Anger

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Dear Paul, Melanie, Rob, Roice, and Ben,

cc: file, Diane Cluff, Darrell and Nancy Krueger, Sara and Des Penny, Grandma Hafen via Tony Hafen, Claude and Katherine Warner, and Lloyd and Luana Warner.

Welcome to "Thoughtlets." This is a weekly review of an idea, belief, thought, or words that will hopefully be of some benefit to you, my children, with an electronic copy to on-line extended family members. Any of you can ask me not to clutter your mail box at any time.

"I learned an important lesson this week. It was regarding anger. It seems appropriate to write about my lesson and about anger because I am not at all angry. Thanks largely to PAIRS I think I have been able to work through issues I did not understand and find some deep and lasting peace. This does not mean I don't get angry at Einstein when he does his thing on the newly cleaned carpets. It does mean I am getting pretty good at making the punishment fit the crime and not overreacting out of an unrealistic fear my entire world is collapsing.

The circumstance for my lesson was I called Rob to see if he still wanted to go to a movie he had mentioned he wanted to see. He said yes and asked if anyone had come to see me. I quizzed him and discovered Ben and Sarah had been in town for Spring Break and Melanie had been in town since Wednesday. I made some sarcastic comment about how I must be a really bad guy for my kids to not want to come and see me. Rob, you said you would call me back, and yet I had the distinct impression you would not. As I often do these days, I played and replayed the conversation back in my mind, and tried to listen for anything that would discourage you from calling back.

In the book `Emotional Intelligence' (Daniel Goleman: Bantam Books, 1995, page 50) I learned about `emotional flatness.' This is:

`what psychiatrists call alexithymia, from the Greek a- for "lack," lexis for "word," and thymos for "emotion." Such people lack words for their feelings. Indeed, they seem to lack feelings altogether, although this may actually be because of their inability to express emotion rather than from an absence of emotion altogether.'

Your Mom has told me several times it is not what I say, as much as the tone of voice I say it in. I do not hear this tone, and I have consistently found, particularly in PAIRS, it is extremely hard for me to put words around my emotions. I feel them very, very strongly. I struggle to put words around my feelings (as I struggle to write these Thoughtlets). As I went back over my reaction to not being visited by you kids over your Spring Break I was hurt, I was disappointed, and I was angry. I was able to figure out I didn't expect Rob to call me back because I had an angry tone to my voice.

As I went to bed Friday night, I was reading from a book I had set aside about a year ago. It is called `Eternal Companions - Advice from LDS Counselors and Educators on Building a Forever Marriage' (edited by Douglas E. Brinley and Daniel K. Judd). I quote from page 58 and 59:

`While there is much controversy in the world (and sometimes among Church members) regarding the control or expression of anger, I have found the scriptures enlightening on the subject. With respect to anger, note the following comparison between the Bible and the Book of Mormon. From the King James Version (KJV) of the New Testament we read these words from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount: Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. (Matthew 5:21-22) The passage from a similar sermon give by Jesus in the Book of Mormon reads this way: Ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, and it is also written before you, that thou shalt not kill, and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment of God; But I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger of his judgment. And whosoever shall say to his brother, Racca, shall be in danger of the council; and whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. (3 Nephi 12:21-22) Likewise, Joseph Smith's translation (JST) of the passage in Matthew does not contain the phrase "without cause" (see JST, Matthew 5:23-24). Note the following comparison between the KJV and the JST with respect to Paul's teachings on anger: Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath (KJV, Ephesians 4:26). Can ye be angry, and not sin? let not the sun go down upon your wrath (JST, Ephesians 4:26). Lastly, note the selflessness of the Savior's anger: And he entered again into the synagogue; and there was a man there which had a withered hand. And they watched him, whether he would heal him on the sabbath day; that they might accuse him. And he saith unto the man which had the withered hand, Stand forth. And he said unto them, Is it lawful to do good on the sabbath days, or to do evil? to save life, or to kill? But they held their peace. And when he had looked round about on them with anger, being grieved for the hardness of their hearts, he saith unto the man, Stretch forth thine hand. And he stretched it out: and his hand was restored whole as the other. (Mark 3:1-5) The Savior's anger is an expression of selfless justice, as His every act centers on "doing all things for the welfare and happiness of his people" (Helaman 12:2). The natural man's anger (including my own) is an expression of his natural, normal, but ungodlike selfishness.'

I have read these verses many, many times. I have contemplated them with serious intent and thought. And yet, as I read them Friday night, it really hit me: `I have sinned.' My getting angry has been more than a mistake, it has been a sin. As I considered the steps of repentance (recognize a sin, feel remorse, confess your sin, make restitution where possible, and recommit yourself), I felt terrible. It seemed like every angry word I have ever said flooded my mind. I learned something. Thanks Rob, even though you didn't know you were being my teacher.

I remember a stake farm assignment to cut trees for firewood when we lived in Dallas. I have always worked hard, and was not at all aware of how intent I was in swinging the ax as I cut a tree into small logs. There was a wise old priesthood leader who watched me for quite some time, and then he said `You must be really angry about something. It is not natural for someone to swing an ax with so much force and for so long.' I do not remember what I was angry about. I do remember feeling like I had been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I remember learning something which I didn't really know how to put into words.

Roice, I am sorry I got angry the night you and Joy were in Melanie's room watching a movie late and I asked you to come downstairs. Ben, I'm sorry I was angry when you didn't want to go to Simonton for the scout campout and forced you to go. Paul, I'm sorry I was angry when I found the burned papers next to the garage and tried to force you and all of your siblings to tell me who had been playing with matches and almost burned down our house. Melanie, I'm sorry I was angry when your friends brought beer into the house. Sara, I'm sorry I got angry when you and your friends watched an R-rated video into the house. Rob, I'm sorry I tore up and threw away your magic cards the night you ran away and didn't come in time to go to Ken Turner's open house with us. I realize these are not the only times I have got angry. I now realize anger is an uncontrolled outward expression of fear. However, I hope that by recognizing in a deep internal way anger is a sin, feeling remorse, and confessing my sin to those of you I have offended, it is a positive step towards making restitution and recommitting myself to better serve my Savior and those I love.

There is one example in my life where my anger resulted in something I can not fix. I was about 16 years old. I had caught a wild cat and was trying to tame it so it would stay around the house and catch mice. I had it in one of Dad's old mink cages out in the garage. I was very careful to always pick it up with a pair of thick leather gloves on. One day when I was holding it and it seemed to calm down some, I took off one of the gloves and was petting it. It's head got loose enough it turned and bit me. My instanteous angry reaction was to throw the cat down on the ground. As I licked my wound and looked down on the ground I realized I had killed the cat in anger. That experience has haunted me since then, for even though the church didn't mean much to me in those days, I knew in my heart I had sinned.

In the book Eternal Companions I also read on page 52 and 53:

`It is also true that it is our own sins and not Adam's transgression that bring about many of the problems we experience in life. ... Just as most of Christianity places the blame for our fallen condition on our first parents (Adam and Eve), many people see their problems as being caused by someone or something else. Also, many social scientists and practitioners place the blame for a person's existing problems on his "dysfunctional family" - namely his mother and father. Freud taught that our personalities are formed at an early age in direct response to "early childhood experiences," particularly the influence of our parents. Freud and his follwers maintain that later in life, our tendencies to think, feel, and behave as we do are determined by these early factors. From this principle follows the notion that we are not responsible for being the way that we are; our personalities are the psychic product of the way in which our parents raised us. The best that we can expect is insight into this cause-and-effect process and how we can learn to cope with it.'

After we are about eight years old we are each responsible for our own choices. We might carry a lot of baggage around with us, and it might be we are 48 years old before we learn something about the baggage (and some never learn). However, we are each responsible for our own choices. Repeating an e-mail sent to Roice this week: `I will strive to listen and not preach, to take it with a grain of salt and not too seriously, try to understand and not make you think like me, and hope you can someday accept you never need to apologize for saying what you feel to me. If I expected an apology, it would be for untruths, not for truths. I have found my peace and joy in my Savior, who I do not know as well as I would like to, and sometimes doubt I ever will. Yet I know he loves me, even when it seems no one else does. I know he loves those I love, especially when they feel alone. I feel close to him and I feel hope when I sing a hymn or read the scriptures.' And quoting from one of the new songs I have recently written, which I sang for Melanie when she had lunch with me on Sunday:

`1. Alone I sit with my memories And think of all that you mean to me Alone I wonder how life could be So cruel and harsh yet so lovely C: And yet I know in my heart of hearts I will never truly be alone My prayer calls out to the unknown part And the answer's like a branch that's blown 9. Alone I stand and look forward And see a time of true harmony Alone I know beyond times hard Are times easy and times sunny' (Alone, 21 March 1998)

One of the hopes I found in the book Emotional Intelligence is the fact we can improve our emotionally intelligence at any stage of our life. Unlike I.Q., spatial intelligence, or physical prowess, we are not born with an innate upper limit. If we work on it we can learn to recognize, put words around, control, and actually enjoy emotions like anger.

Rob, thanks for teaching me this important lesson. When you came over Saturday to borrow a video tape, and I asked why you didn't call me back about the movie the night before, it was funny to me to hear you say `Oh I forgot. Sara's friends were at the house and I was talking to them and just forgot to call you back.' Isn't that the way it is with most of the important lessons of life? You just forgot to call me back, it was not because I had an angry tone to my voice. We really can learn from the normal events passing by us every day.

I'm interested in sharing weekly a "thoughtlet" (little statements of big thoughts which mean a lot to me) with you because I know how important the written word can be. I am concerned about how easy it is to drift and forget our roots and our potential among all of distractions of daily life. If you ever want to download any of these thoughtlets, they are posted at http://www.walden3d.com/hrnmen or you can e-mail me at rnelson@walden3d.com.

With all my love,
Dad
(H. Roice Nelson, Jr.)

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Copyright © 1998 H. Roice Nelson, Jr.