"
Like the previous week, this was a week culminating with joy. This was the week of Bobbie Sophia Waldron's baby blessing. However, unlike the previous week and my last trip to China for Geokinetics, this was also a week of insecurity and of personal trial for me, a time of unintended consequences from independent decisions (0728.html), and a time of questioning everything I've been doing on several fronts. Surely some of you will think I wrote write more than I should about all of this. Maybe so, and you might tell me again after you think about it for 10 years. At least the first and last parts of this Thoughlet are about the great part of the week. Sometime, I think it was the first part of this week, we received another absolutely gorgeous photograph of Sophie, and the small insert, scanned and shown to the right, inviting us to a luncheon to celebrate Sophie's baby blessing on Sunday. First class. The baby foot prints on the invitation and the photograph were a key component of the classiest baby announcement I recall ever seeing. Congratulations Joshua. Great work and I'm sure each of these photographic captures in Sophie's portfolio will create great memories.
As mentioned in the previous thoughtlet (0727.html), I was recovering from the China trip, had written a couple of songs about Ella and Grant, which I like, and had participated with Andrea in the high of being the only Grandparents at Dallin Spencer Nelson's baby blessing. Needless to say, I slept on the plane on the way back to Houston, and as I recall was back to the house by about 11:00 PM on Sunday night. Also, as mentioned, Andrea stayed in St. Louis to help Kate until Thursday. Turns out 1307 Emerald Green is a big house to come back to alone. It also seems to be a tendency for me to come off of an emotional high by diving into an emotional low. This week was one of those emotional lows I seem to have too regularly. Oh well! I've wondered if someone could take 9 (+15) years worth of Thoughtlets, come up with an automated filter based on words used, and derive a biorhythm type of chart which would allow prediction of my emotional state of being when projected forward. Just an idea for Sophie's science fair project in 15 years.
There was a card on Monday from Jose Tamayo at Geokinetics. It is designed to help the reader think more about safety, and it read:
Tuesday evening I went to the temple, since I had not had a chance to do this earlier in June because of travel. Andrea had gone to the temple when Sarah Salt was sealed. I drove to work, and drove George with me to the temple. He and Beckie work at the temple on Tuesday evenings, and she drove up to meet George there, and provide a car for after their service. George wanted me to stay after the session and do washings and anointings. I didn't. Guess this shows where my mind was heading. I did drive straight to the Chinese family I Home Teach, to see if they were home, and if I could visit them for the month. The girl, who is about 12 years old, peaked through the window and hollered to her Mom, "It's the Church Guy." I did get a positive kick out of this comment. Dong was too busy to visit very long, and she seemed glad to have me checking on her.
Wednesday John Denham taught me about sftp, instead of just ftp, for transferring files to China. However, it didn't work, and I ended up using ftp like I usually do. There was nothing for me to do, and I was rapidly slipping downhill on a muddy slope. Christian Singfield came and had lunch with me. It has been quite a while since we caught up on how his project is going. This is the report I ended up sending family investors, based on the lunch:
You would think this lunch and news would have pulled me out of my funk. It didn't. As I recall, a lot of my feelings were tied up with waiting for something worthwhile to do at Geokinetics. I do not seem to feel validated as an individual if I am not contributing. And I'm always looking for acceptance. It is easy for me to start thinking "poor me" thoughts, and wondering if I'm trapped in some kind of a family-of-origin black hole, from which there is no escape. There certainly is a family history of being taken advantage of by others. Even though I'm the one not performing to my satisfaction for Geokinetics, at the same time, it seems like I am the one being taken advantage of. The stuff regarding not being paid for GDC's use of my Landmark license, and their purchase of an SMT license, provided one basis for the emotional low I was feeling. I recall thinking about all of the family stories of being taken advantage of this week. I remember how good friends Mom was with Sam Holland, and how his friends, when he immigrated to Israel, said Mom must be his mistress, because of his feelings for her. As I recall, Sam Holland was much older than Mom. I'm sure there was no sexual relationship there. And I'm equally sure there was deep friendship, and the love of a friend or like for a sibling. Still I recall being told how he bragged to Dad about filling out fake sales receipts for years, and making lots and lots of money by buying hides and tallow at a low price from Dad and selling high them for a high price. Still Mom loved Sam, and talked about him years after her stroke. Is this any different from my love for and friendship with Bill Rollwittz, who caused the HyperMedia debacle by overspending and under selling? I recall when Bill joined the church, and I was assigned to be his Home Teacher. I recall watching him blossom, and being called as a Stake High Councilor and Stake Temple Representative. I recall sending him to Saudi Arabia, and learning he started smoking again when he was on this trip. I recall the hurt in seeing some of the choices my friend made at HyperMedia, and then I recall the disaster of Landmark stock going from $24 per share to $8 per share, my shares no longer being sufficient collateral for the loans at the bank, and having the bank call the note. Was I treating Bill Rollwitz like my Mom and Dad treated their friend Sam Holland? I decided it would be worthwhile to put together a chart to illustrate the family-of-origin tendency to be taken advantage of. Some of the earlier numbers may be way off, and yet they provide a starting point, if sometime there is someone who wants to do some research on the actual numbers:
Loser | Context |
Family |
Estimated |
| Grandpa, Paul Adolph Hafen | Grandpa's Father, Adolph Hafen, owned the land a fruit stand was located at on Las Vegas Strip. |
$10,000,000. | $200,000. |
| Grandpa, Roice Bengt Nelson | Electrocuted at age 56 in a farm accident. | $2,000,000. | $100,000. |
| Uncle, Glenn Hafen | Grandma Hafen sold Calf Springs Ranch to cover gambling debts. | $500,000. | $250,000. |
| Grandma, Helen Hafen | Temple President Atkin, dressed in white suit in the temple, talked Grandma into selling him her Santa Clara farm for a significant discount. |
$10,000,000. | $500,000. |
| Dad, Howard R. Nelson | Lost airplane when hanger collapsed on from large snow storm. | $300,000. | $25,000. |
| Dad, Howard R. Nelson | Sam Holland forged sales receipts of hides and tallow. One issue is new hydrocarbon lubricants replaced tallow as lubricant for bullets during World War II. |
$2,000,000. | $400,000. |
| Dad, Howard R. Nelson | Albert Smith forged sales receipts of cattle purchased. | $500,000. | $250,000. |
| Dad, Howard R. Nelson | Glenn Hafen went bankrupt and did not pay for hay crop and cattle. | $50,000. | $20,000. |
| Dad, Howard R. Nelson | Betting on dropping ball in slot at State Fair. | $1,000. | $250. |
| Dad, Howard R. Nelson | Weekly gambling club. | $100,000. | $5,000. |
| me, H. Roice Nelson, Jr. | High-Low game on school bus returning from Milford KeyNotes performance. | $50. | $10. |
| me, H. Roice Nelson, Jr. | Consecration experiment with Elder Nielson second year of LDS mission in England. | $5,000. | $500. |
| me, H. Roice Nelson, Jr. | Shutting down and cleaning up Computer Genealogical Services, with only one sale. | $10,000. | $5,000. |
| me, H. Roice Nelson, Jr. | Investment in Glenn Hafen's cattle. | $25,000. | $7,500. |
| me, H. Roice Nelson, Jr. | Transfering ownership to Chuck Edwards in China Cattle Corporation. | $50,000. | $10,000. |
| me, H. Roice Nelson, Jr. | 25,000 shares of Landmark bonus stock given to Gene Ennis from my share. | $500,000. | $200,000. |
| me, H. Roice Nelson, Jr. | HyperMedia Corporation's almost bankruptcy, when bank called loans guaranteed with Landmark stock, which dropped from $24/share to $8/share. |
$2,000,000. | $2,000,000. |
| me, H. Roice Nelson, Jr. | Landmark license contractual useage by Continuum Resources. | $50,000. | $50,000. |
| me, H. Roice Nelson, Jr. | Interpretation services for Emerald Energy's Marginal Field Operators. | $50,000. | $50,000. |
| me, H. Roice Nelson, Jr. | Verbally committed Landmark license usage by Geokinetics. | $150,000. | $138,000. |
| me, H. Roice Nelson, Jr. | The current project, and although more upfront than some of the above analogs, thankfully it is struggling with execution and could be quite different than this.* |
$3,999,909. | $3,500,000. |
Family of Origin and me | TOTAL LOSSES: |
$32,290,959. | $7,711,260. |
As accurate as I have attempted to make this table, it does not include having half of my assets disappear after 23 years of marriage to Marti. I love Marti. Loosing a grand piano or a harp and someone to play them and bring them to life, or having to mortgage a paid off house, in order to cover taxes and court ordered obligations did not change my love. The divorce changed the sexual relationship, and yet I expect it could be argued it didn't even do this. I recall how often church leaders have said the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. I know I did my best to fulfill this call. And yet I became the parent. I became my mother. And as much as I worked at loving and at attempting to understand and at forgiving and at attempting to get past years of threated divorce, I did not provide love in a way which was meaningful to Marti. And the perception became we were making each other miserable. The reality is we made ourselves miserable. Like being offended, misery is our own personal choice (../0651.html, 0706.html, and 0711.html). And maybe someday my willingness to write these words and put them out there for those I care the most about to pick apart and criticize will eventually help some of us get over the estrangement and the anger and the hurt that seems to continue to dominate too many interactions. Certainly my decision to remarry changed the relationship with Marti, as much or more than Marti's decision to divorce me. And it is wonderful to have a complete and healthy and loving relationship with Andrea, even though I still get depressed about my failures.
I have spent almost 40 years contemplating President McKay's statement that "No success in life compensates for failure in the home." Originally because of my parents marital problems. Then because of my own. It is probably a cop out, and yet my friend David Devor's response to my bringing this contemplation up in an e-mail conversation with him back in about 1992, seems relevant. He wrote, "define failure." As I look at my 10 kids, despite bidirectional differences in opinions regarding life choices between me and some of you, none of you are a failure. You are each competent, contributing adults, each of whom are making a positive difference in your various spheres of influence. Andrea is always saying to me, it is not over until it is over. And some of the stuff I let get me down, like money and the hurt feelings tied up in the above chart, really do not matter. These events are simply a temporary elephant in the room, an elephant which needs to be acknowledged, which I'm doing by writing these words, and then ignored, worked around, and forgotten. What does it matter if Jude Amafuel pays me $50,000. or not? Or if Geokinetics pays me $138,000. for use of my Landmark license or not? The impact of my life, on your life, on my Grandkids lives, on the lives of the kids in my Primary Class, on the lives of those who read An Open Mind, or on others who are touched by my openness and sincerity and life example is worth more now and in the eternities than millions and millions and millions of dollars. And as I write this, several weeks after being in the emotional funk, I have a perspective which will hopefully help me keep from slipping back into depression about my my inadequacies regarding competing in business and with money. I will remain an optimist!
Rob and his friend came over Thursday evening and picked up the keys for the Saturn so Rob could go to Intercontinental airport and pick up Andrea Thursday morning. Maybe his coming by the house and his willingness to do this for me is what pulled me out of my emotional funk.
On Thursday morning, at 5:40 AM, I sent the following e-mail to Ethan:
I received the following e-mail from Ethan later in the day:
Thursday morning I got a call from Andrea. Rob had picked her up, in Marti's car. He had lost the key to the Saturn between parking the car and going to sleep. Rob and Andrea came by the office to pick up my key to the house, so Andrea could get into the house. In the afternoon I took a teleconference call from SPADAC for Mike Dunn, who was in Mexico. It was an interesting call. I was able to point out in a nice way they never called me back when I expressed an interest in working with them, and they never did anything with the data GDC provided them about a year ago. There has not been any communication from or to them since, and so I must assume this potential future path is dead.
Thursday evening I finished converting up through page 206 in An Open Mind, and bound it for Melanie. I also made a copy for Greg Link, which I carried it to Salt Lake, to Calgary, and back to Houston. I never did hear from Greg, just as Roice Krueger predicted. There was also a copy made for me to keep at the house. I did the rebinding at the Dairy Ashford Kinko's, because I thought Mason Road was closed. However, one of the guys from the Mason Road Kinko's was at the Dairy Ashford Kinko's to pick up supplies, and we talked for a while. They actually don't close until 11:00 PM. I told him I was getting some stuff bound to take to Salt Lake with me. He proceeded to tell me about his only visit to Salt Lake, and about learning the Mormon Church largest owner of Coke-a-Cola. I told him I think this is an urban legend. It was a fun conversation.
Friday morning Jared came by just before lunch. I introduced him to Fred, mentioning he lives in Vidor. Jared said the reaction was the same he gets everywhere. Fred said he would stop and have bar-b-que someday. Jared brought a computer for me to take to Melanie's friend's parents, Nancy and John Ray. I think it was Jared's first time at my office, and we had a nice discussion. He seems very pleased with his experience in the pre-dental schooling program. It was a slow day. When I got home there was an e-mail from John Gillooley. I answered it, including a statement about how if my salary is too high, the company should cut my salary or fire me. This came up in conversation when we got back from Calgary (0727.html), and John assured me he let this type of angry outburst from a friend roll off of his back and it was forgotten. Friday evening Delta sent a note encouraging us to check-in on-line and to print our e-tickets. I thought this was well done. Andrea and I took the computer to the Rays, then we went to Westchester and Dairy Ashford, the intersection close to where the Kessler's used to live, and found a bar called "The First Tee." It was bad. Smoke. Small. Crowded. Unhappy people looking for something they will never find in a bar. I felt so sorry for these folks. Maybe this is what pulled me out of my funk. Andrea and I were there at the invitation of Kathy Duncan to see Peter and Kathy's son Jeff. Kathy Hilterman showed up before the Duncans and we had a nice conversation. It was fun to see Peter and Kathy. The music was loud (we were right next to the microphones), and good. After a half-a-dozen songs we made excuses about smoke and allergies, and went to Cinemark to see "Oceans Thirteen." Not that great of a movie, and better than some.
Saturday morning there was an article in the Houston Chronicle on page F3 stating that the church has called it's 1 millionth missionary. Guess I was off a bit with my estimate of 650,000 missionaries a few weeks ago (0720.html). There were lawns to mow, packing to do, and a plane to catch to Salt Lake. Andrea started her fast at lunch, and did not eat anything on the plane. I ate the snack. When we arrived in Salt Lake, while we were still on the runway, we were invited to dinner with Joshua, Audrey, and Sophie. It was a wonderful evening, and only could have been better if Rachel had been with us. Sophie is beautiful, and seems perfect in every way. She is certainly a lot smaller than Dallin Spencer Nelson (0725.html). Wonderful meal. Nice conversations. Joshua purchased an i-phone earlier in the day, and it was fun to look at it and to play with it. Fun to hold Sophie and to watch Andrea hold her. We left about 9:00 and went to Rachel's apartment to visit her. I enjoyed the visit and thought it was very nice. I enjoyed showing Justin dancing with the snake for the second time that evening (see http://www.walden3d.com/photos/China/070612-21_Des_Justin_Beijing/mov09128.mpg). It was nice to see how excited Rachel is about the English in Japan program Andrea has introduced her to. The unintended consequences of the visit were completely unseen to me (0729.html). Rachel had reserved a nice hotel room for us close to her house. We probably got there about 11:30 Saturday night.
Sunday morning we were at Joshua and Audrey's house at 8:00 AM. We were so worried about being on time, we didn't notice Andrea had put her clothes and my pajamas in a drawer at the hotel. She ended up having to buy clothes when we got to Calgary. However, we got the clothes back when we got back to Salt Lake on Saturday (0727.html). Joshua was fixing sausages and potatoes, there were tables to put out and cover, chairs to set up, baby photos to take (as shown to the left), and so we were all busy until it was time to go to church at 9:00. Eric, Andrea's previous husband, and his wife Margaret came. Joshua is one of 10, and I think all of his siblings, his parents, as well as Uncles and Aunts were there. I got the impression a lot of the ward was on vacation, and we filled up the chapel for them. Bobbie Sophia Waldron's blessing was wonderful. Good spirit. Special testimonies. I wrote the following possible stanza for Prime Words based on Joshua's testimony:
It doesn't get any better than this. It would have been nice if Rachel could have joined us, and hopefully she will be able to at future events like this. We went back to the house, and partied for several hours. There were stories, and lots and lots and lots of really good food. Sophie was passed around, and was the perfect baby. She had slept all through the night for the first time. And she was so good with all of the people and googling going on. Joshua's Teacher Quorum and Audrey's Young Women cane. It was fun to get to know some of them. There is a fantastic piano player. There is a rock hound who is going to Utah State University in the fall. It was fun to watch folks play with Joshua's I-Phone. It was a wonderful afternoon. And the afternoon was over before we knew it. Soon it was time to put away the tables and the chairs, and head for the airport for our adventure in Calgary. And this part of our adventure was over, the part culminating with Bobbie Sophia Waldron's blessing."