Welcome to "the engines of my love," a regular review
of why I love you, Martha Ellyn Sharp Nelson, and no
other woman.
I love you because you have been my only real and living source
for the usually unmet `biological deprivation.' Rob and I got back
to Houston about midnight, got the car and got back to the house
about 1:30 AM. It was nice to be able to breathe without any
strain. They fed us on the plane, and I was not hungry. I slept
until 7:30, and that was sufficient. I got up and urinated and
defficated. Probably suprisingly to you, I have been doing pretty
good relative to sex (it isn't on my mind much, and other than a
couple of dreams about you I havn't even been aware of missing it).
I worked at the house in the morning, catching up on stuff that had
happened while I was away. At 1:00 PM I went down to the PAIRS office
to meet with Dr. Nancy White and her third husband Leonard Richards.
We talked about ways of helping them get PAIRS and the relationship
concepts they have developed more widely distributed. As we finished
the 1 1/2 hour discussion they both met the major human need missing in
western culture. They both gave me a hug. I didn't think much about
it as I left and went off to meet with Bill Bavinger. Then I hurried
home, fixed myself dinner (no one else was here), and went back down
to the West Loop for PAIRS. The topic was physical bonding. The idea
being put forward is that everyone needs emotional openness and physical
closeness, i.e. bonding, at least every two to three days every week.
The lecture was absolutely fascinating.
It was stated that until we are having our bonding needs met with
other people, we can not truly be creative. We need to be touched.
We need to hug one another. Our ability to be creative is based on
pleasure and our ability as a person to feel entitled to enjoy life.
Since you and I are two of the most creative people I know, this gave
me great pleasure and hope. Dr. White pointed out how each of us needs
to be able to say:
- I exist!
- I need!
- I am entitled to be happy!
- I am entitled to be imperfect!
After all, nature evolved us to be happy more than to be unhappy. Always
what is missing in our lives is where there is a part of ourselves we
have disowned. Typically this missing part is gone because of childhood
survival issues. If in fear, get to the anger. If in anger, geet to the
pain. If in pain, express the feeling full measure. And find the joy
and peace on the other side. Remember emotions are the messages to
ourselves and particularly to our ancestors. We not only do our own
stuff, we also do our parents and ancestors emotions. Non-sexual touching
releases oxytoxins, which is the same chemical released between a mother
and new children. Calcium is released when we hug or hold someone. A
pillow is not the same, and as you know this has been my bonding mate
since my childhood. All relationships have both pain and pleasure.
True love is the willingness to experience both the pain and the pleasure
of a relationship. Most of us are children and when we get into pain
we leave physically or emotionally. When we attack (me), or run away (you),
we will not grow and will not enhance the relationship. We really are not
giving up anything to stay present and to stay loving. What we tend to do
is to project on those we care about our shadow, to judge them based on the
part we do not want to look at. The judgements are about us and not about
the other person. We literally teach others how to treat us. A lot of
things we hide from others they can see directly. We need to learn that
when we are vulnerable is the only time we are invulnerable. Dr. White
went on to again stress how 90% of our strong reactions are from times
we felt unsafe and have very little to do with the present day. She pointed
out when we are 20 years old, what others think about us is very important.
When we are 40 years old we don't care what others think. And when we are
60 years old we realize no one thinks about us. Everytime we get close
to a paradox we get close to truth. Nothing is about me and yet everything
is about me.
Thanks for letting me cuddle for most of the years of our marriage.
Thanks for the physical bonding. Thanks for meeting my `biological
deprivation.' Thanks for caring about how I am doing. Thanks for
knowing in your heart how much I love you.
I'm interested in sharing why I love you. I know how important
the written word is to you, and if you ever feel neglected,
ignored, or unloved, and would like an up-to-date bound copy of
these lovelets or any subset of these lovelets for any purpose
you might have come to mind, please tell me or e-mail your request
to rnelson@walden3d.com with the request 'lovelet update.'
With all my love,
Roice