the above context,these are judgemental
statements and applying the advise requires me to make judgements.
This dicotomy between being "judgemental" and using "judgement"
(preferrably good judegement) is apparently less understood than I ever
imagined.
I now believe that what people were saying was that I was too critical, and
mis-applied a scripture in an attempt to illustrate the importance of avoiding
criticism (manipulation by guilt).
The paraphrased results of my research (I'm on my lunch hour and without
my notes):
- We are commanded to excercise sound judgement following correct
principles ("...it is given them for they are agents unto themselves..")
We MUST each decide things for ourselves, and MUST make choices
in order to survive, live, and function in this life. These things require
evaluations, descisions, and actions...... all of which point to "using good
judgement" and acting on it.
- People may mis-label criticism as "being judgemental". Perhaps it is
the exercise of judgement NOT following correct principles that is the
root of criticism).
- "Judgement" as used in the above paraphrase is not the same as the
currently popular subject colloquial phrase. In this context, it is my
understanding that "judgement" refers to a specific condemnation, or
"sentence passing". If followed by action to support such would surely
lead to some wrongdoing.
- When words of criticism also touch too close to home, listeners
recognising the same (or similar) behavior in themselves will often rise in
defense of the "target", when in fact, they really are defending
themselves.
- When criticism is not perceived as "too much like me", behavior such
that described in #4 above rarely occurs. Rather, more often a "Yeah,
that bum always...!" response occurs.
- Bishops are our common judges in Israel. They have specific
responsability to assign culpability and recompense when members in
their stewardship bring a claim before them. The rest of us have no
such burden.
- In truth people shouldn't criticize any more than they should judge
(biblical sense). They should always, however, exercise sound
judgement.
The resulting acknolwedgements that apply to Chuck?
- I have far too often been critical of others.
- There is never cause to be so.
- As I come to love myself more, I will likely criticise others less.
- If I focus on assisting others to have any joy they can find in this life, I
will be more likely to share in that joy, whatever it may be.
- Any criticism is an error deserving of immediate repentance...but it is
wrong, Wrong, WRONG! when used to control or manipulate others.
RUN from it, FLEE for all you're worth! ALWAYS RESPECT
ANOTHER'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE....even when I can't respect the
choice itself. They, like me, are the only ones that can benefit or suffer
the results of their choices. I may suffer with them (out of empathy, and
because I love them) but never FOR them. Respect for that fundamental
right is paramount to my growth. Anything less is inconsistent with the
whole plan of salvaltion.
- It is NOT wrong to able to see the possible results of someone's choice
before they make it, but it IS very wrong to try to drive them to my idea
of the "right" choice, and it IS wrong to criticize them for their "wrong"
choice (even if they really are making a wrong choice!).
- Other's behavior does not define me, (no matter what the neighbors may
say) I define me by my behavior, my choices, righteous or unrighteous.
The obvious corollary to this is that my children's success or failure does
not define me either (ESPECIALLY if anyone else thinks so!)
guess the heart of the matter for me is to remember to include myself
when I sing "As I Have Loved You, Love One Another". With that, if I also
exercise the correct principle to "keep all criticisms to myself and remain
thankful for every challenge, irritation, and failure the day long....as these
are the seeds of immortality".....
May God encourage you in this writing you do. It has struck a chord in me,
so it must have also touched others, if they have the heart to listen.
I pray you will always see my comments as expressions of my thoughts,
opinions and beliefs, and based in a sincere desire to understand and be
understood, not as retorts or attempts at correction.
:-]
Chuck Cluff
08 October 1996 18:34:45 -0500
Chuck,
Thanks for the comments. Right on. May I post them as part of
a dialog for others in the family to respond to and to refer to?
Best Regards,
Roice
Thu, 10 Oct 1996 12:46:49 -0700
Sure. You're welcome to post anything I contribute that does not ask for
privacy (can't believe I'm saying THAT).
In the words of Bill and Ted, "Be EXCELLENT to each other!"
From: Chuck Cluff