Family Secrets
Dear Paul and Kate, Melanie and Jared, Bridget and Justin, Sara, Ben and Sarah, Heather, Audrey, Rachel, Matt via hardcopy, and Brian,
cc: file, Andrea, Tony Hafen, Sara and Des Penny, & Maxine Shirts
Welcome to "Thoughtlets." This is a weekly review of an idea,
belief, thought, or words that will hopefully be of some benefit
to you, my children, with an electronic copy to on-line extended
family members. Any of you can ask me not to clutter your mail
box at any time.
"Well, this is the last Thoughtlet in my marathon effort to
catch up. Have not done the Grandkidlet (0331.html) for
this week yet, and it will take Andrea a couple of days
to proof all of the words I've typed. Anyway, I'm going
to go for it and see if I can get caught up before I hit
the sack. There wasn't all that much happened this week,
and the main thing I want to write about is an article in
Sunday's Parade Magazine about `Family Secrets: We All
Have Them. Should We Tell?' by Dr. Joyce Brothers. It
isn't all that long, and I think the best thing is to
put the data out there for your review, if you did not
see the article in the paper last week.
<![CDATA[ `"Don't tell anyone. It's a secret." Probably every
human being on earth has heard-or said-those words at
one time or another. Keeping secrets is part of human
nature, but often we don't realize their far-reaching
power, particularly those secrets that are guarded
within the family.
In earlier times, secrecy was almost standard operating
procedure for families. That's because public knowledge
of an illicit affair, an illegitimate birth or a mental
breakdown could destroy lives. Today, society places
fewer prohibitions on behavior, and openness is actively
promoted. In fact, the compulsion to reveal secrets
seems to be at the heart of our culture. In our
"tell-all" society, secrets get blurted out with ease
on TV's Jerry Springer and Oprah, while celebrities and
politicians write memoirs that readers eagerly consume
in the hope that they'll learn something intimate and
surprising about the writer and his or her associates.
As a result, we may wonder if we too should reveal all
we know. Not necessarily. Some secrets are better
left unshared. Others can take over our lives if we
keep them to ourselves. Only one thing is certain:
Secrets should always be handled with care.
Toxic Secrets
Keeping a secret within a family can exact a toll by
generating anxiety and distorting relationships.
These poisonous secrets usually concern such issues
as abortion, adoption, abandonment, out-of-wedlock
birth, incest, past marriages, divorce, suicide,
alcohol or drug dependency and serious illness,
particularly mental illness.
When people who are close are not completely honest
with each other, certain avenues of intimacy are
invariably cut off. A woman I know was determined
to hide her breast-cancer surgery from her daughters
and never told them why she was hospitalized. The
secret had an effect years later: When the breast
cancer gene was discovered, she felt unable to talk
to them about it and was locked out of a maternal
role she wanted very much.
Toxic secrets can take over your life. If you're
keeping one, you've probably discovered that it
takes a lot of energy. That's because the more
we push something down, the more it bubbles to the
surface. Daniel M. Wegner, a research psychologist,
found that years later people thought most about
past relationships that had been secret at the time.
Hiding a secret requires constant vigilance. A
friend of mine did not tell her current in-laws
that she had been married previously, because of
their straitlaced attitudes about divorce.
Whenever she gets together with her husband's
family, she has to remind her own relatives to
keep mum.
My friend's secret is making her so anxious,
she's thinking about telling. If you're keeping
such a secret, you too may long to get it off
your chest. But before we reveal our deepest
secrets, we need to understand what hearing them
will mean for those we love.
To Tell Or Not To Tell
Some secrets actually strengthen the bond between
those who share them. Usually, these secrets
concern a personal vulnerability that needs to be
protected. For example, a husband may know the
reason for his wife's irrational fears; a father
may know that his son quit the football team
because he wanted to avoid an injury - not
because of parental wishes, as he told his
teammates. Keeping these secrets builds faith.
Revelation constitutes betrayal.
On the other hand, dangerous secrets - including
sex abuse, child abuse, domestic violence,
suicidal behavior, and the levels of drug and
alcohol abuse that could lead to overdose or
death - must be told. Help has to be secured,
and quickly, from the appropriate medical or
legal authorities.
But what about all those other family secrets -
the ones that require so much energy to conceal
yet seem to be too frightening to ever reveal?
If you're carrying such a secret, consider first
the possible damage in telling. There's a reason
so many people hold on to secrets - even when
they're tortured by them. Psychologists have
called it "the cruel paradox." That's because
keeping the secret may make you anxious, but
revealing it carries the risk of rejection. One
study found that half of a sample of longtime
clients kept secrets from their therapists -
the people they were paying to get relief from
the very same secrets!
Indeed, in telling a secret we enter the unknown:
We can never predict how it will turn out. I
know one woman whose alcoholic father is
eternally grateful that she consulted a
specialist about his problem. But I know another
woman whose alcoholic mother never forgave her
for doing the same thing.
If you're thinking of revealing a secret, ask
yourself these questions:
* Is the secret making me so anxious that it's
keeping me from functioning?
* Is the secret affecting my ability to feel
close to my family or to trust them?
* Who really "owns" the secret? For example,
if your sister confides that her husband has
been having an affair, you may be angry enough
to want everyone else in the family to know
about it, but, in truth, the secret belongs
to your sister.
* Do you have any negative motivations for
wanting to tell? In other words, do you want
to relieve your own guilt at someone else's
expense? Are you feeling judgmental about
the secret, or do you want the attention that
comes with telling?
Be honest. On talk shows, people exchange
revelations for applause. But even if you get
applause in real life (and you usually won't),
the "high" can be short-lived if you hurt
someone else gratuitously. You can never be
sure what you and others will experience when
a family secret comes out.']]>
I have spent a lot of time attempting to analyze
and understand why there is so much sneaking
that goes on in our family. I see trends in
my parents families of origin, and in other
family member's families of origin. I strongly
disagree of blaming sneaking and secrets on the
mistakes of our ancestors. We make enough
mistakes, we don't have a lot of room to judge.
I have been pretty tough when there is stuff
going on I don't agree with, and so I take
blame for folks hiding from my reactions.
I think I have been able to much, much better
since I took PAIRS, and there is no one who
can judge this better than you kids.
I'm not going to dwell on it anymore. I feel
the secrets we keep might be keeping us from
being the family we could be. I'm probably
too open, and maybe this is a direct reaction
to others who are too closed. The other side
of the same coin syndrome. I do see ongoing
issues, and since this is the ninth Thoughtlet
I've written this weekend, none of you know
which specific reactions and interactions have
renewed my concern in this area over the last
two plus months. However, you know if you are
keeping secrets. And if you are, please count
the costs, and make sure it is worth it. I do
encourage you to not keep secrets. I encourage
you to never divulge a confidence without
approval of the person who shared the confidence.
And there can be a pretty fine line between these
two options.
On Sunday, the 7th of August, Phillip Miller made
a very interesting observation in Gospel Doctrine
class. He talked about antithesis, and, referring
to 1st Corinthians, which we were reviewing,
pointed out that the opposite of the immorality
Paul was writing about is obedience, the opposite
of the wisdom of the world he wrote about is faith,
and the opposite of the contention he wrote
about is humility. It takes obedience, faith,
and humility to over come the pride and other
issues which surrounds family secrets.
After church we had a divorced lady and her two
children, whom Andrea Visit Teaches, for lunch.
The kids are gymnasts, and they took the little
trampoline out on the shelf and were doing some
fantastic rolling dives into the pool. The
girl is elite at age 11, and is going to have
to drop out of gym because of the divorce. Sad.
Monday I spent finishing up my seismic
interpretation (0336.html) of the Casey Ranch
Conglomerates. Sara came over and spent most
of the day cooking a wonderful dinner for the
missionaries. We were all impressed. It was
spicy, and I really liked everything. Thanks.
It might have beenbetter for me not to have known
what I will miss that the next two years.
Andrea made some really good banana bread.
On Tuesday Joe Roberts picked me up and we
drove up to Core Labs and had a nice meeting
with Rob Yorke. It looks like there is a
possibility Geo-China will be able to represent
Core Labs for services in China. Wednesday
morning early I called Wei He in New York, woke
him up, conferenced to Yan Jia Feng's cell
phone, and had a 50 minute phone call discussing
the Core Lab Service opportunity. I did not
go running Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday because
I was finishing getting Prospect Montages and
the seismic interpretation done for John Benard.
At 1:00 he called and said he was postponing
our meeting until the following Monday.
So I started working on organizing the digital
photos, and cleaning up all of the mess I have
made the last few weeks as I have focused on
this seismic interpretation. I spent all day
Thursday and Friday doing similar things. I
watched some of the 911 ceremonies at lunch
on Thursday. I cried. Sara sent her emergency
contact numbers for Benin. I will post them
on the addresses page (../addresses.html).
Friday evening the Bishop called and asked I
work with a lady out of work. Andrea and I
visited her, then we drove up to 290 and Jones
Road for the Taylor football game. We got
there just after the half. It was one of the
best football games I've ever been to. Taylor
was down 13 points when we arrived, and stayed
down 6 to 13 points until 40 seconds was left
on the clock. Then they made a goal and the
extra point, did an offside kick and recovered
the ball. With two seconds left they made
another goal, and then made the extra point to
win by one point. I think it was 37 to 36.
Matt was pumped when he got home.
I spent Saturday and today catching up Thoughtlets
and responding to delinquent e-mails. I wrote a
possible stanza for Prime Words during sacrament
meeting based on Jackie Heney's talk:
<![CDATA[ `Temptation: Sin, like a journey
Begins with the first step
The scriptures teaches us who we are
Giving strength so promises are kept']]>
This evening we had a stake `Celebration of Music.'
Katy 2nd sang `Beautiful Savior,' Memorial sang
`Oh, What Songs of the Heart,' Spring Branch sang
``Mid Pleasures and Palaces,' Bear Creak sang
`Battle Hymn of the Republic,' all of the stake
choirs sang `Make Us One' and `The Star Spangled
Banner,' and Nottingham Country sang `To Those Who
Came Before Me' by Sally DeFord. I love the words:
<![CDATA[ `To those who came before me in seasons long ago.
To those who are the loved ones that I have yet to know.
To those whose noble names I bear, whose light within me burns.
To them in gratitude shall my heart be turned.
To those of courage prepared the way for me.
Whose work became my heritage, Whose harvest I may reap.
Who left for me a legacy that I have yet to earn.
To them in gratitude shall my heart be turned.
To those who came before me in days and years long past.
To those who are the family that I shall know at last.
Who laid a sure foundation for the truth that I have learned.
To them in gratitude shall my heart be turned.']]>
These are words which cry out for all of us to turn from
our family secrets."
I'm interested in sharing weekly a "thoughtlet" (little statements
of big thoughts which mean a lot to me) with you because I know how
important the written word can be. I am concerned about how easy
it is to drift and forget our roots and our potential among all of
distractions of daily life. To download any of these thoughtlets
go to http://www.walden3d.com/thoughtlets or e-mail me at
rnelson@walden3d.com.
With all my love,
Dad
(H. Roice Nelson, Jr.)