cc: file, Tony Hafen, Pauline Nelson via mail, Sara and Des Penny, Lloyd and Luana Warner, Diane Cluff, Maxine Shirts, and Sherri Nelson.
"I have attempted to keep the Thoughtlets positive, and so I have been debating with myself all morning about my topic of choice this week. I have decided to stick with my initial selection, even though writing about being disappointed can come across as being negative, because disappointment is such a basic emotion. We have all been disappointed, and we will all be disappointed again. The concept behind what I wish to touch on this week is wonderfully presented by Lehi to Jacob, the younger brother of Nephi in II Nephi 2:8-16:
The hard part about disappointment, one of the bitter fruits of
life, is that it only occurs when we are deeply involved in or
with someone or something, and then something goes different
than we expect or want or know it should be. Sometimes our
disappointment, or the failure to meet our expectations, is
serious, and often it is not. However, as often as it is not
serious, it seems to lead to issues which are serious. And the
only way we recognize disappointment is by comparison with its
opposite, namely those times when we feel joy and pride and
fullfillment. For instance, Thursday I received a card from
Sara Ellyn, which said:
Thanks for the card Sara! And I start with this example, because
I anticipate presenting the positive can also ring in the negative,
i.e. disappointment. When my sister Sara called on on Saturday to
wish me a happy birthday, she mentioned Sarah and Melanie have both
sent cards and notes to Grandma Nelson, and how much she appreciates
them. I understand, and I encourage each of you to sit down and
write a letter to your Grandmother (Nelson or Shirts) on a regular
basis, at least every Fast Sunday. Rachel wrote me a lovely two
page letter, which I won't quote because of the personal nature of
her comments. She closed with `I love you and thank you. I hope
that this day and the rest of your birthdays are filled with even
more joy and happiness.' Thanks Rachel, more than I have words to
say, for being you and for the joy and happiness you have brought
to my life. And Audrey and Heather, thanks for calling and for
wishing me a happy birthday. For what it is worth, I do not
consider my birthday to be a very big deal, and yet it was nice
to be remembered.
So why did I pick this topic. Friday evening, I received the following e-mail from Trevor Wilson at Woodside Petroleum:
Disappointed is actually a mild word to describe my
feelings as I read these words. Based on the agreement
we had verbally made and basically shook hands on, the
contract to Dynamic would have provided enough cash to
fund the expenditures at 1307 Emerald Green each month
through at least May of 2002, and probably would have
provided enough cash to pay of the credit cards (For
instance, I'm still paying for plane tickets to see
Paul off on his mission and to ordain him a High Priest
and to stand in the circle when he was set apart to be
in the Bishopric). Oh well! Not much I can do when the
General Manager doesn't really have the authority to
implement the plans he has agreed to undertake.
I guess being disappointed has been a theme with my work this week. On Monday Dennis McMullin sent me an e-mail asking when we could get together for lunch. I wrote back `Today,' and so we met down at Macaroni Grill at 11:30. He want's to use the Knowledge Backbone(SM) to assist in indexing some data for a major oil company client for his company. The disappointment was that they have no money for consulting, and it will probably be February before I would see any cash out of working with them. Tuesday I got a wonderful call from Darion O'Brien at Western Gas Resources. He looked at the web site I created for Western Gas, and was blown away. To the degree he asked if he could have a job working for Dynamic. I told him he could if he brought the salary. I was disappointed in that he has to sell several people in his company on working with Dynamic, and it could take some time.
Tuesday evening our new neighbors down the street at 1507 Emerald Green, Tim and Lynette Stevens from my mission in England, called and asked if they could go to the temple with us, as they `aren't exactly sure where it is.' It was a wonderful experience. Andrea's Mom is here for her annual visit to the Houston Quilt Show, and she went with us. I sat on the third row of chairs in the endowment session. Sue Feil was up front and Steve Feil was one of the coordinators. On the first row was Bishop Camp, a new ward member from Columbia with spanish head phones, Andrea's Visiting Teaching Companion's husband, Hugo Moralles, and Jeff Jurinak. In front of me were Doug Talley, Ron Burgener, Bill Hagen, Gary Jones, and Tim Gebauer (one of our Home Teachers). Floyd Lunt, our other Home Teacher, was at 1307 Emerald Green with Brother Short packing all of the tree trunk and pieces off of our front lawn for future scout trips. On my row was Bill Harlan, Tim Stevens, Brent Peterson, and Mike Pickerd. Steve Saatkamp, who's wife Loni is Matt's math tutor, and others were sitting in back of us. It's only been 5 days, and I'm not positive on all of the names. The only thing that disappointed me about the evening was that I made a couple of comments to President Burgener as we were changing clothes that could have gone unsaid. Yet even in the lovely and wonderful and comforting environment of the temple it is possible to be disappointed.
Most of the time this week was spent building IG5 maps (Infiinite Grid maps with 7.5' Longitude and 3.75' Latitude grid cells) of the United States. I am disappointed in how long this project has taken. It might take all my spare time next week to finish it up. Wednesday at lunch I did take a break and go to lunch with Andrea and Grandma Shirts at Landry's Seafood Resturant. Kate called and faxed a paper associated with selling their Saturn, which Grandma Shirts witnessed my signature on.
Thursday morning Martha Kernohan from Bosie, Idaho and Andrew Hampf, both of Bosie Cascade, came to 1307 Emerald Green to talk about how Dynamic can help them find hydrocarbons on over 100,000 acreas of mineral acerage they own in Louisiana. Interesting meeting, and I was disappointed they have no cash to put into the project. Friday I left for Chroma at 7:00 AM with the PC computer Matt's games are on upstairs. I am definitely out of shape, and it showed by the time I made three trips carrying the computer, monitor, and other stuff to the second floor and got them all set up. We had good training on SpotFire. Dick Coons, Sam LeRoy, and several from Chroma were there. We are going to put together examples of the value of SpotFire in exchange for use of the software. It is very powerful, and the training went well. Dick, Sam, and I went to lunch afterwards. Then I met with Peter Duncan. He is changing right before my eyes with the success that has come to Chroma. Interesting. Disappointing too. I met with Chroma's Martin Estill and Martha and Andy from Bosie Cascade at Dave Agarwal's new office on the 4th floor above where HyperMedia had our offices from 4-5:30. It seems so hard to come to closure. Easy to be disappointed.
Friday was Rob's birthday. Rachel helped pick out some nice shirts for him. I tried to find his apartment on the way home. After going to two service stations, I ended up calling Andrea and having her look it up on MapQuest.com and give me directions to Westborough Drive. It was the first time I have been at the apartment, and neither Rob nor Marti were home. I left the present with a neighbor. I left there really disappointed. When Marti and I got married, I never envisioned it ending up with her in an apartment like this. I'm sure it is nice inside, and the entrance might as well be the backdoor to K-Mart. I know how much Marti disliked our first apartment in Dallas, in the Nottingham Apartments. Disappointed is one summary of the feelings of failure, sadness, and remorse as I drove back over to the house. Even though it is not my choices that led here there, and it is none of my business if she is happy with it or not. I am glad I didn't get intimidated into moving out of 1307 Emerald Green. Andrea, Grandma Shirts, and I ended up watching a movie called `The Net' on TV Friday night.
Saturday started with waffles, then choir practice, then working on the maps, then Matt's soccer game (he made his first goal of the season, and it was a beauty), working on the maps, and watching an Audrey Hepburn movie I'd never seen (Wait Until Dark). Then Grandma Shirts took Andrea, Rachel, Matt, and me to dinner at The Goode Seafood Company, and we all went to see `Monsters, Inc.' Great movie. Hope all of you get to see it. I'm disappointed I was not able to take all of you with me to see this Pixar/Disney movie, like in the old days. And Ben, the Star Wars Episode II preview is short clips, and neat. It took me an hour or so when we got home to make a flyer for Latter-Day Night Live. And we ran out of ink on the copier and had to recopy about 50 of the flyers when I got up this morning.
Today has been a good day. Fast & Testimony was touching. Marion Pickerd is the Gospel Doctrine teacher. She does a good job. Priesthood meeting was about the family, and I always have all of these mixed emotions as I hear things I did wrong, and ignore things I did right. I had occasion to recall when I was in college, the fall of 1969 after the feds shut down Nelson Packing Company. I lived in the Fraternity House. I had no money. I bought a meal ticket at Ballif Hall for one meal a day. And I would stock up on dinner every night. I was so worried about money and being a burden on Mom and Dad, I would only eat this one meal each day. And was no meals at Ballif Hall on the ticket on weekends. So I would eat raw uncooked speghetti and anything else I could find or scrounge at the Frat House. Of course, now I look back and see how foolish this was, and how I simply needed to open my mouth and ask for some help, and I would have had all the help I needed, and it would not have been a burden to anyone. Amazing how our perceptions and our fears create the biggest burdens we carry around. And we end up being disappointed because we don't have all of the facts.
And if I can feel this strongly disappointed at the business things that happened this week, imagine how disappointed I can feel about the emotional events regarding family, and those I love, and which I can seldom find the words to adequately describe. With the fear of offending or saying too much, I thought I would close this Thoughtlet with a list of things that have disappointed me, with the unrealistic hope that each of you will never find yourselves in a position to be disappointed in the same way.
It is not good to take responsibility for the less than perfect choices of others. I'm disappointed I feel a need to do this, and hope you will help me find ways and words to lovingly call those to repentance who are at risk. From a more positive standpoint, I wrote two stanzas in High Priest Quorum today, which will possibly be incorporated into Prime Words:
We all need to learn from being disappointed. We all need
to live so we will not be disappointed. We all need to give
others their free agency, so they are the ones who become
disappointed, with the hope it will result in a reversal of
misaction. We all need to find the joy on the otherside
of being disappointed. I hope you each choose to find joy
and find ways to minimize dissapointment. Have a great week.
I sure intend to!"