13 May 2001 #0120.html

New Roof

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Dear Paul and Kate, Melanie and Jared, Bridget and Justin, Sara, Ben and Sarah, Heather, Audrey, Rachel, and Matt via hardcopy,

cc: file, Tony Hafen, Pauline Nelson via mail, Sara and Des Penny, Claude and Katherine Warner, Lloyd and Luana Warner, Diane Cluff, Maxine Shirts via mail.

Welcome to "Thoughtlets." This is a weekly review of an idea, belief, thought, or words that will hopefully be of some benefit to you, my children, with an electronic copy to on-line extended family members. Any of you can ask me not to clutter your mail box at any time.

"An information bulletin for those, like me, who didn't have to endure the hammering: the house got a new roof this week. We got a partial insurance settlement for storm damage (we still had to come up with $2,000. the insurance company didn't cover), and Andrea has been following up on this for several months. We signed an agreement last week, the supplies showed up in the driveway the next morning, and they started working tearing the top off of the roof on Wednesday, the morning after I left for RC-SIG III in Ames, Iowa. They were finished before I got back to the house on Friday.

Monday morning started with a teleconference with Albert Boulanger in New York City and Bryan Bentz in Connecticut. We are talking about them building the Infinite Grid (SM) tool for Dynamic (see http://www.walden3d.com/dynamic/ig for a description). I spent most of Monday and Tuesday preparing a proposal for funding TMI-004 Ward Abbott On-line Atlas (TMI=Technology of Mutual Interest, and a description and the proposal is at http://www.walden3d.com/Abbott. Between working on the proposal and packing on Tuesday, I watched the 4 video tapes Roger Anderson put together for GBRN and afterwards. We really have done some good work over the years. There was a nice note from Ben and Sarah saying they are buying a house (also getting a new roof). Also on Tuesday Rob called and asked for my work phone number and address for his Parole Officer. He has been arrested for marijuana posession, and has been given deferred adjudciation, if he performs some community service and stays clean. It was good to talk to him, and he was suprised to learn I did not know about his arrest when I visited him last Saturday. As he was hanging up the phone he said he did not want to talk to me again.

The flight to Des Moines was by way of Chicago, and I reached the Memorial Union (Iowa State Student Building and campus hotel) at 12:30 at night. The conference was really good. I captured most of the speakers and key images from the two days of talks and will put them at http://www.walden3d.com/rcsig. Paul, I especially think you will be interested in going through these pictures. There are a couple of hundred of them, and hopefully the titles will highgrade the ones to review. The reception to the idea of the online atlas was phenomenal. I gave copies of the proposal to each of the following:

  1. John van der Laan, Gulf Canada, believes his company will be interested.
  2. Dr. Rob Leslie, Shell Research, said he would ask if there is interest, and said the specific folks to talk to are Gary Stephens at the Bellaire Technology Center, and Steve Tennant in New Orleans.
  3. Sudhendu Kashikar, Schlumberger, who is responsible for the new immersive environment just being built at Schlumberger.
  4. Tom Feigs, Pan Canadian, who believes Bryan Zaitlin, a stratigrapher at Pan Canadian, will become the internal proponent.
  5. Jack Norris of SGI, who sells computers to the oil and gas industry in Calgary, and sees the immersive models we plan to build as a great sales tool. He will be taking the proposal to several of his clients in Calgary.

In addition, I went through the plans with Dr. Kim Touysinhtiphonexay and Joseph Bradley of the University of Colorado at Boulder who are key participants in the bpCenter for Visualization. They are very excited about being one of the key groups to build the immersive outcrop models for distribution. As the meeting ended on Thursday there were Tornado warnings. One of guys reported he heard the national warning system come on the radio telling people there was an emergency. First time I've heard of this system being used. I was worn out when I got to the hotel and vegged out watching TV. I watched CSI and ER. Andrea usually watches ER, and so I was somewhat acquainted with the soap opera nature of it. (In return she always gives me a bad time about watching Leno.) Crime Scene Investigation was pure gross. It brought to mind two of the talks from the last General Conference, which I haven't sheared my notes on yet:

`You can not pet a rattlesnake. The world makes some snakes look harmless. Wo unto them who call evil good and good evil. Pornography is more dangerous than a rattlesnake. It takes a focused effort to avoid these temptations. Set up fortifications to protect your priceless virtue. It is wise to keep televisions in family rooms and not in bedrooms. On business trips some fathers do not watch TV. Knowingly petting a spiritual rattlesnake is dangerous. It is much better to not pet spiritual rattlesnakes. Repentance is a spiritual snake bite kit and best applied soon after the bite. Joy comes from living the way our Savior lived. Stay away from pornography. Don't let the poison touch your soul.' David E. Sorenson, Presidency of the 70. `Through priesthood power universes were are are organized. The power of the priesthood is unlimited, yet our individual priesthood power is limited by our humility, cleanliness of heart and mind. As a missionary was asked to bless an 8 year old boy fell out of a mango tree. The Branch President taught he can not and would not approach God with dirty hands. The Priesthood Blessing by he who had clean hands and a pure heart, and on the 3rd day the boy was reunited with his fmaily. This Branch President exercised his priesthood with righteousness. This connection is available to all of us. Please don't sell your priesthood birthright for R-rated pottage.' John H. Groberg, 70


Friday morning started about 4:30 in order to get to the airport for a 7:30 flight. Dave Ridyard was also at the airport. I arrived at IAH at 12:30 and went to Saturn dealership for 42K mile checkup, to fix leaking windows, and to get a short in the dome light fixed. It turned out I was there until 5:00. While there I finished writing out the labels for the 200+ RC-SIG images taken in Iowa. There was a nice conversation with Christian Singfield from Brisbane while there. He is coming to visit Houston the week of May 21st. I got back to the house just in time for Matt's soccer practice. I ended up being a goalee for their practice game. Helped me realize how out of shape I have let myself become. In the evening, Andrea and I watched the Paul McCartney special by his daughter. I realized the rest of the Beatles were living in my proselyting area when I was on my mission. It also reminded me of when Jeff Hume, Dave Monk, Dave Ridyard, and I went to Nottingham University and they talked about the first Wings Concert, which was held there.

Saturday morning I weighed myself and got sick. 260, more than have ever weighed. Oh well! Something specific to work on. Went for a run (almost half walk) and did exercises for the first time in a couple of months. Seem to do this to myself regularly. I got back in time to go to choir practice. Afterwards I read back e-mail, including an e-mail from Rob. Andrea, Heather, and I went Matt's soccer game. I cleaned up all of the boxes taken out of the attic and put extra plywood back in the attic. Then I went swimming with Matt. I reread Rob's e-mail and decided to discect the positive parts of it for those of you who did not get a copy, and comment on it for everyone:

`Dear Dad, I sent this letter to my brothers and sisters. I realize that it isn't the best letter pertaining to you so I felt it only fair I also send it to you. I do not go behind people's back.'


The rest of the letter describes how he has spent the last several years sneaking around behind people's back, using Marijuana and trying out cocaine. When we are 18 we know everything, and we are straight up in all of our sayings and conversations. Maybe I need Rob in my life to show me the pain I caused my Mom when I was 18 and discovered the church and all of a sudden knew everything. Matt Reynold's Mom described his involvement in the church as similar to when he was hooked on drugs. It is sad to realize there is probably a scientific basis for this type of comparison, having to do with brain chemistry reactions to spiritual experiences and to drugs. Satan exists and he certainly knows how to create false images and tests for us. However, the end of the road for drug addiction and activity in the church is quite different, and I'm glad I found the path less traveled in Corvallis, and took the path I did, because it truly has made all of the difference (paraphrasing Frost).

`I love you dad, you made me for buddah's sake but Do Not Reply Please i won't read it. and please stay away from me, YES YOUR SON, if i wanted to see i would show up at your door step, and juvenille or not I am a person with basic human rights and i have the right to be confused and learn my lesson, I just don't want your help.'


It was very nice to receive a note from Rob in which he tells me he loves me. I love him. I won't include the profanity in his letter. My comment about this part of his note is, as I have often said to each of you, quoting from my Master and Savior: `If you love me, keep my commandments.' Don't talk about it, just do it. Again, I find myself thinking of Uncle Lloyd's comment to Paul and me, which I included in last week's thoughtlet: `It is so sad when someone turns down someone who wants to mentor them and who cares. There are just too few mentors around these days.' Rob's letter is a cry for help, and I implore each of you who received a copy of his letter from him to reach out to him in his time of need, especially since he wants nothing to do with me right now. The frist paragraph of the e-mail is an especially strong cry for help and support:

`Dear loving Brothers and Sisters, I miss all of you and I want you to know I feel like I have slowly become less and less as a part of this family over the past couple of years. I had become a heavy drug user, a real jerk to our mom, a self-centered brat, and an overall confused person. Well I feel I owe you guys a word or two so I am writing you this entire letter and I am hopping you will reply so that we can rebuild our relationship. One thing I believe is that family is the most important thing a person can have.'


Obviously Andrea, Heather, Audrey, Rachel, and Matt are not family in Rob's mind, and so I'm not sure how much the six of us can do to influence and help him. Rachel, I thank you for going and visiting Rob. I encourage the rest of you to send Rob a nice e-mail or card telling him you are thinking of him, weekly, even daily for the next few months, and hopefully he will come to accept all of us as part of his family, `the most important thing a person can have.'

`I became a good friend with this one black guy that most of you know but I will name him Mr. T for the purpose of this story.'


I assume this is Jeremy, whom I'm sorry to say, I let come in my house because he was with Rob.

`Well he and I became real good friends and we smoked all the time together. I hung around him for the rest of the school year. I met tons of new `friends'. But my grades dropped and I failed algebra II. Also on spring break mom was out of town and one night I had 5 of who I thought to be some of my closest druggy friends. Well the next day our Dad found out that I was there alone and used his usual tactic of threatening to take mom to court and get custody of me.'


One of the conscious reasons I am going through those portions of this letter I consider positive is to give a perspective to those of you who read the Thoughtlets, specifically so you can share, what I believe is a reasoned response, in your one on one conversations with Rob, since he does not want to have any such conversations with me. Of course, there is probably subconconsious desires for self-justification and to clean the mud off of my face. When Rob started going downhill I mentioned regaining custody (and I expect my words were stronger than mentioning, because it is an emotional issue, and I do care about each of you). I have been very concerned about the message behind some of Rob's words and actions. It is really sad if my fears and interpretation are right, and if it is, all that those of us who care can do is be there, supporting and loving the person who has had the trauma, if and when they finally have the strength to talk through the experience, leave it behind, and get on with life. If we are aware of a factual basis for on-going trauma it is our responsibility as citizens of society to alert authorities. In Rob's case I have no such factual basis and continue to let things play out.

`One of my supposed friends had unlocked the window and robbed the house when I was gone. I knew who one of them was and so I just hated that person since, and the cops of course were no help in catching him. They stole a DVD machine, mom's prize camera and lens, and checks. Well I went on living my life and not caring. I expected to have a summer filled with parties and drugs and fun. It turned out to be just drugs and depression. I went ot summer school and passed Algebra II, Then mom went to Washington D.C. for the grant she earned. I was forced to live with dad for a full month of summer. Dad kept me from doing anything I wanted but the really bad part was being stuck in that house with Matt 24 hours a day 7 days a week.'


It is a hard lesson to learn to take responsibility for our choices. I am still learning this lesson. Matt is very much like Rob, and living with Matt probably made Rob feel really bad about himself and his relationships with blood-line siblings. He needs to know how much we all love him. I encourage each of you to call him regularly and to write and e-mail him regularly. I am going to continue to give him the space he requests, and so will appreciate if you will tell him how much I love him, when it is appropriate in your conversations. Because of my church responsibilities and due to PAIRS I have been much more exposed to those attempting to regain sobrity than I ever wanted to. It is tough. It is especially tough if there is a genetic basis for addiction to alcohol, tobacco, and drugs. Rob, and each of the rest of you, including those of you who do not carry my genes, carry these genes on both sides of your family line. It is possible to achieve sobriety after being a user, and it is hard, and too rare. Scientists have shown that our brain structure changes, and we crave the experience, and seek it again and again until we truly are addicted. When this is faced in an environment where we have been taught by example to run away from our problems and to blame them on someone or something else, rather than taking personal responsibility for our choices, it is almost always fatal. The hope I have is spiritual, the fact Rob has been given the gift of the Holy Ghost, and the fact that I and others who care for him pray for him regularly. Maybe he will find the strength he needs for this part of his journy through Buddah, whom he referenced several times in his letter.

Drug useage is nasty stuff, and even with a good support group there are typically 5 recursions before stable sobriety is achieved. Last time I talked to Marti she said she was going to go back to LifeWay `to get some backbone' to face the challenges with Rob. Those that visit Rob should pull up the corners of his water bed, look for secret and locked compartments in his room or in the house, and if you find any `stuff' there, confront him with the fact that deferred adjudication is only deferred if there are not more arrests.

A little bit of history. Robert Clarence Llewellyn was a postmaster in rural Oklahoma for his entire career. Grandma Llewellyn would not talk much about him. Their daughter, Robbye, was a `wild cheerleader.' I've wondered if she was seeking acceptance from her father. Emmit, a pilot and World War II hero, was the black sheep of his family, rejecting the East Texas - Southern Arkansas fundamentialism of his father, who was the `Presiding Elder' for The Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Emmit went to college and got a Ph.D. in Sociology at Cornell, one of the most prestigious schools in America. This was in the days of the hippies, and sociologists were expermenting with wife swapping and other `new' concepts. The fact Emmit went to his grave questioning his parternity of Chuck is one of the nasty consequences of choices back then. When Emmit turned alcoholic and mean, Robbye found comfort with Guy, and as Marti and I got married Robbye and Emmit got divorced. I remember how sad I felt for Marti the night of Melanie and Jared's reception (../0025.html), as I listened to Grandma Jackson go into detailed descriptions of why `everything is my fault,' and realized, between me and Robbye, Marti was never given an opportunity to be responsible for her own choices. In that context, frankly, it is no wonder she ran away from me.

In the bigger picture, we always have three choices in an intimate relationship: (1) stay and endure; (2) leave; or (3) change ourselves. My Mom and Dad choose (1). I have tried my best to choose (3), which I now consider the only viable option. Marti, Rob, Roice, and others have choosen (2). Family history and particularly Mothers have a tremendous impact on the choices we make. The words of Stephen Covey come to mind (from pages 316-318 of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, 1990 Fireside Edition):

`Among other things, I believe that giving "wings" to our children and to others means empowering them with the freedom to rise above negative scripting that has been passed down to us. I believe it means becoming ... a "transition" person. Instead of transferring those scripts to the next generation, we can change them. And we can do it in a way that will build relationships in the process. If your parents abused you as a child, that does not mean that you have to abuse your own children. Yet there's plenty of evidence to indicate that you will tend to live out that script. But because you're proactive, you can rewrite the script. You can choose not only not to abuse your children, but to affirm them, to script them in positive ways. ... A tendency that's run through your family for generations can stop with you. You're a transition person - a link between the past and the future. And your own change can affect many, many lives downstream. ... Change - real change - comes from the inside out. It doesn't come from hacking at the leaves of attitude and behaviour with quick fix personality ethic techniques. It comes from striking at the root - the fabric of our thought, the fundamental, essential paradigms, which give definition to our character and create the lens through which we see the world. ... Achieving unity - oneness - with ourselves, with our loved ones, with our friends and working associates, is the highest and best and most delicious fruit ... Again, I quote Emerson: "That which we persist in doing becomes easier - not that the nature of the task has changed, but our ability to do has increased." By centering our lives on correct principles and creating a balanced focus between doing and increasing our ability to do, we become empowered in the task of creating effective, useful, and peaceful lives ... for ourselves, and for our posterity.'


Back to Rob's e-mail:

`Dad comes roaring up to the house and charges at me accusing me of smoking pot because he obviously doesn't know the difference between cigarettes and Marijuana.'


Isn't it wonderful I don't know that difference. I wish it were the same for all of you, and that you avoided them both as I do.

`I have found know that you can only build a relationship if both sides are willing which i wasn't. He hasn't realized this. But then I turned 18 WHOO HOO free from our dad; he could no longer get custody of me. I stopped the 12-step meetings but I kept going to the doctor with him, I felt that was fair enough.'


Rob has been to Dr. White with me twice. Both times well before he turned 18. He has only talked to me a half a dozen times since he turned 18, and those are mostly conversations which can not be repeated in the company of any cultured or decent person.

`Well I had missed an exorbitant amount of days at school and when they called our dad he told them about me failing a drug test during the time I stayed with him. ... I had to take a drug test ever month, spend over a thousand dollars a month of mom's money in doctor bills and go back to 12-step.'


A couple of facts. Andrea is still receiving child support for two kids ($600 per month). Marti's child support dropped to $1,200 per month to support Rob, after Sara left for college. It appears to me the child support money I have paid has not only provided Rob the money he needed to buy the stuff and to get hooked, it has also been the basis of `mom's money' for doctor bills. It is sad how perceptions become reality, especially when other people's perceptions are not our reality. The fear of money running out, is not Rob's. It would have been much cheaper to pay tithing and live the word of wisdom. Oh well! Also, it is my perception that Rob's fear of having custody transferred to me is actually Marti's fear. Rob has been threatening to move into an apartment for months going on 2 years. Frankly I would not put up with his language around Matt, Rachel, and Andrea and so there is virtually no basis for his fear he would be forced to live here.

`(and yes i do realize now I should have just stopped then and there, but i don't believe a person can be forced into something like soberiety, they have to find it like I have done.) ... It took me getting arrested on march 30th, me finding out over a year late my best friend Mr. T helped rob my house, and having another friend recently try to steal from me to realize I need to get sober, I need to change my life around, and I need to get some better friends. I have only been sober a week, but one thing I do know is that I can't do it alone. I love you guys and I hope you can forgive me for what I have done to mom and I hope I can forgive dad someday too.'


Rob needs our help and our prayers. I hope you who recevied his letter will each follow up on his request to `reply so that we can rebuild our relationships.' I have been through his letter a dozen times since yesterday, and it does not specify what it is he needs to forgive me of. He needs to talk this through with someone, and I anticipate one of you will prove to be key in getting him to open up. I am available, I will pay Nancy White to help us understand each other, and I'm not going to even give the appearance of forcing my help on him. He gets to live with the consequences of his choices as he builds a new roof for his life, for the choices truly are his.

I was so upset about the letter, that when I was putting the extra playwood from the new roof in the attic I stuck my hand in a rat trap. My finger is as black and blue as it used to get when I would get so frustrated I would beat on a door. I'm glad for my new life, and I wish there was more that I could do to help those I love than pray for them and love them from a distance. Oh well!

I spent the rest of Saturday sending e-mails, and reworking some of the dynamic web pages I referenced earlier. Andrea, Heather, Rachel, and I went to see `A Knight's Tale,' while Matt went to see `The Mummy Returns' again. It is a good movie, and I recommend it to all of you kids. Makes fun of modern life in a funny way. When we got back from the movie I went to the grocery store and bought stuff for Mother's Day breakfast and dinner. By the time it was put up it was time for bed.

This morning I made a double batch of German Pancakes. Kate and Paul, they were very well recevied by everyone. Thanks. I forgot to remind Matt about his talk in Sacrament Meeting, Rachel and Mom went to church early for a Young Women's Special Musical Number Practice, and called and reminded Matt. I was in the shower. I helped him find the scripture about the sons of Helaman whose Mother's knew, and he put the rest of his talk together. Matt, you have a lot of self-confidence, and your talk, including admitting being irresponsible, was really quite good. Brother Branning, Matt's scout leader, was the last speaker, and he said `I forgot about my talk until this morning, and I called Brother Nelson, and Roice helped me write my talk too.' It is nice to have friends and an eternal support framework. It is nice to know we will be together with those who are trying beyond the grave, and that family truly is the most important thing a person can have. I fixed lunch too. Steak, grilled on the grill Mom gave us for a wedding present, with asparagas. Tortilini in alfredo sauce. Corn-on-the-cobb and a shrimp appetizer. I think Andrea had a good Mother's Day. After struggling to write this for some time, Andrea and I went to the baptism of Robert Bryant Holmes. He is Tana Holmes husband and has been in our ward for years. Maybe some of you visited them with me. It was a really nice baptism and spirit and gives hope for change. I hope each of you had a good Mother's Day and that you will each be able to take the steps you need to in order to reorganize, restart, and, when it is necessary, put your lives under a new roof.

I'm interested in sharing weekly a "thoughtlet" (little statements of big thoughts which mean a lot to me) with you because I know how important the written word can be. I am concerned about how easy it is to drift and forget our roots and our potential among all of distractions of daily life. To download any of these thoughtlets go to http://www.walden3d.com/thoughtlets or e-mail me at rnelson@walden3d.com.

With all my love,
Dad
(H. Roice Nelson, Jr.)

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Copyright © 2001 H. Roice Nelson, Jr.