cc: file, Tony Hafen, Pauline Nelson via mail, Sara and Des Penny, Claude and Katherine Warner, Lloyd and Luana Warner, Diane Cluff, Maxine Shirts via mail.
"An information bulletin for those, like me, who didn't have to endure the hammering: the house got a new roof this week. We got a partial insurance settlement for storm damage (we still had to come up with $2,000. the insurance company didn't cover), and Andrea has been following up on this for several months. We signed an agreement last week, the supplies showed up in the driveway the next morning, and they started working tearing the top off of the roof on Wednesday, the morning after I left for RC-SIG III in Ames, Iowa. They were finished before I got back to the house on Friday.
Monday morning started with a teleconference with Albert Boulanger in New York City and Bryan Bentz in Connecticut. We are talking about them building the Infinite Grid (SM) tool for Dynamic (see http://www.walden3d.com/dynamic/ig for a description). I spent most of Monday and Tuesday preparing a proposal for funding TMI-004 Ward Abbott On-line Atlas (TMI=Technology of Mutual Interest, and a description and the proposal is at http://www.walden3d.com/Abbott. Between working on the proposal and packing on Tuesday, I watched the 4 video tapes Roger Anderson put together for GBRN and afterwards. We really have done some good work over the years. There was a nice note from Ben and Sarah saying they are buying a house (also getting a new roof). Also on Tuesday Rob called and asked for my work phone number and address for his Parole Officer. He has been arrested for marijuana posession, and has been given deferred adjudciation, if he performs some community service and stays clean. It was good to talk to him, and he was suprised to learn I did not know about his arrest when I visited him last Saturday. As he was hanging up the phone he said he did not want to talk to me again.
The flight to Des Moines was by way of Chicago, and I reached the Memorial Union (Iowa State Student Building and campus hotel) at 12:30 at night. The conference was really good. I captured most of the speakers and key images from the two days of talks and will put them at http://www.walden3d.com/rcsig. Paul, I especially think you will be interested in going through these pictures. There are a couple of hundred of them, and hopefully the titles will highgrade the ones to review. The reception to the idea of the online atlas was phenomenal. I gave copies of the proposal to each of the following:
In addition, I went through the plans with Dr. Kim Touysinhtiphonexay and Joseph Bradley of the University of Colorado at Boulder who are key participants in the bpCenter for Visualization. They are very excited about being one of the key groups to build the immersive outcrop models for distribution. As the meeting ended on Thursday there were Tornado warnings. One of guys reported he heard the national warning system come on the radio telling people there was an emergency. First time I've heard of this system being used. I was worn out when I got to the hotel and vegged out watching TV. I watched CSI and ER. Andrea usually watches ER, and so I was somewhat acquainted with the soap opera nature of it. (In return she always gives me a bad time about watching Leno.) Crime Scene Investigation was pure gross. It brought to mind two of the talks from the last General Conference, which I haven't sheared my notes on yet:
Friday morning started about 4:30 in order to get to the airport
for a 7:30 flight. Dave Ridyard was also at the airport. I
arrived at IAH at 12:30 and went to Saturn dealership for 42K
mile checkup, to fix leaking windows, and to get a short in the
dome light fixed. It turned out I was there until 5:00. While
there I finished writing out the labels for the 200+ RC-SIG
images taken in Iowa. There was a nice conversation with
Christian Singfield from Brisbane while there. He is coming to
visit Houston the week of May 21st. I got back to the house
just in time for Matt's soccer practice. I ended up being a
goalee for their practice game. Helped me realize how out of
shape I have let myself become. In the evening, Andrea and I
watched the Paul McCartney special by his daughter. I realized
the rest of the Beatles were living in my proselyting area when
I was on my mission. It also reminded me of when Jeff Hume,
Dave Monk, Dave Ridyard, and I went to Nottingham University and
they talked about the first Wings Concert, which was held there.
Saturday morning I weighed myself and got sick. 260, more than have ever weighed. Oh well! Something specific to work on. Went for a run (almost half walk) and did exercises for the first time in a couple of months. Seem to do this to myself regularly. I got back in time to go to choir practice. Afterwards I read back e-mail, including an e-mail from Rob. Andrea, Heather, and I went Matt's soccer game. I cleaned up all of the boxes taken out of the attic and put extra plywood back in the attic. Then I went swimming with Matt. I reread Rob's e-mail and decided to discect the positive parts of it for those of you who did not get a copy, and comment on it for everyone:
The rest of the letter describes how he has spent the last several years
sneaking around behind people's back, using Marijuana and trying out
cocaine. When we are 18 we know everything, and we are straight up in
all of our sayings and conversations. Maybe I need Rob in my life to
show me the pain I caused my Mom when I was 18 and discovered the church
and all of a sudden knew everything. Matt Reynold's Mom described his
involvement in the church as similar to when he was hooked on drugs. It
is sad to realize there is probably a scientific basis for this type
of comparison, having to do with brain chemistry reactions to spiritual
experiences and to drugs. Satan exists and he certainly knows how to
create false images and tests for us. However, the end of the road for
drug addiction and activity in the church is quite different, and I'm
glad I found the path less traveled in Corvallis, and took the path I
did, because it truly has made all of the difference (paraphrasing Frost).
It was very nice to receive a note from Rob in which he tells me he
loves me. I love him. I won't include the profanity in his letter.
My comment about this part of his note is, as I have often said to
each of you, quoting from my Master and Savior: `If you love me,
keep my commandments.' Don't talk about it, just do it. Again, I
find myself thinking of Uncle Lloyd's comment to Paul and me, which
I included in last week's thoughtlet: `It is so sad when someone
turns down someone who wants to mentor them and who cares. There
are just too few mentors around these days.' Rob's letter is a cry
for help, and I implore each of you who received a copy of his letter
from him to reach out to him in his time of need, especially since
he wants nothing to do with me right now. The frist paragraph of
the e-mail is an especially strong cry for help and support:
Obviously Andrea, Heather, Audrey, Rachel, and Matt are not family
in Rob's mind, and so I'm not sure how much the six of us can do
to influence and help him. Rachel, I thank you for going and
visiting Rob. I encourage the rest of you to send Rob a nice e-mail
or card telling him you are thinking of him, weekly, even daily for
the next few months, and hopefully he will come to accept all of
us as part of his family, `the most important thing a person can have.'
I assume this is Jeremy, whom I'm sorry to say, I let come in my
house because he was with Rob.
One of the conscious reasons I am going through those portions of
this letter I consider positive is to give a perspective to those
of you who read the Thoughtlets, specifically so you can share,
what I believe is a reasoned response, in your one on one
conversations with Rob, since he does not want to have any such
conversations with me. Of course, there is probably subconconsious
desires for self-justification and to clean the mud off of my face.
When Rob started going downhill I mentioned regaining custody (and
I expect my words were stronger than mentioning, because it is an
emotional issue, and I do care about each of you). I have been very
concerned about the message behind some of Rob's words and actions.
It is really sad if my fears and interpretation are right, and if it
is, all that those of us who care can do is be there, supporting and
loving the person who has had the trauma, if and when they finally
have the strength to talk through the experience, leave it behind,
and get on with life. If we are aware of a factual basis for on-going
trauma it is our responsibility as citizens of society to alert
authorities. In Rob's case I have no such factual basis and continue
to let things play out.
It is a hard lesson to learn to take responsibility for our choices.
I am still learning this lesson. Matt is very much like Rob, and
living with Matt probably made Rob feel really bad about himself
and his relationships with blood-line siblings. He needs to know
how much we all love him. I encourage each of you to call him
regularly and to write and e-mail him regularly. I am going to
continue to give him the space he requests, and so will appreciate
if you will tell him how much I love him, when it is appropriate
in your conversations. Because of my church responsibilities and
due to PAIRS I have been much more exposed to those attempting to
regain sobrity than I ever wanted to. It is tough. It is
especially tough if there is a genetic basis for addiction to
alcohol, tobacco, and drugs. Rob, and each of the rest of you,
including those of you who do not carry my genes, carry these
genes on both sides of your family line. It is possible to achieve
sobriety after being a user, and it is hard, and too rare.
Scientists have shown that our brain structure changes, and we
crave the experience, and seek it again and again until we truly
are addicted. When this is faced in an environment where we have
been taught by example to run away from our problems and to blame
them on someone or something else, rather than taking personal
responsibility for our choices, it is almost always fatal. The
hope I have is spiritual, the fact Rob has been given the gift of
the Holy Ghost, and the fact that I and others who care for him
pray for him regularly. Maybe he will find the strength he needs
for this part of his journy through Buddah, whom he referenced
several times in his letter.
Drug useage is nasty stuff, and even with a good support group there are typically 5 recursions before stable sobriety is achieved. Last time I talked to Marti she said she was going to go back to LifeWay `to get some backbone' to face the challenges with Rob. Those that visit Rob should pull up the corners of his water bed, look for secret and locked compartments in his room or in the house, and if you find any `stuff' there, confront him with the fact that deferred adjudication is only deferred if there are not more arrests.
A little bit of history. Robert Clarence Llewellyn was a postmaster in rural Oklahoma for his entire career. Grandma Llewellyn would not talk much about him. Their daughter, Robbye, was a `wild cheerleader.' I've wondered if she was seeking acceptance from her father. Emmit, a pilot and World War II hero, was the black sheep of his family, rejecting the East Texas - Southern Arkansas fundamentialism of his father, who was the `Presiding Elder' for The Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Emmit went to college and got a Ph.D. in Sociology at Cornell, one of the most prestigious schools in America. This was in the days of the hippies, and sociologists were expermenting with wife swapping and other `new' concepts. The fact Emmit went to his grave questioning his parternity of Chuck is one of the nasty consequences of choices back then. When Emmit turned alcoholic and mean, Robbye found comfort with Guy, and as Marti and I got married Robbye and Emmit got divorced. I remember how sad I felt for Marti the night of Melanie and Jared's reception (../0025.html), as I listened to Grandma Jackson go into detailed descriptions of why `everything is my fault,' and realized, between me and Robbye, Marti was never given an opportunity to be responsible for her own choices. In that context, frankly, it is no wonder she ran away from me.
In the bigger picture, we always have three choices in an intimate relationship: (1) stay and endure; (2) leave; or (3) change ourselves. My Mom and Dad choose (1). I have tried my best to choose (3), which I now consider the only viable option. Marti, Rob, Roice, and others have choosen (2). Family history and particularly Mothers have a tremendous impact on the choices we make. The words of Stephen Covey come to mind (from pages 316-318 of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, 1990 Fireside Edition):
Back to Rob's e-mail:
Isn't it wonderful I don't know that difference. I wish it were
the same for all of you, and that you avoided them both as I do.
Rob has been to Dr. White with me twice. Both times well before
he turned 18. He has only talked to me a half a dozen times since
he turned 18, and those are mostly conversations which can not
be repeated in the company of any cultured or decent person.
A couple of facts. Andrea is still receiving child support for
two kids ($600 per month). Marti's child support dropped to
$1,200 per month to support Rob, after Sara left for college.
It appears to me the child support money I have paid has not only
provided Rob the money he needed to buy the stuff and to get
hooked, it has also been the basis of `mom's money' for doctor
bills. It is sad how perceptions become reality, especially
when other people's perceptions are not our reality. The fear
of money running out, is not Rob's. It would have been much
cheaper to pay tithing and live the word of wisdom. Oh well!
Also, it is my perception that Rob's fear of having custody
transferred to me is actually Marti's fear. Rob has been
threatening to move into an apartment for months going on 2
years. Frankly I would not put up with his language around
Matt, Rachel, and Andrea and so there is virtually no basis
for his fear he would be forced to live here.
Rob needs our help and our prayers. I hope you who recevied his
letter will each follow up on his request to `reply so that we
can rebuild our relationships.' I have been through his letter
a dozen times since yesterday, and it does not specify what it
is he needs to forgive me of. He needs to talk this through with
someone, and I anticipate one of you will prove to be key in
getting him to open up. I am available, I will pay Nancy White
to help us understand each other, and I'm not going to even give
the appearance of forcing my help on him. He gets to live with
the consequences of his choices as he builds a new roof for his
life, for the choices truly are his.
I was so upset about the letter, that when I was putting the extra playwood from the new roof in the attic I stuck my hand in a rat trap. My finger is as black and blue as it used to get when I would get so frustrated I would beat on a door. I'm glad for my new life, and I wish there was more that I could do to help those I love than pray for them and love them from a distance. Oh well!
I spent the rest of Saturday sending e-mails, and reworking some of the dynamic web pages I referenced earlier. Andrea, Heather, Rachel, and I went to see `A Knight's Tale,' while Matt went to see `The Mummy Returns' again. It is a good movie, and I recommend it to all of you kids. Makes fun of modern life in a funny way. When we got back from the movie I went to the grocery store and bought stuff for Mother's Day breakfast and dinner. By the time it was put up it was time for bed.
This morning I made a double batch of German Pancakes. Kate and Paul, they were very well recevied by everyone. Thanks. I forgot to remind Matt about his talk in Sacrament Meeting, Rachel and Mom went to church early for a Young Women's Special Musical Number Practice, and called and reminded Matt. I was in the shower. I helped him find the scripture about the sons of Helaman whose Mother's knew, and he put the rest of his talk together. Matt, you have a lot of self-confidence, and your talk, including admitting being irresponsible, was really quite good. Brother Branning, Matt's scout leader, was the last speaker, and he said `I forgot about my talk until this morning, and I called Brother Nelson, and Roice helped me write my talk too.' It is nice to have friends and an eternal support framework. It is nice to know we will be together with those who are trying beyond the grave, and that family truly is the most important thing a person can have. I fixed lunch too. Steak, grilled on the grill Mom gave us for a wedding present, with asparagas. Tortilini in alfredo sauce. Corn-on-the-cobb and a shrimp appetizer. I think Andrea had a good Mother's Day. After struggling to write this for some time, Andrea and I went to the baptism of Robert Bryant Holmes. He is Tana Holmes husband and has been in our ward for years. Maybe some of you visited them with me. It was a really nice baptism and spirit and gives hope for change. I hope each of you had a good Mother's Day and that you will each be able to take the steps you need to in order to reorganize, restart, and, when it is necessary, put your lives under a new roof.