I don't know where to begin. I finally got to sleep at 2:45 AM. I was then woken up by a phone call at 3:30. It was my brother Jeff. My mother is in very critical condition. The doctors do not think she will make it through this afternoon. Ready to drive right up there I was asked to stay and be with my Grandmother. As much as I love her I want to be by my mothers side. Instantly I became sick to my stomach and weak. It is now 4:45. For a little over an hour I have cried like never before. I cannot find the words to describe the feeling. So much sorrow and grief yet peaceful and calm at the same time. It is all together a new and different emotional feeling. I feel better by writing my words down. It brings an even more peaceful feeling into my heart and mind. There is a song that I have listened to over and over since I have been up.
It helps me to realize that the Lord really is there. And that he know more than I do and I don't understand the full plan because I am not meant to know. That's why we have faith. If we knew the Lord's plan to the full extent I don't think we would be here. However, I am having a difficult accepting the reality. No matter how one prepares themselves, there is no way to explain it. Other than, when am I going to awake from this dream.
I cannot give up hope, there is still a chance. Maybe it's not her time to go yet. I just feel more comfort accepting the fact that her work here on earth is done. As hard as it is to swallow, this is my feelings.
It seems weird to be up at this time. It's now a little after 5:00. This is usually when I am fighting the alarm clock and getting up. I cannot imagine my life without my mother in it. She was the one I went to if I had a problem. She is the one I went to when I made an accomplishment. I am so close to her. I love her.
There is a poem with a picture of a young man that my mother gave to me while I was going through some rough times. I would like to share that with you.
For the longest time I could not imagine myself going to someone other than my mother. The priceless advice and the endless answers to all my questions. But because of the way she lived her life. It was of the Lord. My only hope is that I can be an example as my mother was. To inspire those to do what is right and do what the lord asks.
I appreciate those who respond to these emails. It means a lot that you would take time out of your busy schedule to let me know how you feel as well.
Best Regards,
Nathan W. Pace
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