Welcome to "the engines of my love," a regular review
of why I love you, Martha Ellyn Sharp Nelson, and no
other woman.
I love you because you handled the evening of Melanie's graduation
from Taylor High School with grace. It was hard to drive home from
Austin on Wednesday evening though a series of Texas thunderstorms and
not think about the afternoon the
Federal Inspectors shut down Nelson Meat Packing Plant. It was
hard when the thunderstorms continued on Thursday, starting just after
I went to the bank and attempted to close our joint account. It was
hard to have Roice ride his motorcycle in the rain, and be too late
and too wet to be able to go to the VETL in preparation for building
some bridges between my work and Advanced Structures Incorporated.
It was very hard when you came by the house and talked about how
important it was to you that the divorce decree be signed before I
left for Utah with Rob at 6:30 the next morning. It was nice to
hear your pragmatic statements about if the paper's are not signed
it just means you were not meant to be in that new house. However,
it was hard to feel attacked and to see you so upset because I was
not willing to sign the divorce decree without final approval from
Pattie Dunn. It was hard when Pattie called and said there was no
legal reason not to sign the divorce decree. It was hard to sign
that paper, with all that it means in regards to my perceptions of
being a failure. It was hard to tell you I signed the papers when
we met in the foyer of the Astro Hall. It was hard to watch how
happy you seemed as you wrote notes and riddles to Roice as you were
bored with the Taylor High School graduation ceremony. It was hard
to overcome all of these feelings and enjoy Melanie's graduation and
keep a smile on my face. I took pictures. I talked to Roice. I
tried to keep a stiff upper lip. I took a roll of photographs.
However, as you know, I broke when I say you talking and smiling
and listening to Gary Jones talk about his daughter's interest in the
harp. I am sorry for my sarcastic question to you: `Did you tell
Gary all of your reasons for celebration?' Then Melanie came up,
happy and excited, as she should be. She said `Aren't you going to
give me a hug?' I did, but I know she knew my mind was elsewhere.
Then you came up and hugged her. I handed my camera to Gary Jones
and asked him to take a picture of our family. You started to
cry and Melanie said something like `Dad, what did you say?' I
responded with something like `I just pointed out how after seven
years your Mom finally has my signature on a Divorce Decree and
she has more than one reason to celebrate this evening.' Melanie
responded with `YOU JERK!' as you ran off crying. Geoff Morris,
a long time friend from Landmark was trying to talk to me, and
I couldn't even respond. Why was I finding myself the victim again?
Why was I the bad guy again? Why didn't anyone recognize my efforts
of the last days, and weeks, and months, and years to make our family
work? Why, when you have been completely checked out of our
family for longer than I care to acknowledge, am I the bad guy? Why
was this happening to me, to you, to our children, to our family? It
was all I could do to get Rob, listen to Roice tell me he would ride
with Ben, and make it to the car. It was not a celebration for me.
As soon as Rob and I got to the car I lost it. I had one of my
emotional meltdowns. I could not stop crying. I beat the steering
wheel a couple of times. I sobbed all the way to Katy. I cried. Rob
did very well. When we got to the house, I asked him to go upstairs,
and told him I was going to go beat the mattress like I had been
taught in my class. I have no idea of how long I was there. I
anticipate it was a long time, like an hour, before Roice came to
the door and got me to stop. Melaine also came in and told me how
I was purposely ruining her graduation and how she would never talk
to me again. I knew nothing else to do with the emotions and loss.
As I look back on the evening, I am truly sorry. I am sorry I
gave such a negative spin to something which should have been so positive.
I recognize the little Prince in me that always wants what he wants and
throws a fit when he doesn't get it. I recognize the little Princess
in my Mom and also in my Grandma Hafen who do the same thing. I am
sorry I haven't got over the programming and pain of childhood. I so
want to be acceptable, and consciously try so hard to do the right
things. Yet it seems my subconscious repeatedly places me in
circumstances where I am the victim. I am truly striving to stop this
from happening, for I am sure you will never have a desire to come back
to me until this stops. I do not want to cause you pain, and I really
did not consciously set out to make Melanie's graduation anything other
than the celebration it should have been. Please forgive me. Please
recognize how much I love you.
I'm interested in sharing why I love you. I know how important
the written word is to you, and if you ever feel neglected,
ignored, or unloved, and would like an up-to-date bound copy of
these lovelets or any subset of these lovelets for any purpose
you might have come to mind, please tell me or e-mail your request
to rnelson@walden3d.com with the request 'lovelet update.'
With all my love,
Roice