cc: file, Tony Hafen, Pauline Nelson via mail, Sara and Des Penny, Claude and Katherine Warner, Lloyd and Luana Warner, Diane Cluff, Maxine Shirts via mail.
"I enjoy life. I hope when each of you at 51 you can say the same. There are challenges, and many of them are bigger than I am. The biggest issues I face are the emotional ones. Insecurity. Not knowing how to handle situations with those I love. And yet, even in these most stressful situations for me, when I feel most vulnerable, I'm glad to be having the experience and glad to be alive.
As I mentioned last week (actually in 0131.html), Sunday I called Paul and Melanie to talk about the car payments. It was one of the nicest talks I have ever had with Melanie. I'm not sure why I get so stressed out talking on the phone with those I love, and I do. I'm sorry. It is just hard for me, especially when there are emotional components to the conversation. Maybe it is related to feelings of being vulnerable. And of course, anytime the conversation concerns you kids, or Roice and Rob (remember they don't want to read these Thoughtlets right now), it is emotional to me. I sense Ben and Sarah are starting to feel a little bit of the concern I feel for you kids as Ethan becomes more cognizant, and hopefully in time you will each come to understand why my eyes water up as I write words like this. I do care about each of you kids. As an aside, Sarah, it was wonderful to hear you off handedly say about the Disney movie `Mighty Joe Young,' `This sure seems violent for a kids movie!' In the bigger picture I'm trying to paint with these words, I hope time will erase many of the differences I have felt with different generational values. Anyway, I noticed how I was ready for the phone conversation with Melanie to end, and after it was over, I went in the kitchen and ate a handful of chocolate chips.
I have thought all week about why I was ready for the phone call with Melanie to end. It was about 10:30 and I was tired. Surely this is a factor. We talked for quite a while, and whenever I am on the phone with family for a long time I can hear Grandpa Hafen saying `It is time to get off the phone.' Sometimes it is sad how we continue to relive some parts of our childhood. One of the things Melanie and I talked about was her insight into how the spirit only works in our lives when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. I know this was true for me when I had my conversion experience in Corvallis (../9715.html), and at numerous times since. I fear I took too much of the risk out of life's experiences for several of you, and you never had this opportunity to truly be vulnerable and to want (even need) to call on our Heavenly Father for help. Maybe the emotions of feeling `I have failed some of those I love the most' was driving my readiness to get off the phone. Andrea had already gone to bed, and I had sent the two Thoughtlets I wrote last Sunday (0131.html and 0132.html), and maybe I didn't want to wake her up when I went in. I heard `How nice it is to talk,' and there were feelings of, `If you want to talk, the phone call can be made from either end of the line,' and `It is not always up to me to call.' Although our balance sheet is in better shape than it has been in almost a decade, there is still $10,000 in debt, and several large expenses coming up. Marti came up in the conversation, as did Roice and Rob. So maybe the conversation just left me feeling emotionally vulnerable and I wanted to get away. Melanie, it is not because I don't love you, nor because I did not enjoy the conversation, and I hope that by writing the feelings of my heart I am not embarrassing you or making you or any of the rest of you kids feel judged or hurt in some other way.
One of the challenges we face right now is a $6,500 balloon payment on Ben's Saturn. Andrea called on Monday to get details, and because she was not listed on the car title, they would not provide her with any information. She has been feeling overwhelmed with our debt and Continuum's late payment, and all of the work she is doing repainting and wall papering Matt's room now that Rachel's is done, and so this just added to it. I tend to not do as much with the finances as I should, and so when she gave me the information and told me to call about it, I assumed it was my job to fix the issue. I went by the Saturn dealership on my way to II&T on Tuesday. Because the car has wrecked and repainted in the front, the trade-in was a big loss. They said to call Chase. I did on the way downtown, and by the time I reached downtown, I had refinanced the loan, delayed the next payment until October, and cut payments by about $60 per month. And we have no prepayment penelty when we get some money and pay off the car early. The downside is it lasts 5 more years if we don't prepay the loan. Anyway, I felt really good about solving the problem. And Paul and Melanie, this option will be available to you guys when your balloon payments are due. However, when I got home Tuesday and told Andrea, she said, `Why didn't you talk to me before you made that kind of commitment for us.' I felt vulnerable. The old lose/lose scenario. Anyway, we did talk, and she is ok, as long as we can and do pay it off and don't pay 8.5% interest for 5 years.
I remember using the word vulnerable in my prayer Sunday night, and it has been on my mind all week. For instance, for those who choose to read the Book of Mormon, in Moroni 10:3-7 says:
At some point in each of our lives, we come to a place in time and
space where we need to personally know what is on the other side of
the veil. And one of the dichotomies of life is we only find the
answers to these hard questions when we allow ourselves to be
vulnerable. Pride keeps us from asking. As does its assistants:
wealth, power, and fame, and their representations: fancy cars,
nice houses, beautiful clothes, and other things if they are
purchased only for the purposes of self-aggrandizement. Of course,
none of us have the money, responsibilities, nor notoriety to fall
in any of these catagories, and so this is written for you to read
in 20 years, when some of you do find yourselves caught up in that
which does not lead to eternal life and eternal families. Hopefully
we will all find ourselves vulnerable enough between now and then
that when the opportunity arises, it can be in fullfillment of
Jacob's admonition between 544 and 421 BC (Jacob 2:18-19):
So my week was spent seeking riches, or at least to lay a groundwork which will hopefully lead to riches. Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday I was at Chroma. Final project presentation on the Texaco project I've worked on the last couple of months. The results of the work were used by Chroma on the cover of the Houston Business Journal a couple of weeks ago, which I just found out. I also have started to work up the four projects for Fairfield and Republic, and the results so far look really interesting. I have an initial presentation of results to Republic and Fairfield next Friday morning. I was at II&T on Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday. I also had a good meeting with Eliott Pew at Newfield Exploration on Wednesday, just before Young Men's. He is up in the Woodland's, and I made it back to the church just in time to work with the guys on labeling all of the photos from our high adventure: http://www.walden3d.com/photos/scouts/HighAdventure23-31July01. There is still probably four hours of work to do with all of this. I hope to get it finished in time to show the last half hour off a joint Young Men/Young Women activity on Wednesday, 22 August 2001, at Continuum, when there will also be a Boy Scout Court of Honor and Matt will receive his Star award. This paragraph does not come close to stating how long, and how hard the week was. As in any start up, and I have experience with several now, there is a stage where you are particularly vulnerable. This is the stage, and sometimes it is not any fun. The facts I enjoy my work, and that the results are so technically interesting and stimulating, is one of the main reasons I started out this Thoughtlet saying, `I enjoy life.'
I hope each of you find yourselves vulnerable, at least to the degree necessary to exercise faith, and to learn how to trust in the Lord. And I especially hope you can each always say, `I enjoy life."