cc: file, Tony Hafen, Sara and Des Penny, Claude and Katherine Warner, Lloyd and Luana Warner, Diane Cluff, Maxine Shirts via mail.
"When I first started to write these Thoughtlets, I had in my mind they would become a two way dialog. A place where you kids could give me feedback on what I write, keep each other informed about what is going on in your individual lives, and the entire conversation could be captured and become part of our eternal family history. There was some good feedback. Most came from cousins. It didn't take long for the newness to wear off, the feedback to slack off, and it became obvious to me the feedback cycle was not going to work the way I had in mind. So I stopped posting the feedback. Then Ben gave me the ultimate compliment, and started to imitate my Thoughtlets with PseudoThoughtlets (http://www.walden3d.com/ptl). And, as is common with almost any kind of journaling, the activities of daily life soon turned a weekly update into a biweekly update then into an annual update and more recently into a monthly update from Sarah. Anyway, this week I got some feedback.
I have written one previous Thoughtlet with the word Family in it's title (../9652.html). This was written after we returned from Christmas in Cedar City and dropping Paul off at the mission home. In it I quoted my song: `I Once Saw a Family.' I remember very well one night at PAIRS (after I had become comfortable in a room containing former drug addicts, a guy who killed his father (because he was drunk and attacking his mother and him), divorced folks, and other `real' people), I took my guitar and sang a song, which included the chorus words about my eternal family:
After I sang the song, the folks in the class started to clap. Nancy, Dr. White, stopped them, and told me my world is too idealistic. I don't remember all of her words, just that the kind of expectation described in the song puts some folks under extreme pressure, and the desire to be part of an eternal family has to come from inside. It has been long enough, I don't remember all of the words and feelings. I do know my belief in an eternal family was being strained in those days.
I do remember the morning after I was definitively told I would be divorced, and I got those who were still at home around the kitchen table, for the last Family Devotional, and I sang solo:
I also remember one of the evenings Roice and I went out to dinner in Austin, when I was working for the Bureau of Economic Geology. I was explaining how isolated I feel in time and space. I have a sure testimony of the restoration and of the truthfullness of an eternal family, and yet my Mom and Dad have never been to the temple and been sealed for time and eternity. The person I thought was my eternal companion left me, and although my six kids were born in the covenant, and thus sealed to me for eternity, several were turning their back on the eternal truths I have tried so hard to teach by word and by example. The feeling of isolation, of being completely alone in time and space, has been overwhelming at times. The feelings can be summarized with the cry: `Where is my eternal family?'
As time passes, and the pain of those days fades with the passage of time and the natural loss of memory, I recognize how blessed I am. I recognize I left home in 1968, and except for the summer of 1969, and a couple of months after my mission, I have not been back for any extended periods of time with my parents. I missed my Dad, and I miss him now. I really enjoyed visiting and helping him with projects on the farm. I have strived to regularly visit my Mom after her stroke, and thanks to PAIRS have given up the resentments I carried around for too many years. I now recognize she was doing the best she could with the tools she had and the burdens she was carrying from her youth. I look forward to the day you each recognize this about me, and just love me, as I attempt to just love my Mom now. I call her each week, and I send her the Thoughtlets, which I don't think she will be offended by. I strive to act as if we will be an eternal family, hoping that if we are not, a loving God will still have a place of peace for me.
As I watch you kids, my six and now my four step kids, march off into the world to fight the dragons of your lives, I want to be there to help you. I want to laugh with you. I want to cry with you. I want to joy with you over a successful paper or test at school, and to be a shoulder for you to cry on when the grade is not so good. I want to hold your babies. I want to change their diapers for you when you are overwhelmed. I want to see the same kind of family relationships I saw as a child around my Grandma Nelson's house. I want to be an eternal family. And I realize parts of our future are going to be quite different from what I want. Oh well!
I am striving to keep in contact, and to let everyone know what is going on in my life from week to week. My mom told me a couple of years ago that these Thoughtlets are little more than an ego trip. There is a sliver of truth in this observation, and I recognize I have a case of Buckminster Fulleritis (someday, if someone reminds me, I will spend a Thoughtlet explaining what I mean by this made up word). I really appreciated the feedback I got this week, because it put in black and white an area I need to work on to improve these Thoughtlets. Namely, I need to talk less about me, and more about you kids. I need to tell you, what my heart is full of, namely that you 10 kids and your 2 spouses and 2 serious others are the only eternal friends I have a chance of being directly connected to by the power of the Priesthood. I am sealed to six of you because you were born in the covenant. Andrea is sealed to four of you because you were born in the covenant. I am sealed to Andrea, because we were married for time and eternity. We both strive and have always strived to honor the covenants we made when we were sealed. If I do not deny my testimony, and if I live as an honorable priesthood holder, there is the promise I will be with those of you who choose to do the same. This means you are each more than eternal friends. We are eternal family.
So if we are an eternal family, why don't I write more about your childhood, or something you have done which has had an impact on my life? I tend to write about what has happened. If there has not been contact, not been feedback, not been time spent together, I have tended to not write about you kids. I do remember each of you in my prayers each night. However, I have not written much about you in my Thoughtlets. Kind of `out of sight, out of mind.' I'm sorry! Reading the words on the feedback, it was obvious to me that I need to recognize I am not the only person in this eternal family with Buckminster Fulleritis (thank goodness). I need to do a better job of specifying how our conversations get me thinking. I need to do a better job of telling you how your lives have impacted mine. I need to tell stories about your past, and how your independent choices have had consequences in my life. I need to remember I am writing these Thoughlets for you kids, and not to feed my ego nor to justify things that have happened in my life. Even though I have not done a very good job tonight, I will strive to do better at writing about my eternal family during the year 2000 and beyond.
Please have patience with me, and recognize (1) I got one letter from my Dad (it was on my mission and was a call to repentance about something I had written home in my weekly letter) and so I have the excuse of not having had an example, and (2) I struggle with words (as is shown by the amount of time it takes me to write one of these Thoughtlets out, or the fact I can't seem to remember the names of your friends, even when you are becoming seriously involved like Paul with Susan, I mean Kate, or Melanie with Ryan, I mean Jared). Maybe you can love me, even if I don't meet your expectations.
This past week has seemed to drag. There were a couple of meetings of interest at work. The week started out on a very disappointing note. I learned Dr. David Monk resigned several weeks ago, and his last day at work was Tuesday. Dave was the smartest person at Continuum. He is very detailed, not emotionally expressive, very competent on anything he takes on, and a very nice guy. I referred to Dave in several Thoughlets (../9837.html, ../9847.html, ../9904.html, ../9905.html, ../9909.html, ../9934.html, ../9935.html, ../9943.html, ../9945.html, and ../9946.html). Dave knew Mr. Finstad, and was the reason behind Nopec funding Continuum. Dave issued the preliminary patent in his and my name on sound representations of geotechnical data. Dave took over the software group when John Amason was about to give up, turned it around, and created a team. It hurts to see him leave. He has been under a lot of stress. He does not enjoy what he has been doing. And, even though it was after he decided to leave, he has found a wonderful opportunity working with Apache (Alan Peterson's company). This is the first serious personnel casualty of Continuum's short existence to date. Wonder what is next?
I ended up spending most of my time working on a conference I am hosting the 31st of Janurary and the 1st of February. It is called RC-SIG (Reality Centre - Special Interest Group), and I'm sure there will be time to talk about it more over the coming weeks. For those who are interested in following along as it unfolds, you can go to a href="http://www.continuum-corp.com">http://www.continuum-corp.com and look at news and then rc-sig. I also started another paper, which I feel will be well received. It is titled: Tele-immersion, Tele-models, and Tele-collaboration. Again, I expect there will be more words about this as it matures and is presented someplace.
There were early morning, evening, and Saturday calls with C.E.S. about the new inituitive Vpatch.com (The Virtual Oil Patch), the principals in the Southern Utah Rural Technology Center, Ken Turner about Heritage Galleries, Rick Zimmerman (who broke his leg in two places on a skiing trip), and my Venturing Scout Crew about building a house as a major project for this year (look on the web for a description of the project at http://www.walden3d.com/nvc/house). I expect there will be more details about each of these projects as they mature and go on-line or as they die. There are important meetings the next two weeks at Continuum concerning funding the next stage of our development. If the funding does not happen, the company will go under. Sometimes being entrepreneural is a little bit scary. I have learned that there is always sunlight sometime following the rain storms.
In terms of the impact of you kids on my life, there were several things which happened this week. On the negative feeling side, it hurts to send Thoughtlets when one of you has asked to be taken off of the list, and for the last few months this has been Roice. Oh well! Also, I have been sufficiently busy I have let my e-mail get behind, and I havn't updated Nate's pages (http://www.walden3d.com/nate).
Nate, I'm sorry! Hopefully there will be some time this next week. Heather, I havn't heard anything from you in forever. I really enjoy your notes, and would love to have a more regular correspondence, since for now we are so far away. Audrey, it hurts as I hear about how hard you are working, how hard the tests and classes are, and how lonely you sometimes feel. Write me, or call me and ask me to call you back collect. If you need a break, go up and visit Paul or do something with Heather.
Paul, thanks for calling and asking me to get the chess games going again. I'm afraid I won't get to it for a few days, and I'll e-mail you as soon as I get around to setting it up. It was nice to have you call and ask advice about the warranty information. I felt useful, then I realized I didn't have anything worthwhile to say, and felt like I will never be called again. Sad, isn't it.
Ben and Sarah, thanks again for your wonderful hospitality last weekend. Lots of times I don't find the words to say at the moment. It was really fun to share my friends Tracy and Laura Stark with the two of you, to visit, to buy our first little grandbaby gifts, and to be with Sarah's Mom, sister, and three nieces. Watching Ben with the little girls was particularly fulfilling. Ben, you are good with kids, and I'm certain you are going to be a better Dad than I have been, which is key in an eternal family which is in a mode of continuous improvement. Sarah I'm sorry you have been feeling queasy. Having been close to six pregnancies, all I can say is it happens sometimes. This too shall pass.
Sara, your party was wonderful. I am really impressed with Jeff and Mary Yarus. For those that weren't here, Sara's High School friend's Mom suggested we should get together because her husband is a geophysicist, they are good friends of the Kesslers, who is a Ph.D. geophysicist, and I am a geophysicist. It is always fun to get together with David and Karen Kessler and their kids. I kind of feel like David's Step Dad, and that his kids are like Grandkids. We used the bar-b-que grill Mom gave us as a wedding present to grill hamburgers outside on the 13th of January. It was a beautiful evening. During our conversations Jeff suggested I call his friend and my acquaintance in Denver, Jay Leonard. I did, and we ended up spending a couple of hours on the phone. There could be some nice business come out of that connection. I'm sorry I have come across as if I am pushing you to look at geophysics as a career. The questions about your interests absolutely did line up with the career I know and love, and so that is why I keep feeding you materials. If you have made up your mind in some other direction, or want me to stop pointing out the money, travel, and exciting opportunities tied to geophysics, just say no (or no more).
Melanie, it has been forever since we have been on a Daddy-daughter date. Even though I had already seen Fantasia-2000 with Ben and Sarah, it was a real joy to go with you. There truly is worthwhile entertainment in these troubled times, and this movie is a beautiful example. It was nice to talk about Jared, your vacation over there, plans, thoughts, concerns, hopes, dreams, fears, and friends comments. I was the bad guy, the disciplinarian, for so many years, as you were growing up, I have been afraid we would never develop a close and loving relationship. Based on spending Friday evening together, I feel there is good reason to hope for a closer relationship. I am here. I do my best to share what is going on in my life. We tend to do what we hope others will do for us. I would love to have more insight (and influence) into helping you sort through friends comments, your fears, dreams, hopes, concerns, thoughts, and plans. Yes, as Jared told you, you do have a little bit of the good parts of me in you. I am very proud of the choices you are making and the probability we truly are part of the same eternal family.
Rob, what happened Saturday night? Stood up on my 3rd attempt to go see Bicentennial Man with you! Oh well! You must have just forgot the birthday party. It gave me a chance to come back to the house and to wrassle with and tickle Matt.
Matt, thanks for keeping me young. It was a pleasure to beat you at basketball. I expect I only have a couple of years that I will be able to beat you at basketball, and so I will do my best to take advantage of the time available. Thanks for working with me to do an `A' job on getting acorns and leaves off of the lawn and out of the street. I think Saturday was the first time we have ever filled up all 3 garbage cans, and 4 big garbage sacks with leaves and acorns. Maybe it is because of the drought in Texas.
Rachel, I think you look really nice in your new skirt, even if it is plenty short. Thanks for the hugs and for telling me you love me. Expressions of love did not happen in my family of origin. It has always been hard for me to find words to express emotions. Until PAIRS, they stayed inside until they exploded. I appreciate your example and your attitude. I don't know how it will all end up in the eternities with your biological Dad. And I trust that the Lord will allow us all to be together in a way that is comfortable as eternal friends, and at the least as part of His eternal family."