cc: file, Mom, Sara and Des, Lloyd and Luana Warner, Darrell and Nancy Krueger, Diane Cluff, Tony Hafen, Claude and Katherine Warner, Forest and Amy Warner, Ivan and Chell Warner, and Eric and Renee Miner
"It is interesting being back in a church leadership calling. Today was my first week to function as an assistant to the High Priest Group Leader, Corey Grua. Corey is at Philmont with the scouts and so I attended Stake Missionary Correlation Meeting, Ward Correlation Meeting, as well as the regular meetings. Having served in Elders Quorum Presidencies and Bishoprics the meetings reminded me of something written by Brigham Young to one of his sons. He had a son that was very interested in business, the stock market, and the excitement of New York City. He wrote his son that if he wanted to see the harder side of life all he had to do was be faithful in fulfilling his church callings and he would learn more than he ever wanted to know. It is amazing to me how universal one persons recent words to me seem to be: `I can't believe how much time I waste resenting my parents.'
My Mom and I had a conversation along this line about a month ago when I visited her on the way to the River Trip. The conversation was something like her saying: `I'm not responsible for your divorce!' and me responding something like `I didn't say you are, but since we are on the topic of resentment, I'm not responsible for your weight!' My birth was very hard and lasted several days and tore up Mom's insides. The implication in past conversations has been I am responsible for her weight, along with lifting baled hay shortly after I was born, Dr. Farnsworth's medical abilities, etc.
Once your Mom got off to New Hampshire for the final six weeks of work on her Master's Degree on Thursday, I thougth things would settle down. It took until Friday to get the storage shed emptied and the U-Haul Truck returned. I had meetings on one of my big deals most of Saturday. I made it to one of the two dances in Sara's final Dance Recital. When I asked if she wanted to go to Hercules with Melanie and Rob and I she said `Not Really.' I backed off and just said `OK.' Then about 11:30 she called and asked if she could spend the night at Keri's. I said `No.' My thoughts were that we have always had a rule that kids don't spend Saturday night at friends houses so they could get ready for the Sabbath. The reaction was immediate and strong. Before I knew it she said `Well I'm going to spend the next six weeks with my friends until Mom gets back.' The conversation rapidly degraded. I told her the consequence would be I would not give her any money and that I have a responsibility to know where she is and what she is doing. I tried to find the words to say how scared I am of some of the choices I see my kids making, and specified how I am not scared for me, but I am scared because of the consequences they will have to face. There was a logical response from Sara and I proceeded to put my foot in my mouth. My words were something like `I am still not over my Father's Day present.' Sara was the only one of you kids who made a real effort to give me a present. Ben and Sarah sent a card. Roice called from L.A. Melanie called from Phoenix. Rob wished me a happy Father's Day. And Sara sent a card with the following written on it:
Then she went to the store and bought hamburger, root beer, chips, and came home and made me a second dinner. It was really nice and was very much appreciated. However, this wasn't the part I remembered in the heat of the moment on the telephone last night. I remembered my emotions of going to church alone and not having anyone show up. Sara was up and said she would ride with Mom. Rob was staying with Mom. He had stayed up all night, eaten junk food, threw up, and didn't go to church because `he was sick.' Sara just didn't go to church because she doesn't believe in it anymore. Then she went to the store on the Sabbath. Then she insisted two friends spend the night and come over to watch a movie with her Sunday night after cooking the nice meal. I compromised and agreed. About 10:20 I called the house number from line 2 and asked what movie they were watching. It turned out to be the same `R-Rated Movie' your Mom selected to go through immediately after she made her firm decision to divorce me. I tried to be calm and told her I didn't want any `R-Rated Movies' in my house. I was finishing up Thoughtlet #97.24, Memorial Service, and had just called my Grandma Hafen for our weekly conversation. I went upstairs to find Rob watching TV, an activity I have always discouraged on Sunday. I asked him to turn off the TV. He said he would. I went in Sara's room and asked her two friends to leave. They did. I went downstairs and finished the Thoughtlet. I went upstairs and found the TV still on. Rob told me he would turn it off and go to bed. I went downstairs, took care of some stuff, turned out the lights and saw the lights and TV upstairs was still on.
Years before I was running seismic crews in West Texas. I spent a lot of time in Pecos, Texas, had gone to church there several times, had befriended a family, and had been invited to their home several times for dinner, Family Home Evening, and gospel discussions. Once the kids told me about how mad their Mom had got about something they were watching on TV and how she had put her shoe through the TV when they wouldn't turn it off.
I don't remember consciously remembering this when I saw the TV light still on. I do remember being totally frustrated about not being listened to, refusing to yell or scream or otherwise escalate the conversation with Robert, and simply going in the garage, getting a crow bar, walking up the stairs, and permanently turning the TV off. I went downstairs and went to sleep. Rob and Sara went to where Mom was babysitting at Brad Shaws. I cleaned up the mess early Monday morning and realized the shattered glass went farther than I thought it would. Rob was not hurt, but as your Mom said to me, `You have no excuse.' I agree. I am striving to understand and control my emotional overreactions. As we talked about curfew what I remembered about `my Father's Day present' was kids not going to church, shopping on the Sabbath, and then an `R-Rated Movie' in my house. Sara said I never listened to her or gave her a chance to say the movie was edited. I remember distinctly the conversation about the rating and feel she had plenty of opportunity. If it was edited I don't think she knew it. I imagine as I write this, when the conversation degraded last night, Sara remembered being scared and running to where her Mom was staying. As I look back the curfew discussion and my comment about not being over `My Father's Day present' was not about whether Sara could spend the night with a friend, but all of this other stuff. Sara came by to pick up her swimming suit to work as a lifeguard today during church, but she has not come home and Melanie says she is not going to come home until your Mom returns. I hope this is not true, but I am not going to push anything with her. The exception is I do insist on church standards for kids staying in the house.
I think I understand resentment. I hope by publically admitting my indescretions, you kids will not let resentment for my failings fester and that you will take the steps to get over it. The counselors I have been to, and specifically the PAIRS class I have been going to for several weeks, have really helped me put my own resentments behind me. You have a real advantage, in that there is just about nothing I won't do to help your sincere efforts to put your resentments of me behind you, to help you work with my human failings, and to help each of you know how much I love each of you. I hope you will take advantage of this desire.
My Mom called me tonight for the first time since she has been in St. George. She has lost 9 pounds. As she said, `It is hard!' As I responded, `I know, I need to loose 25 pounds!' It is hard to take responsiblity for our own issues, i.e. the things we control which no one else can or wants to. But if we live in a world of resentment we will never be able to work on the real issues, which always boil down to ourselves. I sure hope words like this Thoughtlet are of some benefit to you kids at some point in your life to help you get past your resentment of my mistakes and to take on those things in your personal life needed in order to be happy and enjoy your life."