cc: file, Mom, Sara and Des, Lloyd and Luana Warner, Darrell and Nancy Krueger, Charles and Diane Cluff, and Claude and Katherine Warner, Forest and Amy Warner, Ivan and Chell Warner, and Eric and Renee Miner
"Well if last week was quiet in family cyberspace, this week was busy. Melanie sent me my first e-mail from her (posted as responselet 9643a). Paul wrote `Prepare to be destroyed at the game of kings!!!' and now has his own chess dialogue page (http://www.walden3d.com/dialog/paul). Ben wrote that his and Sarah Johnson's engagement is now official. Sarah sent me three e-mails (two of them joke pages), and agreed to call me Roice rather than Mr. Nelson. Roice pointed out inconsistencies in how I moved in our chess game and actually came to Houston and spent the weekend with us. It was nice to see him. Chuck Cluff sent me another nice responselet (9643b), and Aunt Luana sent a note saying, among other things, `Thanks for the regular thoughtlets.' But the messages that touched me the most were copies of correspondence between Roice and a friend of mine, David Devor, in Israel.
Roice wrote: `So I decided to live my life based on two of my own personal principles, my own personal religion, if you will: 1. I am going to live my life in a manner that, to the best of my abilities, will make me happy.'
David responded: `To make happiness the purpose of your life is probably the most common and worse decision people make, if that is really what you mean. Happiness is truly legitimate and not self-defeating only as a by-product of successfully pursuing a life purpose. The challenge of life is to find our purpose or mission - that which we, in our soul, wish to do more than anything else. To decide that one has no such purpose is to demonstrate alienation from essence, from feeling. Order you values and discover your highest ideal and the fountain from which truly powerful feeling flows. I guarantee you that being happy isn't it. As a youth, you may be concerned as to whether your life will be happy. Seek and then follow your ideals and regardless how tough (or easy) life turns out to be, you will be happy. But you can't be really true to yourself until you discover who you are.'
Roice countered: `I have known that I need to be more specific in my statement of my life's principles than simply "being happy", and have intended for a while to write down what is important to me. I often wonder about purpose, why we feel the need for it, and why it makes us happy. "True Happiness" has also been an ongoing topic of discussion between me and my father. I do think happiness can be used as a benchmark for evaluating the progress of our personal values and goals. Prolonged unhappiness might be a reason to reevaluate our beliefs and the mission we have set for ourselves. Do you agree? I mean, do you think our life's pupose is constantly being changed or refined? I tend to think so. I definately think discovering who I am is a lifelong process.'
When Roice and I were alone on Saturday he turned and said, `Dad, what are you going to write for your thoughtlet this week?' I responded I was going to write about being sorrowful. Then the conversation went in other directions. Earlier in the week when I read Roice and David's correspondence, Matthew 26:38 came to mind, where the Savior said to some of his trusted apostles `I am exceeding sorrowful.' My thought was, `Why is Roice so concerned about being happy?' `Why does he think we need to happiness is a benchmark for our personal values and goals?' Then I thought about two books I have recently read: `Lonely, sad, and angry; a parent's guide to depression in children and adolescents' and `When you worry about the child you love.'
Specifically my mind ran to a word `dysthymia,' which is a long-term low-order depression with symptoms like low self-esteem, feelings of hopelessness, poor concentration, overeating, and difficulty making decisions. I thought of my childhood. I thought about my parents and our family's dysfunctions. I wondered about my spirit in the pre-existence and wondered what sadness I brought to this life with me. I let my mind run across tramatic moments in the meat packing plant, like the day I shot the calf I had raised on a milk bottle after it's Mother died (the last one run up the shute that day) and going in on the killing floor to hear Bob Goodwin say `I thought I was going to have to go out and shoot that one.' I remembered my calculas teacher at the University of Utah pulling me aside and saying `I am very worried about you, you can be the best student in the class, and then you become so melancholy you don't even function.' I recalled my mission, and periods in Harlow New Town when I felt so alone, when I was the only missionary to stand up to `The Prez' saying I didn't think a specific statement he made was true, and how he was later disfellowshipped from the Church for pretty serious mistakes. I thought about Ronnie Krinsky, one of my fellow trainees at Mobil Oil, saying how he had never met anyone like me, someone that always had a frown on his face. I thought of the excitement of starting Landmark, of wanting to share ownership equally, and of finding out a few weeks later that it was now 3:1. I thought of the first President's screaming fits. I thought of the second President's screwing the secretary and others. I thought of the pain associated with seeing my business baby, my dream, go ways that deeply hurt. I thought about almost going bankrupt with HyperMedia Corporation, and just after the financial success of Landmark Graphics. I thought of the trials tied to pulling out of HyperMedia's $1.4 million dollars in debt. I thought about things I have learned in therapy, and wondered how bad I have misdirected Roice's life goals because I am mentally sick, lonely, sad, and angry. I thought about my Mother, how unhappy she is, and wondered if she has been depressed since childhood. I thought about how content I am with my professional and religious decisions. I thought of the joy and happiness and fullfillment I have felt as I have actively pursued dreams that those around me don't seem to see. I realized I have a sad countenance. I decided it is not for me to judge others.
I guess, after reading the correspondence between Roice and David, I wanted to write you kids a thoughtlet that says, `Count Your Many Blessings.' Do not focus on my mistakes. Remember you really do not know what has gone on in any other person's life. Realize your Mom and I have done, up to this point, better than our parents did. You each can, and hopefully will, do better than we have done. Learn from our mistakes. Learn from our physical and mental limitations. Leapfrog these as you find your own mission in life. Don't worry, be happy. Learn that we have a Redeemer, a Savior who loves us and was sorrowful for us, and we do not need to be sorrowful as we come to truely know him. And even if we are sorrowful, sorrow, as this life, is but for a minute in the space-time continium of eternity. Choose to the best of your ability, live life to the fullest and you will be content, will even find times of pure joy and happiness in this life, and are guaranteed to be full of joy and happiness on the other side of the vail."