Welcome to "the engines of my love," a regular review
of why I love you, Martha Ellyn Sharp Nelson, and no
other woman.
I love you because you so strongly corrected me when I made my
comment about how you feel about the temple in one of our recent
`conversations.' I look forward to the time when you are willing to
help me understand how you feel about this most important part of
my life. In my ongoing effort to tell you I love you, to tell our
children I love their mother, and to reconcile what has happened in
our life by making a daily `journal entry' via these Lovelet's, I
will describe Saturday in some detail.
I got up at 5:30 AM Utah time. Cameron and Leslie were asleep
in Sara's old room, and hopefully I did not wake them as I shaved
and had a shower. I could not believe the water pressure and that
the tub drained. Sara has been busy. I got to the St. George
Temple at 7:00, where Uncle Dick was waiting for me at the recommend
desk. He and Aunt Elaine work at the Temple every Friday from
midnight until 7:00 AM. I had forgot about the Washings and Anointings,
and he was concerned as to whether we would make the 7:30 session. I
had the family group sheet filled out for Dad, and it only took a few
minutes for the lady at the Family File Desk to fill out a card for me.
I got the wrong size pants at the Clothing Desk (34" waist instead of
44"), and am not sure if it was my words or the helper's hearing. They
were not quite ready for the Washing and Anointings when I got there.
Uncle Dick shepherded things along. I made the session just as they were
leaving. Aunt Luana and Aunt Elaine were there. I was tired from the
last few days, but I stayed awake and tried to imagine Dad being there.
As you know, I thoroughly enjoy the Endowment and am continually finding
new insights relative to the creation and mankind's role on earth. It
was pretty much like any other session. When it came time for the prayer
circle I thought of you. Uncle Dick invited me to participate and Aunt
Luana joined me. The prayer was exceptionally special. There was a
sentance asking `the Lord's comfort and support for any in the company
who are suffering from physical, spiritual, emotional, or mental pain.'
As I stood there I was overcome to the point of tears, with a feeling of
being loved. I wiped the tears from my eyes, took my seat, and looked
at where Aunt Luana and Aunt Elaine had sat down. On the end of the
isle was Leona, the lady who had taken care of Dad after the cancer was
diagnosed. I don't think she ever saw me and there is absolutely no way
she would have known I would be in that session to do Dad's Temple Work.
She had a hand kerchief at her eye. I was overwhelmed with the deep
insightful recognition the Lord does love each one of us, and he will
take care of each of us in a way that maximizes our joy and happiness.
Aunt Luana and I were too excited and talked too loud in the Celestial
Room. She was talking about Pakistan, Uncle Dick was taking about The
Philippines, and I was thinking about Dad.
After changing back into my new gray suit, I went out to the Lobby.
As I was sitting there looking at the painting of all of the U.S.
President's coming to visit Wilford Woodruff, and thinking how much
better of a job Ken Turner could have done at representing that event,
Uncle Dick came out and sat down and said `Our prayers are with you.
I know it is hard, but you are a survivor.' I mostly listened. As
he talked, he recalled significant trials in his life, where he had to
call on others for help. He assured me, with tears in his eyes, I have
family that cares for me and will do anything they can to help me. As
he was saying this Aunt Luana and Aunt Elaine came out and we both stood
up. We were talking, they were asking questions, and after something
was said I responded: `Don't seek a sign.' Then I paused for a minute
and said: `The three of you might be interested to know that the lady
who took care of Dad after he was diagnosed with cancer was in our
session.' Aunt Elaine was visibly and forcibly moved by these words.
She saw I recognized her reaction and said, `There is no way she could
have known Howard's work was being done in that session.' I responded
affirmatively and excused myself. Uncle Dick told me Uncle Ted was sorry
he could not be there and hoped I would stop and see him. Rob and I
did not make it back through Cedar City this trip.
I drove over to Grandma Hafen's apartment and carried a change of
clothes from the red rental car. She had a visitor, and I excused
myself to go and change. I couldn't help but think about her `Funniest
Home Video' as I changed in the bathroom. I came out and was introduced
to one of her weaving students who comes to visit her every Saturday
morning. The lady used to visit during the week, but there were too
many other visitors and they `didn't have time to talk.' I don't
remember what was talked about. I do remember just before the lady
left Grandma pulled out a cartoon and handed it to me with a chuckle.
It was a little girl and a little boy standing naked and facing the
other direction. He says to her: `No, you can't touch it, you already
broke yours off.' I wish I understood this fixation of Grandma and Mom.
She did not want to join Rob, Sara, Brian, and I when we took Mom out to
lunch. Aunt Luana came by and we visited a little. She followed me over
to Porter's Nursing Home.
Mom was laying in bed reading. She was glad to see me. She was cordial
with Aunt Luana and said she was glad she was back safely from Pakistan.
Mom had forgot to tell the nurses she was going out to lunch, and the helper
said: `That's twice this week.' Sara got there just after Aunt Luana left
and was immediately in charge. I was reading Paul's letters to her. Rob
started to read them, and then it was time to get Mom ready so Rob, Brian,
and I were dismissed to the lawn, gazebo, trees, and shade out the back
door of Mom's room. I watched a woodpecker feed it's young. Rob and Brian
played with burning cigarettes in a big ash tray and then with a medical
hoist that was outside. We went to eat at The Hunan Restaurant down the
street. Seems to be the only place Mom wants to go to eat. She was very
quiet during lunch. I told her I was now divorced. She didn't respond.
She did have tears later during the meal, and didn't want to talk about
what was going on. After lunch we took the kids to ride go-carts, to get
wet playing on innertube bumper cars, and to play miniature golf. Mom
seemed to enjoy watching Rob and Bryan run around and act like only the
two of them can act. When they went back on the go-carts the second time
I excused myself to go say hi to Uncle Lloyd. He is having some stomach
health problems. He lost 20 pounds in Pakistan, and looks great, but
obviously doesn't feel well. We did not have much time to talk, but I
appreciate his advise. He cares about me. I also said hi to Katherine,
Claude's wife next door, who has had nice things to say about my efforts
at `Thoughtlet's.' I got back to Porter's just after Sara and crew got
there. We got Mom back in bed. It took both of us. We talked for a
while, then she wanted to go to sleep so Rob and I left for Moab.
Somehow Grandma thought I was going to leave Rob with her and go
to another session at the temple and she had made sure Sara told me
she was not up to it. I stopped back by to say goodbye to her, and Rob
refused to go in. Something happened when Sara stopped there in the
morning on the way to Porter's. Grandma stressed to me how much Rob
needs me to spend time with him. She also told me I was not taking
care of myself, specifically bringing up how I chose to handle the taxes.
She couched both pieces of advice as `the thoughts of a crazy old lady.'
It was good to see her. I felt sorry for her reactions. I wish there
were a way for me to heal the anger, pain, and perceptions of all of the
women I love. Oh well! After leaving her place I went to the bookstore
and bought a new cover for my standard works. Then Rob and I took our
list and visited Red Cliffs Mall. We spent $80.00 in an hour, and I
realized a pretty good rule of thumb for me: `Spend as much time
shopping as it takes you to make the money you spend.' We drove to
Richfield via dinner at Springdale, Zion Canyon, Orderville, and
Highway 89. Rob took a whole roll of film for me on this drive, only
to find out the next day it had not been connected right and none of
the pictures were actually taken. As we drove through the beautiful
geology and as I reflected on this momentous day, I thought of you.
I thought of you because I wished you were with us and because I love you.
I'm interested in sharing why I love you. I know how important
the written word is to you, and if you ever feel neglected,
ignored, or unloved, and would like an up-to-date bound copy of
these lovelets or any subset of these lovelets for any purpose
you might have come to mind, please tell me or e-mail your request
to rnelson@walden3d.com with the request 'lovelet update.'
With all my love,
Roice